


Hello from the other side

by FrenchMartiniPlease



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo has a Solo performance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Male Masturbation, Maz is a romantic, Oral Sex, Please be aware there's a sex scene between Poe and Rey as they are engaged, Prompt Fill, Slow Burn, Snoke is not nice but we knew that, Swimming, Vaginal Sex, Yoda is wise, all I know about swimming is from Michael Phelps Wikipedia page
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 58,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchMartiniPlease/pseuds/FrenchMartiniPlease
Summary: Rey and Ben dated during their teenage years but then he put sport first and left her behind.  At least all the gold medals he's won over the years should help keep him warm at night although Rey wouldn't know.  They never get past surface chat when they meet now.  Not that it matters, Rey's moved on.  She's slogging her guts out finishing her Doctorate and she's engaged to a wonderful man so discovering Ben has sent her countless heartfelt messages to their defunct joint Facebook account over the years really shouldn't mean anything to her, should it?
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 151
Kudos: 305
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. When will I see you again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a prompt fill from the twitter account @reylo_prompts. I'm sorry but I can't remember who posted the original prompt.  
> "Rey and Ben were a couple in college but Ben broke her heart and left town. He sent rey an apology to an old Facebook account (the only way he can think to contact her). She discovers it and other messages from him years later, before her up coming wedding."  
> I kinda changed a few details but the premise is the same. Sorry I don't have twitter account so can't link it back to @reylo_prompts.

> Feel it in the sunrise  
>  Even in the nighttime  
>  It's hard to adjust now  
>  'Cause you ain't around  
>  Do they treat you real nice?  
>  How'd you like the new town?  
>  Hard to adjust now  
>  'Cause you ain't around, yeah

When will I see you again by Shakka

“Rosie.”

  
“What?”

  
“I really, really don’t think this is necessary.” Rey pleads.

  
Rose harrumphs, a half-drunk beer in one hand and a battered shoebox tucked under her other arm as she strides towards her destination. The fire pit at the bottom of the Kanata’s garden. Rey trails behind carrying more beers. The late summer air warm and the light fading on the horizon just enough for the little solar lights to begin emitting a soft glow. Rose and Rey fresh from dinner and drinks, keen to continue their catch up had returned to Rey’s childhood home. Unfortunately Rey letting slip about keepsakes from boyfriends past had Rose digging through the bottom of Rey’s old wardrobe.

  
“You would say that. Rey, you have been hanging onto so much stuff.” A shake of the box. “and its energy is weighing you down.” Rose dumps the box on the stone wall and waits for Rey to put her four pack of beer beside it. “Don’t you feel it?” Rose grabs one of Rey’s hands and gives her a serious look. “You’re starting a new chapter in your life. A whole new beginning and this is just a way to let the past die. Symbolically speaking.”

  
“I suppose.” Rey shrugs and reaches for her own beer, watching as Rose grabs some logs from the metal firewood bucket and a handful of firelighters and places them at different angles in the fire pit before touching the firelighters with a match. A tiny flame curls round the end of the dried log and catches.

  
“You sound so enthusiastic. Honestly, we should have done this years ago during your angry phase. We could have played Alannis Morrissette and used lighter fluid to make everything burn ferociously.” Rose looks thoughtful for a moment. “We still could, I bet Chewie has some lighter fluid and I’ve got spotify on my phone. We could put ‘You oughtta know’ on repeat.” Rose looks far too excited by this idea but Rey indulges her with a smile.

  
“Not angry anymore. You’re about two years too late there Tico.”

  
“I know. Whenever you and Ben ‘bump’ into each other, you’re both so, so … polite. Me, no matter how many years had passed, I’d still want to shank the fucker.” Laughing, the girls clink their beers together. They settle into a couple of the sun loungers and Rey gazes at the flickering light of the fire.

  
“I wanted to at first.” She says quietly “But then, you know, things with Poe happened. Now I almost can’t tell if I loved Ben or if it was some kind of hero worship because he was there, and he actually did something. He noticed things were wrong, you know.” Rey glances over. Rose is looking at her with her head tilted and biting her lip as if struggling to stop herself from pointing out Rey’s lies.

  
“Rey, you got engaged a month ago and you still have trinkets from your ex. That’s not right. How would you feel if Poe was still hanging onto Jessika’s stuff?” Rose asks gently.

  
“How do you know he’s not?” Rey makes a show of shrugging.

  
“Rey” there’s a warning in Rose’s voice.

  
“Ok, so what do you want me to do? Just dump it all in and let it burn?”

  
“Uh, yes. No, wait, I think there needs to be a bit more ceremony to it than that.” Rose frowns. “Maybe you could say a few words over those cinema stubs I saw lurking in the box when you got it out.”

  
Rummaging until she finds the slips of paper Rose is talking about, she clears her throat. “Right, rest in peace Avengers Assemble tickets, you served me well.” and flings them in the fire. She expects to feel nothing. After all she’s moved on. She’s engaged to a wonderful man and what reason did she really have for holding on to her first ever date ticket stubs? Even if that first date had also been her first date with Ben. The tickets curled and blackened and the memory of her seventeen-year old self’s excitement and joy that she was finally going on a date with Ben, lances through her, so sharp and bright that she takes a swift mouthful of beer to cover her discomfort.

  
“Yay.” Rose claps her hands. “Don’t you feel better already?” Grinning Rose swoops back into the box for the next offering to the fire. No, Rey wants to say, no it doesn’t feel better. It feels wrong to go poking these memories with a stick. Like jeering at something weak and defenceless.

  
“Ta-da!” Rose holds aloft a newspaper cutting. “Would you look at the state of us? Whoever thought it was a good idea to photograph anyone coming straight out of a pool? We look ridiculous. Look at you, you look terrified” Rose snorts.

  
Rey takes the cutting, holding it carefully in her hand. There’s a pinched scared look to her as she tried to shrink back and hide. Rose, then as now, is grinning out of the black and white picture, her hair slicked back with Finn standing beside her. Ben’s there too.

  
“We need to burn that. I don’t want that photo of me to surface anywhere on-line in the future. _Ever_.” Rose cackles and reaches to pluck the cutting from her hand but Rey jerks it away.

  
“Rose, I don’t think I can do this tonight.” Rey leans heavily in the chair, still holding the cutting. “It’s not about him. Not really. It’s just so much of what happened then is all tied up with him, you know?” Rose looks crestfallen but nods her understanding. She puts her hand on Rey’s arm.

  
“Sorry, this was supposed to be a bit of fun. It clearly sucks ass. Bad friend.” Rose pouts before bursting into an evil grin “We can start organising your bachelorette party instead.” Rey groans and swats her friend away.

  
“We have a year, Tico, no rush.”

Rey kisses Rose good night and watches her dance into an uber before heading upstairs to her childhood bedroom. The one that her foster parents have never turned into a spare room. In truth she could have caught the Uber with Rose back to her and Poe’s apartment, but she wants to spend time with Maz and Chewie this weekend. Since the engagement was announced she’s seen her foster parents but not really spent any time with them. This weekend is going to rectify that.

  
Maybe she’s a bit drunk or a bit stupid but by the time she settles into bed, the box of mementos has shaken loose thoughts of old times with Ben. She knows she shouldn’t… but perhaps she wants to torture herself a little bit more tonight before forgetting all about him for good.

  
She scoots up the bed to sitting and grabs her phone from the bedside table. Hesitating only for a moment, she clicks on his Instagram account. She has to look it up each time she does this. Not that she does it often. Once. Maybe twice. Positively no more than that and this will definitely be the last time. She’s engaged now. Anyway, she has to search for it as it would have been too humiliating for the both of them if she followed him. _Look, it’s me, your stalker ex you have no desire to spend any time with anymore._ Instead she lurks when a bit drunk, careful not to accidentally heart anything and trying to convince herself that she isn’t being creepy.

  
There he is. The same bright excitement from earlier bubbles through her. With Ben she really hasn’t changed that much from her seventeen-year old self it seems. There are pictures of him training in the pool and in the gym. All broad shoulders and water rolling down defined muscles. She blushes. Ridiculous, she shakes her head as if that will lessen his effect on her. She scrolled by some shots of stupidly _healthy_ chicken salads and other foods that don’t look like much fun to Rey.

  
It’s clearly a professionally managed account and normally she’s ok with that. There’s lots of photos of him in sports gear for the company that he represents. He looks good but this Ben isn’t the Ben she knew.

  
This Ben is an image. Someone’s idea of an Olympian that others can try to aspire to be. With this paltry peek into his life she gets what everyone else gets, a champion but none of who he really is, none of his warmth. Mind you, she had seen him a little over two weeks ago at his parent anniversary party and there hadn’t been any warmth in person either.

  
As Rose said, it had been polite. Polite congratulations on her engagement. Polite enquiries into what she was doing now and polite apologies as he made his excuses and left to go speak to someone no doubt more important and interesting than Rey. Closing the app, she slings her phone onto the table and turns out the light.

  
In less than two minutes the light is on again and she’s sitting up tapping her phone against her knee.

  
She _should_ go to sleep. She bites her lip and glances down at the phone again. It’s silly but she wanted to see him. Her Ben, not the Olympian. Actually, after their exchange at the Solos’ party a couple of weeks ago a thought has been niggling at her. The idea that maybe they hadn’t been as important to each other as she’d thought. Ok, clearly, she wasn’t as important to him as he had been to her but she still wanted some sort of confirmation that they’d been real because anyone watching them at that party would have thought they couldn’t have been more than passing acquaintances at best.

  
Rey so far, has always talked herself out of what she is about to do. She has refused to let herself do this, now out of respect for Poe. But tonight, the beer and the memories have lowered her guard and she burns for some proof, that for one moment, Ben Solo had thought Rey Kanata was worth something.

  
She never looks at this account. Not once in the five years since their break-up. Mainly because the account was set up through Ben’s email, not hers, and she had always been frightened to try and log in and discover that he’d changed the password. God, they thought they had been so cute having a shared Facebook account. How smug and irritating they must have seemed to their friends.

  
Rey knows there are excellent reasons why she hasn’t looked at it in years but the beer’s helping her conveniently forget what they are. Her fingers are already flying over the screen, typing in the log in details that they had once shared.

  
Her smile is blinding in the profile photo. Ben has his arm wrapped around her with his chin resting on the top of her head.

The phone drops.

There’s a swooping, lurching feeling in her stomach and for a moment she has to stop to breathe. There’s a solid chance that all the beer and snacks she’s had with Rose tonight are about to make a reappearance. It takes more than a beat for the feeling to subside. If she was sensible, she would admit that this was more than enough heartache for one day and log out. But like a painful bruise she gets a sick pleasure pressing, she knows she’s going to pick the phone back up and scroll through some of the old random messages and photos from their time together.

  
Facebook has all the documented evidence of them from 2012 up until it all turned to shit in 2014. Because the account is technically Ben’s, she’s been spared over the years from the ‘memories’ photos that would probably have crushed her if they’d popped up on her main account. But here she is, all set to indulge in a painfest.

  
But like any good drunk, Rey manages to rationalise her actions to herself. Maybe Rose is right. This is her chance to purge. A way to get proper closure because it certainly isn’t fair to Poe that some tiny corner of her heart went with Ben when he put his sporting career first. Maybe this will let her claim that bit of her heart back. With a bit of hindsight and the knowledge of Poe’s love to bolster her, she’ll be able to see the signs that the end was coming through re-reading their final messages. The signs that she had been staggeringly blind to when the split had happened.

  
Resolved, she picks the phone up and unlocks her screen fully expecting the first messages she’ll see on her wall will be from late 2014. Ben had returned from the Pan Pacific Swimming Championship in the August and by the September he’d told her that she was nothing but a distraction. He elaborated by saying, for the sake of his career, all distraction had to go. Ergo, Rey had to go. Understandably they hadn’t been too chummy after that. Rey hadn’t even attempted the ‘let’s be friends’ route as only an idiot could have misinterpreted his meaning and only a masochist would wilfully ignore it. Rey was neither of those things. She had cut all contact immediately for the sake of her pride.

  
So, what she should be seeing is the trail of messages that had connected them when he was in the Gold Coast of Australia and she was here at home. Messages full of her screaming excitement and liberal use of emoji’s because he had won a gold at an international. Maybe a couple about how proud she was of him and then their sudden communication silence from September 2014 on.

  
So there **definitely** should not be a message dated from the eleventh of August 2019.

  
She physically jolts.

The fuzziness of the beer buzz evaporates. Her thumb scrolls and scrolls. There are hundreds of messages here. Messages with the privacy setting set to ‘me only’. The only person that could have possible sent these was Ben. She scrolls back up to the most recent.

  
Sunday 11th of August 2019 00:37: _No one knows what it’s like to carry regret like this. Tonight I watched you and Poe and I wish I didn’t, but I recognised the look on your face. It was the way you used to look at me. Selfishly, I wish that you would look at me like that again. I’m sorry if our conversation was crap and I didn’t tell you how beautiful you looked and a thousand other things that I want to talk to you about. If I had stayed any longer, I’m pretty sure I would have begged you to take me back. But even I can see that you and Poe work together. Good night sweetheart x_

  
Rey’s brain stutters.

  
She stares at the message.

  
The words don’t make sense. _How? When had Ben met Poe?_ It clicked that the tenth of August had been the night of the Solos’ anniversary party, but Ben never met Poe. He’d made his excuses and left her before her fiancé could return from the bar with her drink. At the time she’d thought it rude but didn’t dwell on it as she introduced Poe to some of her parents and the Solo’ mutual friends. Rey’s forehead crinkles in confusion. This can’t be. She must be more drunk than she thought. Squeezing her eyes shut, she gives herself a shake before peeking at the words on her phone screen.

  
The message is definitely from the weekend of the party. The sick lurching feeling rushes back. Rey’s insides turn cold and watery and she only just makes it into the en-suite to throw up.

  
Weakly she pulls herself up from the floor and as she leans under the faucet, grabbing her hair back with one hand and scoops cool water with her other hand into her mouth to rinse away the bitter taste.

  
The shock is fading but … her confusion is ratcheting up.

Ben Solo does not want her.

  
He _never_ looks at her, not properly, when they meet. It’s unavoidable that they see each other from time to time given that their parents are close friends. When he speaks to her now it was always with the air of ‘God, someone get me out of this conversation, please.’ He didn’t… He couldn’t…

  
Slamming the faucet off, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Snatching the phone up off the bed with shaking hands she scrolls back through trying to find the first message after their break-up.

  
She doesn’t understand what the hell is going on but at least if she can get back to the beginning she might. She refuses to focus on any of the messages, letting the words blur in front of her eyes but sometimes a photo jumps out. Pictures she thinks look like her but she’s scrolling faster and faster not stopping until Facebook gives her the option of seeing posts by year. She clicks to 2014.

  
Another bout of speed scrolling confirms her suspicions that 2014 only has messages from when they’d been together. It isn’t until the 17th of August 2015 that Ben starts talking again. Sending his messages to her but he must have known she wouldn’t ever see them.

  
Until now.

  
Did he hope that she would see them? Or did he write to her almost like a diary, never expecting a reply?

  
She gets on the bed and absent-mindedly pulls the covers round her shoulders, never taking her eyes from the screen. It doesn’t matter if she’s up all night. She’s going to read every single word Ben Solo has thought to write to her in their time apart.


	2. Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, book marked, kudo's and commented. Each and every one means so much. Please be aware that all mistakes are my own as this is unbeta'd and I know nothing about swimming, coaching or elite athleticism, please just go with my imaginings. Thanks

Gold (gold)  
Always believe in your soul  
You've got the power to know  
You're indestructible, always believe in  
'Cause you are gold (gold)  
I'm glad that you're bound to return  
There's something I could have learned  
You're indestructible, always believe in  
After the rush has gone  
I hope you find a little more time  
Remember we were partners in crime  
 _Gold Spandau Ballet_

  
Ben: 17th of August 2015 11.43pm.

  
_I’m sorry. Shit, Rey, I’m really, really sorry._

  
Ben: 18th of August 2015 12.09am

  
_Rey, I did it. More than once now, kind of proven myself you know? It’s great, but it’s still all bullshit. I think. Did you already know that? No, you knew. That’s the type of thing you would just know. Don’t know why I’m telling you. It’s not like you ever come on here but, I wanted you to know._

  
The temperature in the room must have dropped a few degrees. There’s no way she’s shivering for any other reason than cold. Rey tries pulling the blanket tighter until it feels like the fabric is trying to hold her in a deep embrace but somehow she’s still cold and jittery.

  
Why did he message? 

  
Why did she have to find it _now?_

  
_What fucking good did it do her now?_

  
The urge to throw the phone and smash it off the opposite wall is strong but her need to read and make sense of everything stays her hand.

  
Why couldn’t she have read this, back when she felt her whole life was grey and nothing more than one long smudge of sadness? When Ben left it had been as if the truth underpinning her life had shifted and she was trapped in a hall of mirrors; everything similar but not quite right. 

  
Also, _what the hell was he talking about?_

  
She got the apology. A bit late, she thought bitterly. But the rest of it isn’t making a huge amount of sense to her. What happened on the 17th? Opening up a new tab on her phone she types, feeling a bit icky for pulling up his Wikipedia page. 

  
There’s something just off in reading about the life of a person you know. It never bothers her at all whenever she uses Wikipedia to help end one of Rose and Finn’s pointless trivia battles that they can’t seem to help pulling themselves into every five minutes or so when they are all on a night out because those celebrities aren’t real. They have no meaning in her life other than a picture and a bunch of neatly collated facts. But reading Ben’s Wikipedia is wrong.

  
It just is. 

  
It feels like spying, more even than her odd forays into his Instagram account. At least the Instagram information has all been put there with his consent. Glossing over his lows and emphasising his highs. Not Wikipedia. It lays it all out there. The wins and the loses. Not that he’s had that many loses; he is the golden boy of swimming after all she thinks snarkly. 

  
There’s all the usual sections and she skips past everything until she gets to career. Some meticulous person has listed all of the swim meets that he has taken part in and won.

There’s a lot.

  
Maybe if it hadn’t been so necessary to her own survival to pretend that Ben Solo didn’t existed in the early days after their break-up, she might have kept tabs on his career. But she chose to try and block everything out. Swimming is one of those sports that, unless it’s the Olympics, it’s pretty much ignored by the media. It makes it even easier for you to deny the existence of your ex.

  
Rey frowns, there isn’t an event listed for that date but there were big international meets around it.

The most likely is the World Championships that were held in Kazan, Russian from July 24th to the 9th August. It’s not quite the right date but she thinks she remembers Maz mentioning that Ben had done well in Russia, although Maz had been very careful in what she said to Rey in relation to Ben. Rey would’ve been home from university for the summer. Even a year after the split, she wouldn’t have gone looking for information on Ben. Rey knew like any addict, a little information would only lead to greater cravings and before she knew it, she would have been watching Youtube videos of all his races whilst crying and eating chocolate.

  
She runs her eye down the table of results. He won gold in the 100m, 200m and 400m freestyle, 100m butterfly and a freestyle medley, not to mention as a handful of silvers in the other finals he’d raced in. Her eyebrows creep up. That’s an impressive haul of medals.

  
True, it would only be one year later, and he would win even more at the 2016 Rio Olympics. It had been quite a bit more difficult to ignore him then.

  
At first, in the supermarket, she could easily walk past the speciality magazines such as Sports Illustrated as he featured on their front covers dripping in his past accolades as they hinted at his Olympic potential. However, soon it was Forbes, Life and Time magazines featuring Ben and his ridiculously handsome face. Still she managed to walk past the magazine stand. She did not see those broad shoulders and that expanse of pale chest glittering with gold. Nu-uh. 

  
Only when he had finally cropped up on the cover of the TV guide magazine’s Olympic Special that was delivered right into her home; did she finally admitted defeat and snuck a look at the cover. She would always be grateful that that issue of the TV guide disappeared and no one in the Kanata household complained that they didn’t know what was on the tv that fortnight.

  
Biting her lip, she tries to remember if they’d had any of their awkward enforced social interactions back in 2015 thanks to their parents but, no, she doesn’t remember any. Fuck, she guesses she never even congratulated him on these wins. Rey experiences a stab of guilt at not acknowledging his achievements even though she simply couldn’t have at that time.

  
So, what happened by the 17th? Her thumb taps on a link that takes her through to images of Ben on the podium. You couldn’t date a swimmer, without realising that the World Championship was a huge achievement. To even swim in the heats could be regarded a career highlight for some swimmers let alone actually _winning_ the finals. Ben had won races before obviously, if he hadn’t, he’d never have transferred onto Snoke’s national coaching team from Luke’s regional team. But this medals tally was something else.

This was really the start of his meteoric rise and Rey couldn’t help but notice that Ben had been right all along. Once he got rid of his distraction his career took off. So really on the 17th of August he should have still been riding the high from all his wins. After all winning was all Ben Solo wanted.

  
  
17th August 2015 

  
The key clicks quietly in the lock and he’s not sure why he’s trying to be silent. There isn’t anyone in the apartment anyway and he paid enough for his place that the walls are pretty sound proofed. The travel bag slides off his shoulder and hits the laminate flooring swiftly followed by his jacket. 

  
God, he’s tired. He locks up and considers crawling into bed except the gnawing hunger will definitely keep him up if he doesn’t do something to assuage it. Lightly clicking the keys in his hand, he makes his way into the kitchen and doesn’t bother with the lights. Dusk is only now starting to give up its hold on the sky and he figures after the hell of today’s travelling, he doesn’t want to torture his tired eyes with bright light. 

  
Dropping the keys on top of the fridge, there’s a half-formed thought that he bets he’ll never remember where he put them in the morning but almost as soon as the thought enters his head it’s gone. Pulling the refrigerator door open he’s disappointed but not surprised to see there’s nothing in there but a dried out looking block of cheese and the pack of beer Han had brought round the last time his parents visited. Ben hadn’t wanted to point out to him that alcohol and professional athletes in training didn’t mix as he knew Han was at least trying. Leia always claims she is going to pop in and drop off some groceries for when he gets home but she never does. He no longer expects her to. No doubt she’ll turn up tomorrow with a few items, forgetting that he doesn’t eat for pleasure anymore, he eats for fuel.

  
Cupboards open and close and there’s a can of tomato soup lurking amongst packets of dried foods like quinoa that only taste good when cooked with other things. Soup and some cheese from the heart of the block that just might be edible should tide him over until morning. Swimmers metabolisms run hot and the crushing regime of training and swimming meant that he spent his life in a permanent state of hunger. One that only seemed to fluctuate between starving and ravenous every couple of hours or so. 

  
He draws his hand down his face. His skin feels loose on his bones he’s that tired, but it hits him that this might be one of the first times he has been graced with a day off after a flight. He snorts gently. Not even Anthony Snoke wants to get up at 4.30 in the morning after more than twenty-two hours of traveling from Fankfurt to San Francisco. The five-hour layover at O’Hare had been particularly fun. 

  
After the World Championships, Snoke had arranged a five day intensive swim training event with one of his former protegees so instead of celebrating his, even if he thought it himself, astounding wins, he’d been bundled on two of the ricketiest flights he’d ever experienced to get him out of Russia and into Germany for the training camp. In short, he’s tired, hungry and vaguely pissed off that there isn’t a returning champion’s welcome for him, not that he’d really given his Mom a firm time of when they would get back in at.

  
Pouring the soup into a mug, he sets it to heat in the microwave and goes to retrieve the cheese. He stands illuminated by the cold white light, looking into the sparsely filled fridge, a few condiments and the beer. 

  
He never gets a night off. 

  
He certainly _never_ gets a morning off.

  
What’s to stop him having a beer? Nothing. No crushing reps in the pool that make his lungs burn and punish every muscle on his frame. Tomorrow he has time to let the poison he’s about to put in his body leech away before he has to be in the gym by midday.

  
He pulls out the cheese and the pack of beers and sets them on the kitchen island. With a knife he shaves off the worst of the dried-out cheese. The microwave bings and he slumps, mug in hand, onto the chrome and leather bar stool, leaning heavily on the white marble countertop of the island, ready for his crappy picnic.

  
Sitting in the dark he takes a few mouthfuls of the soup, draining it. Putting the empty mug down, he plucks one of the beers from its carrier. Turning the lightly sweating bottle in his hand, he reads the alcohol content on the back of the bottle by the glow from the streetlight coming in through the floor to ceiling kitchen window. His lip curls as he acknowledges that Han doesn’t do lite beer.

  
The soup and cheese are gone. 

  
As are three of the beers.

  
He’s making such good progress through the fourth, that Ben, jet lagged, still hungry, and not used to alcohol, is drunk. 

  
The silence in the apartment is loud. He hunches over the table and starts to peel the label off of the bottle. He hasn’t stopped, not really in the last year. This, sitting alone in the dark, might be the longest he has gone without some sort of obligation in months. Even his sleep pattern is dictated by others. 

  
Tapping the base of the beer bottle on the table, just to make some sort of noise, he draws one hand through his hair. He wants someone to be here. Someone to come home to. 

  
Ben draws himself up and huffs out a bitter laugh. Yup, lying to himself. He doesn’t want _someone_. He isn’t looking for _just anyone_ to spend his quiet hours with. There’s only one person he would ever want to be here. The one he managed to chase away. Quite efficiently. 

  
Ben had thought that Rey would’ve put up more of a fight. That she wouldn’t have wanted to let him go. There’s a flash of anger at her for not fighting for him and suddenly one of the empty bottles is hurtling towards the base of the kitchen wall, shattering on the marbled tiled floor. Glass skittering out from the point of impact.

  
"Fuck. FUCK."

  
He picks up another bottle and watches it shatter like the first, exploding over the floor. The soft streetlight glints off the shards, beautiful in their ugliness. Shaking his head slowly he blinks back tears. He presses the heel of his hands into his tired eye sockets and wills the tears back. He knows he can’t be angry at Rey. None of this is her fault. Rey would’ve done anything for him, even hurt herself. That’s why she hadn’t fought for him. She took everything he said as truth. When he had made his claim that she was a distraction and not good for him, she’d believed him and removed herself so cleanly from his life that even Snoke had been impressed with her ‘maturity.’

  
Except, it was bullshit.

  
Rey might have been a distraction but if she was, then she was the best kind. Rey encouraged him and made him want to do better generally with his family and her. But Snoke couldn’t allow for anything other than the prize; the lure of first place. 

  
Snoke lived for the second-hand power and esteem from his athletes being the best. When Ben crushed the also rans, it fuelled Snoke’s passion for the sport.

  
In Snoke’s world no one looked left or right; they look straight ahead to the next training session, the next race, the next championship, the next new record. 

  
It was how he got such stellar results with all of his athletes. Snoke allowed for no weakness. Even when Ben felt he was putting in a strong performance, Snoke always mercilessly pointed out where he was weak. The pressure of Snoke’s mentorship was something Ben had never experienced when he was coached by Luke and really now it was something he couldn’t escape from. But God, how he wished he’d been stronger after the Pan-Pacific championships a year ago.

  
_“What the fuck was that?” the older man didn’t even look up from the time sheets he was reviewing. Ben shut the door behind him and came into the room. He knew from experience trying to justify or explain a result only ended up with more pain for him so he stayed silent and fixed his eyes on the scar tissue covering the left side of Snoke’s bald pate. Watery pale blue eye met his._

  
_“How many races were you entered in Solo?” the voice deceptively calm and quiet._

  
_“Five.” He says as confidently as he can. His coach nods._

  
_“And how many did you win?” Snoke sneers._

  
_Ben licks his lips. “One gold, three silvers and a bronze.” An impressive track record by anyone’s standards for a twenty-one-year old at a Pan Pacific swim meet. The sports journalists and the headlines he had seen since yesterday had been flattering and predicting great things for his future._

  
_“Did I ask how many you placed in, or did I ask how many you won?” a muscle in Snoke’s wasted cheek ticked. Ben swallowed._

  
_“One.” He ducked his head._

  
_“One.” Snoke leaned back in his chair and surveyed Ben slowly. “Do I get out of bed at half four every morning for you to win one medal?” He stood and braced his fingers on the table top, looming over Ben. “Do I devise conditioning programmes and nutritional programmes for you to win one medal? Do I waste my time and my talent on a weak, useless fool who can only manage to bring home one fucking, pathetic, medal? Well, do I? Answer me boy.” Spittle flew from Snoke’s snarling mouth as he shouted in Ben’s face. It took everything in him not to flinch._

  
_“No, I’ll work harder.” He could hear his grovelling tone in the face of Snoke’s fury. But this was Anthony Snoke, the golden coach, Ben knew you didn’t argue with him. No one had coached a more impressive run of elite swimming athletes in the world. He was the Head Coach of the American National Swim Team and had a slew of Olympic, Pan-Pacific and World champion gold medallists on his coaching CV._

  
_“You’ll work harder?” Snoke’s twisted face assumes an incredulous look. “Words are meaningless, boy, only results mean anything. And **one** gold medal is nothing.” He sits on the edge of the table “With your legacy, your genetic advantage, you could be great.” Snoke shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. He doesn’t look at Ben as he lets out a sigh. “You need to prove it to me Ben. I need to be able to see your dedication, your devotion to the sport. Anything less and we are wasting our time here.” Snoke drops his hand so that it crosses over his body. “You need to give me proof that you burn to win. That being the best is your only focus.” _

  
_Ben swallows hard. The pounding of blood in his ears is loud. Ben looks to his feet as if some suitable offering to give Snoke will appear there. He wants this, of course he does. When he’d found out that his grandfather had been one of the most medalled Olympians in the modern games, he wanted to best that._

  
_Coming from his family being second best was never an option. Everyone was the best in their field, his parents, his uncle, his grandparents. He was from a family of achievers and although his parents never put pressure on him, they never understood what it was like to come **after**. To be the also ran before you even started. His Mum and Uncle had been adopted so their meteoric rise in their chosen fields was never dismissed as nothing less than what was to be expected given their family history. They didn’t know how excruciating it was to give every drop of yourself to your sport and for the people around you to just shrug and say ‘well what else do you expect?’ when you finally won, as if all that dedication and effort didn’t exist._

  
_But that was what Ben was up against every day. His family didn’t understand his drive. He knew he’d never be considered good enough unless he could surpass them._

_Improve on their accomplishments._

_Snoke was his chance and whatever Snoke needed from him to get there, he would do it. Ben had nightmares about being the family disappointment, the one who didn’t live up to his potential. Sometimes he wondered if Snoke was in his brain, knowing exactly which phrase to use, what string to pull to make him even hungrier to win._

  
_“Tell me what else I can do?” Ben appealed to his coach, watching as Snoke smirked, pleased that his apprentice was showing willing._

  
_“Give up the girl. She’s a distraction and your biggest weakness.”_

  
_Ben’s eyes widened and his heart pounds in his chest. The feeling not dissimilar to how it had felt when he had finished the 100 meter butterfly race that had resulted in the one gold they were now arguing over. This was ludicrous, Ben couldn’t even imagine not having Rey around. She was everything that wasn’t swimming. “What? No, Rey helps me, she trains with me-”_

  
_“And do you go at her pace or yours? She’s a dead weight holding you back, Solo.” Snoke returned to his seat and made an expansive gesture with his hands as if he was giving rather than taking away. “You know my condition. Get rid of her or find yourself a new coach.”_

  
_Ben’s mouth was working but no sounds were being made. Not only was Snoke his coach but he was also on the Olympic swim selection committee and probably held the most sway on there. If he said Ben Solo wasn’t committed enough then Ben Solo would not be getting a place on the team. A whiteness crept into the edge of his vision and he swayed._

  
_“I can’t-”_

  
_“Then get out. I have no use for weak willed individuals.”_

  
_Ben shook his head “No, I can still-“_

  
_“-You cannot.” Snoke slammed his fist on the table. “Greatness demands sacrifice. And this right here, Solo? This is your sacrifice. Keep her and I guarantee more and more of your time will get leeched away to spend with her. You don’t have that luxury boy. You can have all the pussy you want once you are the most decorated Olympic medallist in swimming history because make no mistake Solo, that is what we are aiming for.” Ben gazed at him in shock. He had never confided that it was his dream but if Snoke thought it was a possibility, something that might be attainable… maybe. “I expect to see an increase in your focus soon boy. If I don’t, you can go back to splashing around a pool with your girlfriend for all I care. I only take on the most dedicated to the cause.”_

  
_“Of course Coach, I’ll speak with Rey.” The words felt as if they were coming from someone else, not him._

  
_“See that you do.” Snoke smiled and then dismissed him to let Ben panic over what he had just agreed to do._

Ben sobbed, letting the tears he’d pushed back fall. Dashing the back of his hand across his eyes he was embarrassed to be crying, even though he was on his own. Stopping and taking the time tonight was only helping him to see what he had been ignoring and trying to train away. 

That he had broke them. 

He had pushed her out, not Snoke.

  
Yes, Snoke had insisted but he was the one that agreed. Snoke had feared Rey as she was the only person whose opinion he held in higher esteem than Snoke’s. Not his Mom’s, not his Dad’s, not even his uncle’s as his old coach. No, the only person who held, or rather had held greater sway over him than Snoke was Rey, and God, he just wanted to talk to her. 

  
To connect to her.

  
Not that she would listen, no. She didn’t even want to be friends. She had dug him out of her life the way you would dig a splint out of your finger. Quickly and completely. From what little information from Maz that Leia judge appropriate to pass on to him, Rey was fine. He heard all about how Rey was sad for a little while but had then picked herself up, went to university and got on with her life. She’d have finished her first year by now.

  
Good.

  
He didn’t want her to hurt. He wasn’t a monster. If he was the only one of them that felt the pain of their separation then that was for the best. It was his doing anyway.  
But God, he just wanted to talk to her. To hear her voice. To have her laugh with him and to be proud of what he had achieved at the championships. He didn’t need much. He didn’t need to see her or hold her. Just to know there was a connection to her somehow.

  
He stumbled out into the hall and pulled his carry on apart until he could find his phone. He held his thumb on the start button and the blue light from the screen cast shadows up the walls in his hallway. As the phone fires up and using the wall for support, he half stumbles and half slides his way into the living room before collapsing onto the couch.

  
‘Come on, come on.” The photo of his latest haul of gold medals that he’s using as his screen saver flashes up and he thumbs his way into his contacts bringing up her name.

And he freezes.

What if she doesn’t want to talk to him? 

Could he handle that? No. Fear slithers though him. Rey would be right to block his calls but maybe…. Leia had said Rey had been sad but that she was ok now. Maybe if he sent her a message, it wouldn’t be as good as hearing her voice, but he also wouldn’t get crushed if she refused to speak to him. And maybe she might answer right back and he'd know it would be ok to call. 

  
He nods drunkenly to himself and pulls up their old joint Facebook account. There she is, gorgeous. Fuck. What can he even say? Sorry. He can start by saying sorry. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be mindful of a trigger warning for child abuse. Signs of abuse mentioned but no explicit description given.

If you hear something late at night  
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight  
Just don't ask me what it was  
 _Luka by Suzanne Vega_

  
_Ben Wednesday the 26th of August 2015 10.16am_  
 _Guess you’re not on here._

Reading the first couple of messages Rey’s not sure if at first, he had been merely curious to see if she would respond or if he really wanted her to answer. The lukewarm acknowledgement doesn’t really give her any information either way.

It’s not until near the end of September that the messages start in earnest. 

Looking at the next flurry of messages Rey’s forehead creases. Despite her silence, because she didn’t bloody know he was messaging her; for some reason she doesn’t understand, he just starts _talking_. Letting the phone slip onto the bed, she rubs her tired eyes. “What the fuck, Ben?” she mutters to herself. Is he sending messages to _her_ or did he just need somewhere to offload after a hard day and the spectre of her was as good as anyone? 

Frustrated she adjusts her position and picks the phone up again and starts to go through the missives he’s posted to her. It’s bizarre, some of the messages read like a diary of his training.

_Ben Tuesday the 29th September 2015 8.51pm_   
_Times are off. Usual five miles freestyle felt comfortable but too slow. Perhaps too much weight-lifting? Ratio of power to speed miscalculated?_

_Ben Wednesday 6th of October 2015 6.04pm_   
_Snoke pissed at my posted times again. I’m busting my ass. Have increased the number of box jump plyos workouts and short running sprints during cardio days to try and increase reaction time of fast twitch muscles. You know me, Rey, always aiming to be the hardest working person in and out of the pool._

Others sound like they’re both engaged in a conversation, as if he is expecting her to answer any minute. Those ones make her pulse accelerate because they feel familiar. And because he’s gone back to using his pet name for her. 

Poe only calls Rey, Rey. He sometimes sings ‘You are my sunshine’ in a goofy way when they are mucking about in the apartment, but he doesn’t call her babe or darling and she doesn’t have a sweet moniker for him either. 

They aren’t that type of couple. 

Once at a dinner with Finn at Rose at Milagros, Finn casually turned to Rose and asked, ‘So Miele, what are you having?’ and Rose gave her boyfriend of seven years a secret smile before pushing him and replying, ‘Fish tacos and tequila BB, what else?’ 

Rey knew because years ago, Rose, blushing, had confided in her that BB stood for Beautiful Boy but Finn refused to let Rose use it in public, so they shortened it to BB. Rey loved the fact that Rose loved her Finn that much that she called him beautiful boy every chance she got even if most people didn’t realise she was doing it.

Later, on the walk home after some really good tacos and tequila, she’d asked Poe if they should have nicknames. He’d had to stop walking because he was laughing that hard at her.   
  
Still walking, flushing red, she only stopped when he caught her by the wrist and he explained that asking for a nickname made it all feel a bit forced and _‘not having a nickname didn’t make her any less special to him’_. Mollified she’d let him pull her into him so as to kiss her temple.

But something inside Rey purrs with delight at being Ben’s sweetheart even though she knows she’s not. And she shouldn’t want to be. _Shit_.

_Ben Saturday the 24th of October 2015 3.49pm_   
_I can’t be bothered with visiting Mom and Dad tonight. It’s going to be the usual, ‘you’re doing well but when are you going to get a girlfriend?’ crap. Maybe if I’m lucky, they might drop a few clues about how you are doing. Speak soon sweetheart. x_

_Ben Saturday the 24th of October 2015 10.41pm_   
_Well that was shit. Mom’s angry with Dad but neither of them want to tell me what’s going on. If you’d been there sweetheart, they’d have been on their best behaviour and I wouldn’t have had to spend the last three hours watching my parents steadily pissing each other off. Great atmosphere to have dinner in. Night x_

These messages he ends with a kiss. With one of her girlfriends Rey would know it was a throw away gesture. The way they always sign off their messages. But with Ben, she doesn’t know what it means. He doesn’t use it on the training messages, only on the messages that seem to be intended for her. That little cross could carry so much meaning; if Rey lets herself read into it.

Rey rests the back of her head on the wall behind her bed and lets out a long sigh. It’s late and she’s wrung out by finding these messages but no closer to understanding why Ben had been contacting her. There’s a leaden feeling in her tummy as she tries to pretend that there isn’t a part of her that wants it to mean that he wants her. 

That he wants her still.

That he might regret everything. 

The first message she read would definitely suggest that but…but what if it’s not like that? 

She needs to read everything, probably at least twice to make any sense of it. 

But should she? She’s with Poe now. What does it matter if Ben has been talking to an imagined version of her? It doesn’t change how she feels about her fiancé. God, if it did, that would make her the worst kind of person and that is so _not_ what is happening here. She loves Poe and she feels slightly sickened by the way her pulse reacts to Ben Solo calling her sweetheart. 

At that disturbing thought the phone gets shut down. She can’t do this running on nothing but shock. She needs some sleep so that she can process this properly.

But sleep doesn’t come easy and when she wakes in the morning, she doesn’t feel any more rested. There’s a vague impression of a dream involving Poe and him shaking his head and walking away from her whilst she tries to run to catch him. He’s always several feet in front of her and as she tries to catch Poe, there’s something that’s dragging her back. Even if Rey had never heard of, let alone read Feud’s _Interpretation of Dreams_ as part of her psychology course, it wouldn’t have taken much to understand the little horror show her subconscious had gifted her with last night. 

Hauling her ass out of bed, she puts her phone on to charge and drags on a cardigan over her PJ’s before she shuffles into the kitchen.

“Late night?”

“Sort of.” Rey yawns her way through her reply and Chewie raises a bushy eyebrow at her. Turning he pulls out a mug to make her a coffee.

“I thought the Tico girl left before midnight?” 

“She did, Dad. I couldn’t sleep.” Rey ruffles her hair and yawns again before slipping onto a seat at the wooden kitchen table. “A lot on my mind.” 

Chewie hands her a cup of coffee topped with creamer. “Wanna talk about it?” he leans against the kitchen counter waiting.

“Just stuff.” She shrugs. “The wedding. Everything changing, you know?” she takes a sip of coffee and closes her eyes in appreciation before saluting him with the mug. “That’s a good cup of coffee Dad.”

He gives a half smile. “You know damn well it is.” Bringing his own mug over he sits at the table with her “You know, if it’s cold feet you’ve got, you don’t need to-”

“- I don’t have cold feet. Who said anything about cold feet?” Chewie slides his hand across the table and grabs one of hers.

“Rey, no one said you had cold feet but I want you to know, your Mom and I love you very much and if you do ever change your mind, you will always have a home here. Always. Even if you change your mind an hour before the wedding.”

Tears spring to Rey’s eyes and she’s already pulling her foster Dad into a hug. “Thank you.” She whispers into his solid frame. Wrapped in his strong arms and smelling that warm, leather and tobacco smell from the odd cigarette he smokes on the fly even though he’s always saying he’s going to quit. It’s the scent of her Dad, and that makes her feel protected. Leaning back to look at him, she leaves her arms loose around his neck and laughs “Poe and me, we’re good. There’s no cold feet but I love you for offering to take me back in. Particularly as, if that happens, the Dameron’s would be baying for my blood.”

“Like to see them get past your Mom. We’ve always got your back Rey. Lot’s of people do. Us, Han and Leia, Luke. Maybe even that pain in the ass son of theirs, not to mention Finn and Rose. So don’t you worry, we’re all happy if you’re happy but if you need out, just say the word and we’ve got you.” He pats her back as she returns to her own seat.

They sit in silence drinking their coffees, the caffeine slowly infusing into her blood stream. She turns to Chewie, head tilted and a puzzled look on her face.

“Why do you think I’ll need out? And why did you jump to the conclusion I had cold feet?”

“Dunno. I guess Dameron’s not really the kinda guy I thought you would end up with. Good guy, don’t get me wrong, just always thought you’d end up with someone…different.” Chewie shrugs “But what would I know? This is more your Mom’s area than mine. I just want you to know you’ve got choices.” 

“Choices…right. Kinda make’s me think you don’t like Poe.” She looks into her foster Dad’s face and he sighs.

“I do Rey. Poe’s great and if he’s who you want, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“But he’s not who you’d pick for me, right?” she holds his eye until after a moment he shakes his head no.

“Good guy, Rey but sometimes I get the feeling, it’s like you’re not all in, not like you were before and hey I get it. That was a tough break you and Ben had.”

“What do you mean? Do you think Poe doesn’t love me?” Rey pulls her feet up onto the seat of the chair and wraps her arms around her shins, tucking herself into a small ball. 

“I don’t doubt that he loves you. He has got a brain, and anyone can see my girl is the best.” He smiles but hesitates before continuing. “This sounds harsh, but in every relationship there’s one person that loves the other person more. It’s rare to find two people who love each other exactly the same amount. Look at your Mom and me. I love that woman to the ends of the earth and she loves me too but when push comes to shove, I think out of the two of us, I probably love her a little bit more.” At Rey’s shocked look he continues. “That’s ok because we both love each other a lot so me loving that wee bit more isn’t really relevant.” Chewie raises his open palms as if weighing something on scales. “But if one of us was to only love the other a little, and the other loved a lot, would that make for a good relationship? No, because the one that loves a lot would always be going out of their way to please the other person. Do you understand?”

“Yes, but I don’t really see how this has anything to do with Poe and I?” Rey’s voice trembles.

“Might have nothing to do with you two.” He shrugged. “The only people who know what a relationship is like, is the couple living it. Marriage, it’s a big step and I’d want to know that not only did I love the person I was marrying, but that I loved them enough and likewise them me, before I made any major commitments.”

Rey blinks at her foster father. This might be the most he has ever said on relationships. He takes another sip of his coffee as if he hasn’t just presented a completely different way of looking at relationships to her. Rey had only ever thought in terms of ‘ _do I love this person?’_ but never _‘do I love this person enough?’_ or rather _‘do they love me enough?’_ Right now, it feels like too big a topic to get into before she’s even had breakfast. She gets up and rummages for cereal and a bowl before huffing and turning back to Chewie who’s gazing out into the garden looking perfectly calm.

“Eat your breakfast Rey, you always feel better with a full stomach.”

“What if you’ve put me off eating?” at her indignant response Chewie lets out a low rumbling laugh.

“Nothing puts you off your food girl.” He gets up and rinses his mug in the sink and makes to head out to the garage. “You’ll be fine honey. You know what’s best for you.”

Watching him leave Rey wants to shout ‘ _but I don’t_ ’ even though right up to twelve hours ago she was solidly confident that Poe was best. 

_Is best_. Damn it.

There’s no competition. Ben left her. 

She can feel a slightly hysterical laugh trapped in her chest wanting to break free. Right now, she’s having a crisis over a man she hasn’t dated in five years and has barely had more than short passing conversations with since then. Leaving the breakfast things on the worktop she grabs a banana from the bowl and eating it runs back upstairs to her room. The phone is activated and the Facebook account pulled up. It doesn’t take long to get to back to where she’d read up to.

Everything seems to follow a similar vein of training notes and chatty asides until December.

_Ben Wednesday the 2nd of December 2015 10.16pm_   
_It’s the US Winter Nationals tomorrow and I’ve put in all the training I can. Feels like it’s not enough. I don’t know if it’s some kind of weird kick back pressure after doing so well at the world championships or what, but each time I try to imagine the race, I can’t ever see the end. I don’t seem to be able envision myself winning. I don’t know maybe I’m tired. Snoke’s constantly on at me about how I’m not living up to my potential. I think he thinks I swim better if I’m angry but I don’t know. I need a good run here so that I get onto the Olympic team. I can’t fail or else it’s all been for nothing sweetheart. I can only cope with everything I’ve done if it puts me another step closer to my ultimate goal but Rey, if I fuck it up, I’m so sorry. x_

There’s real nervousness coming from this message and she toggles over to his wiki page to see his results at the winter nationals 2015. Gold in the 200m, 400m freestyle, 100m butterfly but he missed the gold on the 100m freestyle by two hundredths of a second to Joe Kuruk. It’s a similar medal tally to the world championship except for that gold he missed. Even though he definitely made it onto the Olympic team, she can’t help feeling disappointed for him even though logically she knows this doesn’t matter. She flips back to the Facebook account. The next few weeks are full of self-loathing and disgust at his ‘ _shameful performance_ ’ and Rey can feel herself getting angry that Snoke doesn’t seem to be doing anything to boost Ben’s confidence. What kind of coach keeps belittling their athlete rather than encourage them to do greater things? 

_Ben Thursday the 11th February 2016 6.57am_   
_Snoke went off on one this morning. All of us are a disappointment, me especially. I am trying, God, I’m trying. Right now, I could really do with a hug sweetheart x_

She wants to punch that bald bastard square in his face for the way he made Ben feel.

_Ben Sunday the 14th February 2016 9.48pm_   
_Happy Valentine’s sweetheart, I wish we were on a date tonight. I’d take you anywhere you want to go. I’d buy you dinner and let you eat your dessert and mine. Even if I can’t go out with you, I hope someone is treating you well because you deserve it x_

_Ben Sunday the 14th February 2016 9.51pm_   
_Lying. Sorry Rey, but I don’t want you going out with anyone else. I know, selfish prick, but hey if I can’t tell you the truth, what’s the point? x_

Rey claps her hand over her mouth and lets out a little gasp. Before she realises it, she’s crying. 

This is it. 

_This_ is what she’s been looking for. 

The message that says he wants her and not as just some sort of anonymous dear diary. Pain razes through her. This was real. He did - maybe still does want her - now when he can’t have her. But he could have. Valentine’s day 2016 had been the last one she’s spent on her own before Poe. God, she wants to scream. Why Ben? Why did you not _say_ something? Why does she have to find this _now?_ Now, when she’s happy with someone else?

Through blurry eyes she reads more messages of how he secures his place on the team going to Rio, how well training is going. There’s a desire to share with her everything, all the minutiae of his life as if it’s important to him that she knows what he is doing and when. 

But then she has to back away, put the phone down, moving away from the message that brings back memories that she’s talked through with her therapist but doesn’t care to spend any more time in their black embrace than she has to. 

_Ben: Thursday the eighteenth of August 2016 10:23pm_   
_Another photoshoot. The build up to these Olympic games are crazy. It’s not at all like London but I guess there’s greater expectations. Snoke is not happy about the amount of press I’ve had scheduled in these last few days as we’re due to fly out to Rio tomorrow. But you’ll understand Rey, it was for a campaign to get inner city kids swimming and the kids were a riot. All looked healthy and happy._

_Rey, I can only guess at how hellish your life was back then but that training camp is still the best thing I’ve ever done. Not the gold medals, not the money and all the rest of the shit but getting you out. That’s what I’m proudest of. I hope in some way you are proud of me too for that. Anyway, got to finish packing, need to fit in a swim and gym session in the morning before tomorrow’s flight. Goodnight sweetheart x_

  
~*~

Wednesday the 7th of March 2007

Fuck his Mom and her press releases and photo opportunities. 

Ben grabs his bag from the trunk of the car, slamming it closed whilst his Mom checks her lipstick in the wing mirror. She must see his scowl in the mirror because she turns and gives him her best ‘I’m taking no crap today’ look.

“Ben, I’m sorry if you feel I shouldn’t be here, but this is a real chance to show the voting public who we are. All Mothma wants is one photo of us with the kids you are helping to coach.” She tucks her lipstick back into her handbag. “One photo Ben. That’s it.” 

Ben tugs at his bag but Leia marches past him, conversation finished. Fuck that, his scowl deepens. ‘ _Who we are?_ ’ Bullshit. Who you want us to be more like. We haven’t done anything together in years. Even his swim training outside of school had been taken over by his Uncle Luke. Admittedly Luke was a professional coach but still, Leia didn’t even drop him off. Luke picked him up before and after school. Even with the extra hours of swim training it was rare for him to get home and find one of his parents home before him. Too many late nights and work trips, but it was ok because ‘ _fifteen is old enough to look after himself_.’ Fuck. 

“You’re right. I don’t think you should be here.” He shouts after her. “You haven’t been at any of my swim meets in years even though I’ve asked.” Leia stops and shakes her head as if Ben is being over-sensitive and dramatic again. “But when it’s something your press officer wants, well then you’re here, no problem.” Her shoulders rise slightly, taking a deep breath, no doubt to stop her ripping into him in public. Bet her press officer would love that. Leia moves back to him and even though at fifteen he’s nearly a foot taller than her, she reaches up and strokes his face. He wants to jerk away but there’s a look in her eye that warns him not to.

“Ben, I love you, but I will not apologise for having a career. I might not be able to make every event, but you know I will always be there when it matters, right?” she smiles as if that makes it true. 

So far, she hadn’t been to any of his junior nationals meets. He resented that he knows, without doubt, if he qualified for the junior world championships next year in Mexico, she’d be there. Not because he’d be in the biggest race of his life, but because it would be an excellent photo opportunity. Senator Organa, the devoted and supportive mother. Letting the public see ‘ _who we are_ ’, a family of achievers.

“Right.” He hitches his bag up on his shoulder and stalked towards the pool, leaving her to catch up with him this time.

The coaching session was in Jakku district, in a pool with cracked tiles and questionable sanitation practices. It was one of those community out-reach events that Principle Holdo likes to set up on a regular basis. 

Five weeks of baby-sitting some twelve-year olds in a pool with a couple of other guys from the school swim team felt more like a punishment than the recognition for achievement that Principle Holdo and Ackbar were selling it as. Ben could be doing his own training, but no, the Principle and school coach felt this was an opportunity to show leadership and community mindedness and all the other bollocks that would eventually look good on a college application. 

Ben had tried to skip it, as with his swim record, the chances that he doesn’t get a sports scholarship were so low it was ridiculous. Luke and he were aiming for the team reserves for the 2008 Bejing Olympics and hopefully a starting position on the team for the London 2012 Olympics. All this was, was a well-constructed exercise in pissing him off by wasting his time.

Huddled along the edge of the pool is a gaggle of awkward seventh graders, all gangly limbs and fear. Ben can’t relate. He’s been swimming since he was two, possibly younger if his Dad was to be believed although Ben didn’t count splashing about in the pool in their yard as swimming. 

Coach Ackbar and the Jakku swim coach are really supervising so it isn’t like a bunch of fifteen-year olds were in charge of kids who can’t swim. Ben takes in a breath of heavily chlorinated air and hopes to God no one drowns today. It would seriously delay his chance of fitting in a few practice laps once the session is done.

Ackbar breaks off from talking to the Jakku coach and heads over to him clip board in hand. Flipping up the first page he consults the second sheet “Solo, you have Kaydel Connix, Rose Tico, Finn Amadi and Rey Jones. Go meet your team.” Ackbar taps the board and tips his head towards the opposite side of the pool where four bodies huddle against the wall. Three girls and one boy. 

Ben looks them over. Not one of them has a swimmer’s physique. Waste of fucking time. He concedes that given some cardio and strength training the boy might do ok over the next few weeks, but the girls lack any sort of muscle and will need to work hard out of the pool if they’re going to improve. The brunette, the one who is studying the cracks in the orange and cream floor tiles, that one looks frighteningly thin. He’s not sure what a healthy weight for a girl of twelve is but certainly he doesn’t remember any of the girls in his class being this slight three years ago. Not even the ones that are always trying to be.

“Any of you swim before?” 

Heads shake.

“Anyone frightened of water?” 

There’s some giggling and the boy, Finn almost seems to be puffing his chest out. “No.” they all chime except for the skinny girl. Her eyes are huge and dart between the water of the pool and him. She doesn’t voice her fear but it’s there. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she gets even smaller and he thinks he should say something to make this little girl feel better. 

“It’s ok, if you are frightened.” Hazel eyes fix on him. “We’ll take it easy and I’ll help. Swimming is cool.” He tries for a smile but it feels weird on his face so he lets it drop. “Everyone, in the water and grab the side of the pool.”

Finn takes a leap and bombs into the pool splashing everyone. The little dark-haired girl and the blond squeal and shout their protests at Finn before they too slide into the pool. The brunette? She’s stuck. He can see her chest rising and falling rapidly but she doesn’t back away. 

Ben puts his hand on her shoulder to, he doesn’t know, push her? Reassure her? But she shrugs him off and strides straight into the pool. He looks at his hand and frowns. He touched her only slightly, but the sharpness of her scapula was unnerving. It felt like there was only skin covering the bones, no fat, no muscle. It made him feel uneasy that he had touched something that fragile. 

Not wanting to get stuck thinking about the girl he slips into the water beside the group. The water is so much warmer than what he is used to in the training pool. He feels uncomfortable and out of place with these little kids. 

“Ok. First thing we are going to do is get your face in the water and I want you to breathe out. Blow out all the air and wait a second before coming back up for air.” 

There are some grumbles from Rose and Kaydel about getting their hair wet and Ben rolls his eyes and informs them that they are stupid if they think they can go swimming and not get their hair wet. Finn laughs and flicks more water at them. 

“That’ll help you get acclimatised, Rose.”

“Leave me alone Finn. You’re always picking on me and Kaydel.” Rose pulls her friend to stand behind her out of Finn’s way. Rose then reaches out for the other girl, Rey, he guesses she’s called, who is smiling at them but does seem to be holding herself separate from the group a little. She goes with Rose who squares up to Finn, who can’t stop laughing and spraying water at the girls. Ben appreciates Rose’s take charge attitude but questions her strategy as from what he can see, all she did was gather all Finn’s potential targets in the one place for him to soak and for her to bluster in outrage. 

Ben shouts a bit and eventually the group does as he asks. Dipping their faces in the water, Ben stands by the edge of the pool, the water lapping at his waist and he can’t help but look at all their bent spines. Yes, he can see vertebrae and the shadows of ribs on all the kids, but none are as pronounced as the girl, Rey’s, are. It’s freaking him out.

The kids splutter and gasp for air as they emerge, and Ben tries to get his coach’s eye but Ackbar is deep in conversation. There’s a trapped fluttery feeling in his stomach which is similar to how he felt when Han shouted at him for trying to drive the Falcon. It’s a stick shift so he didn’t get much further than the drive before stalling. But this feeling small and a bit helpless? It’s the same. 

Maybe she’s just skinny and it’s not a big deal. No one else seems bothered. Right? Probably this is what most twelve-year old girls look like he tells himself.

Still. Something doesn’t sit easy with him and he asks them to do the face in the water exercise again and he wades down the line of them until he’s behind her. He’s looking at the way the skin stretches tight over the pronounced hills and valleys of her ribs. There’s something more. Pale white circles, faded by time, littering her back. 

Chicken pox. He nods to himself. He has a scar like it on his left shin. And one just above his lip but no one ever notices it thanks to the proliferation of moles on his face. 

He explains the next task, hold onto the wall, and put your face in the water whilst kicking your legs. It’s an exercise that demands a strong core and judging from how many legs are sinking to the bottom of the pool this lots stomach muscles are shit.

“Ben, I can’t keep my legs up.” Rose complains spluttering as she re-emerges from the water. 

“Kick your legs up, I’ll help.” He moves back to her and puts his hands under her tummy to support her. Even though there’s hardly a spare ounce on Rose, there’s a slightly squishy feel to her stomach as she kicks hard. He steps back and she keeps going. Her legs pistoning away helping to get her body to float. When she comes up for air, they high five and her cheeks are flushed from exertion. 

Ben works his way through the group helping them get that point of buoyancy and a sense of just how hard they need to work to maintain it. 

Ben had left Rey to last. He doesn’t want to examine why. He has been fine with all the rest but now with Rey, he is hit with nerves. Stretching his hands out under the water, ready to support her and he can feel the blood pooling in his face. Rey shakes her head. Little drops off water fly off the tips of her hair and hit him on the chest. At no point does she meet his eyes.

“I think I can do it myself.” She says quietly.

“Having watched you, you can’t.” He shakes his head; she has no real muscle mass. “I’m here to teach you. Let me.”

She ducks her head but gets into position to dip her face in the water and kick her legs up. Ben’s hands come up under her stomach but unlike the other’s slight ripple of fat and muscle; there’s a hollow stomach and sharp hip bones. Rey needs more help maintaining the shape and he has to put his hands under her a few times. To distract himself from the sheer brittleness of her bones he stares at the chicken pox scars. Some perfectly round and some with a slight tail. Odd. He can’t help frowning at the little discs, confused by them. How bad a case of chicken pox had this girl had? When she surfaces, he high fives her like the rest and quickly calls them to gather round for their next task. 

Finn barrels round slipping slightly. He manages to right himself but makes a show of swinging his head back so that the water arcs from his short dreads, no doubt trying to soak the girls again. 

There’s something about the movement that tickles at the edge of Ben’s brain. 

It’s like the same arcing motion that his Uncle Chewie uses when he flicks his cigarette away before grinding it out with his heel and giving him the ‘ _Never smoke, Benny, never start_ ’ lecture. As if a kid hell bent on going to the Olympics needs a warning to stay away from anything that’ll ruin his lungs. Yeah, Ben did not need that lecture, but Chewie gave him it anyway. Ben wasn’t a fan of turning your lungs to shit, nor the stink of cigarette’s or the way they… 

The idea falls into his mind fully formed. Obvious. The scars on the girl, Rey, round but a few with a tail as if someone had pulled away from whatever was trying to burn them. 

Ben’s eyes swing to her and she blinks and shrinks under his stare. He swallows back bile and his own fear. The teaching plan now scattered in his head. Blinking again he tries to remember what the fuck he was supposed to be helping them with but he just wants to burst into tears. 

“Um, grab a float board and, and do what you did at the wall. Same kicking.” 

His heart pounded, hard. Surely he was wrong? That shit didn’t really happen, did it? 

Leia and Han shouted. Pretty much all the time. But when it came to discipline, they tended to lean towards the removal of some bullshit privileges as a punishment. Even taking the Falcon had only resulted in being grounded for a couple of weeks.

No one had ever physically hurt him. 

Could…could someone be _hurting_ this girl? He looks at her, struggling to stay up and kick because she’s weak. Is someone… is someone _starving_ her? 

Hot, choking, rage claws at his insides and when his eyes now burn with unshed tears, they aren’t from fear of his first real taste of how cruel the world can be, but from fury. The more he looks, the more convinced he is of her neglect. 

Ben barks out instructions for the next twenty minutes and can see the happy smiles of the rest of his group dimming as they think he’s just being an asshole who doesn’t want to be there teaching them. 

“Everyone out. Remember, meet back here at the side of the pool, dressed, in ten. Senator Organa will be taking a photo with you lot for the papers.” Ackbar shouts over the kids all still splashily practising crawl kicks.

Ben doesn’t even wait to see his group exit the pool. Turning quickly to swim to the opposite edge he heaves himself out in front of where his Mom and Principle Holdo sit in the viewing gallery. 

Looking up, he catches his mother’s eye whose polite smile fades immediately at the look on his face. 

If she wants to prove that she’d be there when it mattered, well here was her chance. If anyone had the power to make things better for an abused child surely it would be a Senator, right? 

“Mom, I need to talk to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your continued support. I really hope the conversation between Rey and Chewie didn't sound too preachy but it was based on a real conversation between my Dad and myself when I kept dating fairly rubbish guys!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how social services work but even I know that they can't move as quickly as I describe on this story. That's the joy of fiction, no red tape!

Every time I think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

It’s no problem of mine

But it’s a problem I find

Living a life that I can’t leave behind

New Order-Bizarre Love Triangle

Ben: Thursday the eighteenth of August 2016 10:23pm

Another photoshoot. The build up to these Olympic games are crazy. It’s not at all like London but I guess there’s greater expectations. Snoke is not happy about the amount of press I’ve had scheduled in these last few days as we fly out to Rio tomorrow. But you’ll understand Rey, it was for a campaign to get inner city kids swimming and the kids were a riot. All looked healthy and happy. 

Rey, I can only guess at how hellish your life was back then but that training camp is still the best thing I’ve ever done. Not the gold medals, not the money and all the rest of the shit but getting you out. That’s what I’m proudest of. I hope in some way you are proud of me too for that. Anyway, got to finish packing, need to fit in a swim and gym session in the morning before tomorrow’s flight. Goodnight sweetheart x

Such an innocent comment. A few words acknowledging a difficult time. Words that send Rey reeling. 

The breath catches in her throat and the phone is placed on the bedside cabinet, slowly as if she’s slightly frightened of the machine rather than the message it contains. She does not want to think of that time. Rey is not that girl anymore. She’s moved on. She’s strong, with people who love and encourage her now and she will not think of that time. She will **not**.

Grabbing a sketch pad and her graphite sketching pencils that she carries everywhere with her, from her slouchy handbag that had been flung under the chair in her bedroom last night. She’d dropped it there when she and Rose were rummaging around the bottom of her wardrobe looking for the stupid bloody trinkets that started all of this off. 

Flipping to a clean white page and taking a few breathes to centre herself, she places the point of a soft smudgy graphite pencil on the paper. Studying to be an art therapist had given Rey plenty of opportunities to work through her issues in a medium that felt receptive and warm to her. There’s never any need to start with an idea in mind. Give over control to her hands to let them create and afterwards there’s always a story there. The soft charcoal pencil drags over the paper, aimless but in turn looping before moving into tighter and tighter concentric circles. Almost in a slightly detached and hypnotic state, the memories come. The play like a banner of moving images behind her eyes as the pencil digs ever deeper, gouging a channel through the paper, until she’s drawing on the page below and tears are dripping off the end of her nose.

At the time she didn’t know who it was that had figured it out; recognised what was going on. When you are the kid at the heart of an investigation, people tell you surprisingly little.

They’d came to Plutt’s early evening. Possibly they’d worked overtime or possibly they were out of hours duty officers. Who knows? The woman had a pale, drawn look as if she’d dealt with too much of this shit already and just wanted it done. The man interviewed Plutt, while the woman Jyn, sat with her in her room. Jyn asked a few questions here and there ‘How did she like living with her Uncle?’ and ‘Did she ever have friends over?’ Rey remembered being evasive in her answers. 

It wasn’t until the man stuck his head round the door and gave Jyn a crisp nod before retreating again, that she turned and asked Rey if she would be happy to come back to the office with her and would she like some help packing a bag? Rey’d gripped the worn velour throw on her bed so hard, Jyn had to come over to sit with her and help her to loosen her hold on the material. There was a weird rushing noise and it wasn’t until Jyn folded her into her chest that she realised it was her making the panicky sound. For Rey, her first experience of hope, manifested itself as overwhelming anxiety that this chance might be swept away. That these people might change their minds and leave her here.

A few clothes, an old doll she’d made herself years ago out of scraps of materials and her battered schoolbag were all she took from that house. She hadn’t owned anything else. Jyn walked her out to a dark sedan, past a cop car parked up in front of the house that hadn’t been there when Jyn and her partner Cassian had arrived. That explained Plutt’s co-operation.

After that it was a blur of bland rooms and white hospital gowns, photographs and interviews. Rey gave as little information as she could but from the sadness in Jyn’s eyes and the understanding on the medical examiner’s face, they already knew. She didn’t need to say. Plutt had written his story on her skin for them to read. 

Rey had gone for little over a week to emergency foster care before being moved in with a tiny woman, Maz, and her partner Rob or as he liked to be called ‘Chewie’. The state had decided that she should, for the sake of support, finish out her final semester at Jakku before transferring into the 7th grade at Coruscant Middle school which was her new catchment area school after the summer. 

At the time she hadn’t known the number of strings being pulled to have her placed with the Kanata’s, long term friends of Senator Organa’s. As an older couple already going through the process of trying to adopt, the Kanata’s wouldn’t be getting a baby but a child over ten years old. Thanks to some favors called in here and there, their application got fast tracked when she was placed in the system.

In less than three weeks everything changed. Rey went from being highly alert and fearful to highly alert and anxiously optimistic. Not a full turn around but she had food in her belly and so far, no one had hurt her. 

At first, she told no-one, not Finn, not Rose. Rey was a realist. If this new life had been given to her suddenly then it’s removal could be just as quick. Chewie would drop her off a couple of blocks away from school at her insistence so that she could walk the final part of her route like usual. 

It wasn’t until she returned to the swim training for the fourth of the Wednesday sessions, that she saw him again. 

The angry boy.

She hadn’t even thought about him but she stepped out of the changing rooms and caught him scanning the group of them and it felt as if he was looking for her. Because when he saw her, he gave a faint smile that seconds later dropped into a frown before turning away from her.

She didn’t know what that look meant. 

At the time, she was aware that there was a shared glance that lasted a touch longer than normal and then he gave a brief nod and shouted at the group to get in the pool.

It would be months before Rey confided in Maz, that she didn’t know why she had been removed from Plutt’s. Maz’s explanation of Ben’s role in it all had resulted in excruciating embarrassment that slowly morphed into misty eyed teenage adoration.

~*~

The shower spray needles at Rey’s skin. Everything feels raw. The warm water flowing over her but not warming her and those memories keep pressing in on her. When she’d said to Rose last night that everything with Ben was tied up with what had happened, she wasn’t lying. Would she even be in this house, in this family if it wasn’t for him? It’s impossible not to feel grateful when you know viscerally how different your life would be if one boy hadn’t been angry enough with what he was seeing, that he bothered to challenge it.

Tears mingled in with the shower. God, crying again. This was not her. She didn’t cry every five minutes. 

Enough. 

She didn’t have to put herself through this. She could leave it in the past where it belongs.

No one but her knew that she had even seen the messages. With it being a joint account, she was pretty sure that Ben would never know that she had accessed some of his most private thoughts.

Taking a deep breath and shutting off the shower, she stands there and lets the water drip from her skin as she reassures herself that this is the right decision. Grabbing a towel from the rail, she vigorously towels off and rubs at her soaking hair. Pulling on jeans and a t-shirt that stick to her still damp skin, she doesn’t even bother to brush her wet hair, just throws it up in a messy bun.

The phone is in her hand and she’s dialling the one person that she needs to speak to. It takes him a few moments to answer the phone.

“Hey.” Voice rough. He must have been having a lie in because she wasn’t there to bully him into getting up and going for an early morning walk in the quiet brightness of the waking day.

“Hey you.” She replies softly. God, more tears prickle at the back of her eyes again. This is becoming annoying. She sniffs.

“You ok?”

“Fine, fine. Just wanted to see what you were up to.” Her smile’s tremulous and she hopes he can’t hear it in her voice.

Poe yawns and she hears what sounds like his hand hitting the pillow next to him. “Nothing much. Having a long lie, going to hit the gym and maybe meet up with Snap this afternoon. What about you?”

“Just going to hang with Maz and Chewie. It’s been a while.” Her voice seems quiet and she coughs to clear her throat.

“Rey, you ok?” there’s an edge of worry to his voice. She can hear it like he can hear the hesitation in hers.

“Me? I’m fine.” _Lie_.

“You sure? ‘Cause you sound a bit…I dunno…” Poe yawns again.

“Nope, I’m good.”

“Good, well, I’m going to wallow in this big bed of ours for a while longer. Say hi to Maz and Chewie for me.”

“Will do.” Rey disconnects the call and stares at the handset for a moment. He didn’t notice that she was upset. No, he did, but he didn’t take the time to investigate and find out what it was that was upsetting her. Her breath starts to hitch again.

She wants him to notice. She needs him to insist that she disclose everything to him so that she can be comforted but he didn’t even try.

No, that wasn’t fair. What was she doing? How could Poe not taking the time to find out what had her a bit down one Saturday morning possibly compare to how well Ben had read her situation and acted on it? It wasn’t the same. God, what a cow to try and use this situation to make Poe look bad. 

_This isn’t me, and I don’t want it to be_ thought Rey. Nope, she was going to carry on with the weekend that she’d had planned right up until Ben detonated a bomb in the middle of her plans.

Moving through the house Rey finds Maz and Chewie in the kitchen putting away the groceries Maz’d brought back from the shops. Slumping against the door jamb, she watches them effortlessly move around each other. Maz turns slightly at the sound of Rey’s arrival before delving back into the depths of a grocery bag.

“Morning. Good night with Rose?”

Rey’s ‘yeah’ lacks enthusiasm and Maz’s head shoots round to look at her.

“What’s wrong, child? Lord, have you been crying?” Maz’s eyes crease with worry and Chewie turns and gives Rey a look with a raised eyebrow as if she had been hiding things from him.

He puts the packet of cookies he was putting away down on the counter and rests his hand against it as he asks. “Is this because of our talk?”

“No…maybe a little-” she tugs at the hem of her t-shirt.

“-what talk?” No one answers Maz and she rolls her lips inwards in disapproval. “One of you two better start talking.”

Chewie pats his wife’s shoulder. “I think you better handle this. I think I somehow made things worse this morning.”

“There’s nothing to handle, Dad. I’m ok. I’m…f-fine…nothing’s…” but Rey’s protest peter out and she feels more tears gathering in her eyes. She lets out a frustrated huff.

Chewie straightens up under Maz’s glare. “I don’t know what happened,” he gestures towards Rey’s form “but she wasn’t like that when we were talking.”

“Come with me child.” And her Mom bustles her into the lounge and shuts the door firmly. “Now what’s the matter?” Maz asks once they are seated on the oxblood leather couch.

“Nothing.” Rey shakes her head.

“Child, I’ve only seen you this broken once. So, something’s wrong. I’m guessing this is something to do with Poe?”

“No – well yes, but not in the way you think.” She can’t help giving a wry smile despite how ridiculously emotional she has been today.

“That ain’t just the most confusing thing I ever heard. Explain it so I can understand it.”

Rey made a disparaging snort through her nose “Don’t lie Mom, you know everything, you made a career out of it.”

“That so? Well how come I don’t feel like I’m following too well right now? Start at the beginning and tell me what’s got you so upset.” Maz runs her hand over Rey’s upper arm soothingly.

“So, me and Rose got to talking about ex’s and, I dunno, after she left, I guess I just wanted to look back at Ben and I’s time together, you know, so I went onto our old Facebook account. You remember, the one we had together?” Maz nods “Well, turns out Ben’s quite active on that account.” At her Mom’s blank face she elaborates. “He’s still using it, only he’s sending messages that are only visible to me and him.” Maz nods in a ‘go on’ way “But I’ve never logged on before so, I’ve never seen them.” Rey stops. 

Maz is waiting on her saying something but what to say? 

What can she say? ‘ _From what I’ve read it sounds like he’s still in love with me?’_

Or maybe _‘Everything I’ve read is fuelling a desperate desire to believe that he loves me and there’s a part of me that still loves him?_ ’

No? How about ‘ _I’m questioning everything with Poe since reading messages from three years ago and one from last month that’s really got me convince that he still has feelings for me?’_

All of these sound stupid and pathetic and Rey can’t bear to bring these thoughts into being in case Maz looks at her pityingly. The coffee table is suddenly awfully interesting.

“You don’t need to tell me what they said, if you don’t want.” Maz is a reassuring presence beside her.

“I…I …don’t even know where to start.” Rey stares at her hands.

“Remember, Rey, you will always rise up, so whatever this is, you’ll overcome it like everything else that you have been through.”

Rey snorts. “Not sure I will Mom.”

“Why?”

“It’s…it’s everything. Ben, he, it-the messages make it sound as if…” Rey takes a deep breath. “It sounds like he still loves me – or maybe he loves the idea of me.” She scrunches her face into a frown. “I don’t know. I haven’t even caught up with all his messages.” A harsh laugh escapes. “God, I’m only up to August 2016, a hell of a lot could’ve changed between then and now.”

Maz catches Rey’s gaze, her mom’s serious look tells her that what she’s saying isn’t being dismissed as nonsense. “Ray Kanata, how do you feel about this development?”

“I, I…” the words she needs don’t seem to be available to her any longer. Drawing in a shuddering breath she tries again. “I love Poe. I love him and I’m going to marry him. It isn’t right that I’m this upset over a few messages from Ben. Is it?” Her lip trembles. “Ben and I, we’re nothing to each other, nothing.”

Maz watches her daughter closely “Well child, I don’t suppose that’s true. If you were nothing to Ben Solo, he wouldn’t be sending you messages and if he is nothing to you, you’d laugh those messages off as the deluded ramblings of a misguided fool and head right back home into Poe’s arms. I don’t see you doing either of those things.”

“Mom-that’s not. It is not like that.” Rey feels a stab of guilt before that emotion gets smothered in anger and she shifts further away from her Mom on the couch.

“Rey, I heard you say that you think Ben still loves you. And from your demeanour I can see real distress at this news.” Maz scoots closer, closing the distance Rey had just put there. “Rey, darling, if you were indifferent to Ben, then there would be no reaction. You love Poe-” Rey opens her mouth to cut in but Maz continues over her. “You love Poe, but from what you are telling me with your behaviour, there’s still some strong emotions there. What they are, only you know.”

“What I need right now is for you to be my Mom and not a psychiatrist.”

“Honey, I can’t turn it off, it’s who I am.” Maz smiles. “When you’ve done that job as long as I have, you can’t help but see people, even if they don’t want you to.” She pats Rey’s knee.

“If you going into Psych mode, can’t you at least prescribe me some pills to let me get a decent sleep and the I’ll be able to think about all of this properly?” she asks cheekily.

“Tsk, trying to get your own Mother struck off, what kind of evil child are you?” she gathers Rey into her arms. “You do need to rest. Read all the messages and then you need to do what is best for you.”

Rey looks down at her mom and in a small voice asks “Can you tell me what that is?”

Maz smiles and pushes Rey’s hair off her forehead. “No, but I can tell you that we’ll be going to our usual monthly Sunday brunch with the Solo’s tomorrow. As I knew you would be here, I told Leia to set an extra plate as I presumed you would be happy to go. Maybe you read everything and tomorrow ask his parents how he is doing.”

Rey shoots up, two pink spots highlighting her cheeks “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“It’d look like I was trying to find out stuff about Ben.” She cried exasperatedly.

“And you would be. But don’t worry, most parents expect people to ask after their children, so they won’t be suspicious Rey. For all you know, Ben might have moved in with a new girlfriend or gotten engaged.”

Jealousy grabs at Rey and she can’t help asking “Is that likely?”

“You won’t know unless you ask, will you? You could be making yourself heartsick for a boy that’s using you as the person he talks to in his diary but in the here and now, he might be living a very different life. And what a waste of your tears that would be, eh?”

“Suppose.”

“Now, I was going to take you out for lunch later but maybe you need the time for yourself?” Maz arches her eyebrow at Rey.

“Please.” Rey stands, now that Maz has given her permission to trawl through the messages, she doesn’t want to waste another second. “Oh, Poe says Hi by the way.”

“You can say Hi right back when you next see him but maybe that shouldn’t be until the weekend’s over, hmm?”

“Maybe, Mom. We’ll see.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your continued support. I'm having a great time writing this. EPO I remember was involved in a few sport doping cases but I really don't know if it can be traced easily or not so please go with it!

There's all those places we used to go

And I suspect you already know

But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same

But something about it's changed

I'm not sure if I should show you what I've found

Has it gone for good?

Or is it coming back around?

Isn't it hard to make up your mind?

When you're losing and your fuse is fireside 

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Fireside – Arctic Monkeys

Ripping out the rather dark sketch from earlier, Rey gets a fresh page and decides that the best way to approach this is clinically. As if she is working with a client. Looking for the tells that slip through so that she can make sense of Ben. Settling onto the silver comforter on her bed, pad and pen in hand in preparation to work through these messages, Rey can’t help but find it funny how many hours of her life have been spent in her bedroom thinking about him. Over the years he’d been so many different things to her. 

Ben, hero to her twelve-year old self. 

Ben, reluctant friend who spared a couple of hours here and there teaching her to swim over that first summer break because he didn’t already spend enough time in the pool, and she literally knew no one in the area and she wasn’t ready to invite her friends to this new home yet.

Ben, the Senior who looked out for her as a Freshman, fuelling further fantasies of how he might one day look at her and see her, not as the little girl that he stopped from being abused, but as Rey a sophisticated young woman. Instead he would occasionally break away from his group of athlete buddies and check on her in the dining hall as if she were some sort of child who still needed looking after. 

As much as he kept her on his radar, he was never really friendly in public. In truth, he was a surly, grumpy teenager who, when checking on her at school would only throw a few terse words her way. “You alright?” was positively loquacious for Ben. 

Ben’s lack of engagement didn’t put Rey off, though. 

The passing months and years only saw her fascination with him grow. Rey would go with Maz and Chewie to the Solo’s for BBQ’s and brunches and they would likewise spend time at the Kanata’s. Ben was rarely there. Too busy training and looking back, Rey could now admit, he was also probably doing his damnedest to avoid the adoring gazes of an infatuated middle schooler.

When she’s finally made it into high school, she’d joined the high school swim team to spend more time with him but that plan fell flat on its ass as they clearly were never going to be in the same grouping. 

It did give her access to group pizza nights and being given a lift by him to the events. Unfortunately, those lifts usually involved putting up with Ben’s friend from the swim team, Hux, complaining about whatever had pissed him off that particular hour and only seemed to cement her child like status in Ben’s eyes.

It hadn’t been until Ben transferred onto Snoke’s rota of swimmers; a move that resulted in some bad feeling between him and Luke, and took up a scholarship at Stanford that for the first time since moving to Coruscant, Ben didn’t live a couple of blocks away. Given the level of Ben’s focus and intensity of training he hadn’t come back home the first Christmas. It wasn’t until he finally cracked under Leia’s nagging that he came home to visit that spring break. 

That was the first time Ben had looked at Rey Kanata not as a little girl but as someone he genuinely liked. Rey at sixteen was more mature than her peers, being essentially self-reliant from an early age had left her with the unpleasant side effect that she often felt too old for the kids in her class. When Ben visited this time, they clicked. 

Ben and Rey just worked. 

He had matured through his surly teenage phase and developed a self-depreciating dark sense of humour that clicked with her lighter, more sunny personality. They made each other laugh and even though they didn’t get the chance to hang out for weeks at a time, they kept their more evenly balanced friendship going strong through texts, memes and daft Youtube videos whilst Ben was at Stanford. Rey tended to fire off messages throughout the day and Ben would reply late in the evening. Rey often woke to some funny message from him. 

Ben was happy to pop home to visit more often. Something that wasn’t onerous seeing as Stanford was only a fifty-minute drive from Coruscant and he had more motivation than just visiting his parents and ignoring his Uncle now. The girl who was rapidly becoming his best friend and biggest supporter was there. In a way it hadn’t been a surprise to anyone when shortly after her seventeenth birthday, Ben asked Rey out to the movies with a quiet gravitas that let Rey know he was just asking her to hang with him. He was asking her out. She’d waited five years for him to ask, so of course, she’d said yes.

She let out a deep breath and smiled. God, she dreaded to think of how many hours she’d spent thinking of Ben Solo in this room. What was a few more? Rey picked up her pen and pad and started to trawl through the messages looking for clues.

~*~

“Rey, get down here.” Chewie shouts up the stairs.

“Coming.” She ducks her head and checks her make up in the mirror, correcting a slight smudge of eyeliner under her left eye. Smoothing down her white fitted peplum top, she stands back and takes in the overall look. Her skinny dark denim jeans and the white top were what she’d planned to wear on Sunday, knowing Maz and Chewie would most likely take her out to lunch at some point over the weekend. But going to the Solo’s, after everything she’s read and now knew, well, she’d felt the need to up the smartness level just a touch. She’d rolled the cuffs of the jeans into wide turn ups and slipped on the dusky pink heels she’d worn on her night out with Rose. 

Too much? 

Not enough? 

God, she was second guessing herself for brunch with people she’d known for thirteen years. The pep talk didn’t stop her from wishing she had her gold butterfly necklace to finish of the look but unfortunately it was sitting in the little jade green and gold dish at the side of her bed at home.

“Rey, I swear if you are not in the car in five minutes you can fend for yourself.” Chewie bellows up the stairs.

“I’m here.” She said as she takes the stairs as fast as she can in heels.

“Finally. Get in the car while I lock up.” Chewie huffs.

Rey walks towards the car fussing with her hair, pulling at the plait, making it look loose and fat whilst being totally aware that Maz was watching her every move from the front seat.

As she slid in the back Maz turned and spoke. “I haven’t said anything to your Dad so don’t think everyone knows. Just us.”

“Thanks Mom.” It helped knowing not everyone would be watching her.

“Now, go, enjoy yourself and do a little digging. See what that boy has been up to.” Maz wiggles her eyebrows.

“Mom, you seem far too eager for this.” Rey clips in her seat belt.

“When you’ve been married as long as I have, you need to take your romantic thrills where you can find them.” And then she lets out a peal of laughter “Now shush, here comes you Dad.”

In no time they’re pulling into the driveway of the Solo’s and Rey’s palm are sweating.

"Come in. You, come and give me a hug. It's been too long." Leia rushes forward and folds Rey into a tight embrace. She frames Rey's face with her hands. "Gorgeous. You get even more beautiful each time I see you." And the older woman's face softens into a smile as she pats Rey's cheek.

"Leia, it's been what, two? Three Weeks? Since you saw me at your party." Rey laughed.

"Yes, and as I said, even more beautiful than the last time. Now where is that handsome fiancé of yours?" and she tilts her head to look round Rey as if Poe is lurking on the driveway.

"Oh, he's in Redwood City. I wanted to spend some time with Mom and Dad." Leia's eyes crinkles with mischief as her smile gets wider.

"So, you're a free agent today." she tucks her hand into the crook of Rey's arm and leads her into the house before shouting "Han, open some Champagne, we'll need mimosas with brunch."

Rey could have sworn she heard Maz snorting behind her but when she turned her Mom gave her a wide-eyed look before chipping in. "Excellent idea and Han, you might want to add a little Cointreau for some extra punch."

"Alright." Ben's dad stands by the breakfast bar pouring orange juice into flutes. His handsome face smiling at the Kanata's before signalling to Chewie to grab the bottle of liquor from the cupboard with a nod of his head. "I hope you don't have an early start tomorrow." Han points the unopened bottle of champagne at Rey. "If the princess wants mimosas, then you are going to feel it."

"I might just have the one."

"Uh-huh, I'll remind you that you said that when you are on your third. These things are too damn easy to drink."

"You'll be fine, Rey." Leia cut in as she took the bottle from Chewie and topped up the orange and champagne drinks with a nip of Cointreau in each flute before handing them out. "Come, sit. Everything's ready. Han’s been prepping for hours; worked his fingers to the bone. The French toast and the pancakes are his and I bought the bagels, smoked salmon and cream cheese. The bacon was a joint effort." She cuts her eyes back to her husband, humour dancing in them.

"Teamwork." Han quirks an eyebrow at Rey as he makes his way to the cooker and removes a tray of golden buttery French toast. The smell is divine. Maz catches her eye and gives her a significant look but Rey turns away to take her seat. Rey is going to need at least one of Leia’s mimosas before she’s going anywhere near the topic of Ben.

Once everyone’s seated, the easy flow of conversation Rey remembers from many other Sunday brunches begins to ebb and flow around her. Perhaps it’s rude but Rey will start talking once she has her plate filled with her favorite foods.

“So, when do you start working on your doctorate, Rey? It’s at Notre Dame de Namur, isn’t it?” Leia asked.

“Yes.”

“Best thing about it, is it’s so close. No moving half-way across the country for my girl.” Chewie grins at her and Rey smiles back.

“This sentimental old fool would do anything to keep our girl at home.” Maz complains. “But it wouldn’t be good for her. Everyone has to spread their wings at some point.”

Han snorts. “Just don’t do a Ben on us and disappear altogether.”

At this convenient opener Maz makes big eyes at Rey and she can see her Mom practically dying at Rey not taking up that bit of conversational gold.

Rey sips her cocktail, the alcohol burning a trail to her stomach. “Wow. Strong” She coughs but keeps going “Stanford wasn’t that far.”

“It is if you don’t bother to come back home again. Only reason Ben ever came home to visit was to see you, kid.” Han toasts her with his cocktail and Rey feels the smile fall off her face. Meanwhile Maz’s eyes look as if they’re about to bug out her head, she’s staring at Rey that hard.

“How is Ben?” Rey manages after swallowing a lump in her throat that has nothing to do with the burning alcohol she’s downing at a rapid rate.

“Good-” Leia starts but Han cuts across her.

“Selfish. Typical athlete at the peak of their training. Nothing else matters except the prize. ‘ _No time to talk Dad, I’m needed in the pool_ ’-”

“-Han.” Leia interjects.

“This one here,” Han jerks his thumb towards Leia who is fuming. “tried her old trick of telling him you’d be here today to see if that would get him to turn up. But clearly, nada, no show. Guess you’re not as important as an Olympic gold, sweetheart-”

Rey’s heart kicked into triple time, _thanks for the reminder Han_.

“-Han. That’s quite enough.” Leia shoots a look of pure venom at her over sharing husband. “Rey, I apologise. As Han knows, you are engaged to that terribly attractive Poe Dameron.” Leia gives her a tight smile. “I was just filling Ben in on our weekend plans to see if he wanted to catch up with an old friend, nothing more.”

“Of course.” Rey takes a longer sip of her cocktail and tries to calm down the blush staining her cheeks. Nothing incriminating in someone’s mom telling them their weekend plans. It’s normal.

But if this is how she reacts at the mention of his name, she can’t dig for any more information. She loads her fork with French toast and blueberry preserves and concentrates on eating and drinking and lets the grown-ups carry the conversation around her. She drifts into her own world for a bit and only tunes back in when Han mentions Ben again.

“I doubt we’ll see that boy for at least another couple of months. Snoke is pushing him to the extreme.” At the dark look on Han’s face Rey can’t help but think of all the times Ben had mentioned Snoke’s punishing training regime and his habit of employing psychological abuse against his athletes. She found herself mirroring Han’s scowl.

“What is Snoke like?” the words were out before she even registered she’d been the one to ask. Leia and Han shared a look that was more sad on Leia’s side, than the blatant anger on Han’s face.

“An absolute bastard. Works Ben into the ground from what we can tell but I doubt he tells us everything. Luke has issues with Snoke’s training style for a while. Both the physical and the mental stuff. But Ben won’t hear it. He thinks Luke’s still pissed ‘cause Ben moved onto Snoke’s team. Honestly Ben thinks Snoke’s a God amongst coaches. Whatever Snoke says goes and-”

“Don’t bring that up again.” Leia rose swiftly from the table gathering some of the empty glasses.

“Why not? Luke is legitimately concerned.” Han twists in his chair to continue their argument before turning back to Rey and at her quizzical look continues “Luke’s worried that Snoke might be, somehow doping the swimmers.”

“What?!” Rey’s eyes widen and she shook her head in disbelief. “Ben would _never_ …That’s just not, it’s not Ben.” She appeals to her parents and the Solo’s. “Ben wants to win because he’s the best, not because he cheated.”

Han raises an eyebrow. “Are you so sure? Have you any idea what these kids get paid in sponsorship?”

“Well, no but…”

“Two point four million dollars. That’s what Ben got for fronting the Under Armour campaign.” He spins round in his seat to comment to Leia “I’m not speaking out of turn. Anyone can look the details of that deal up on the internet.” He turns back to Rey. “Ok, Ben doesn’t get all of that, promotors and agents all take a cut but even so, if he banks one and a half million, that’s not chump change. And that’s only for one campaign. At my last count, he fronts about four. Including one for some watch company that sells watches Ben would never wear.” At Leia’s exasperated “Han” he huffs “What? You know those damn things are ugly.”

“Ok, so he gets paid a lot. But Ben would never cheat. Winning that way wouldn’t feel right to him.”

“I don’t know, Rey. It’d be a hell of a temptation particularly if he was to use EPO.”

Rey’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion.

“Erythropoietin.” Leia informs her as she returns to the table with a fresh cocktail for her and Maz. “It’s a drug that’s very difficult to trace. To even know if it’s been used because it increases the amount of red blood cells produced in bone marrow.”

“I don’t understand.”

“More red blood cells means more oxygen to the muscles. Which means greater endurance for the athlete.” Leia tips her flute back and takes a long drag of the sweet liquid.

“But can’t they just screen for it?”

“Problem is, Rey, we all have naturally varying levels of this red blood cell production chemical in our bodies. It’s what helps make the difference between who’s a good athlete and who is exceptional. So, you see if athletes naturally have a greater number of red blood cells, more than everyone else to begin with; how do you tell who is enhanced and who won the athletic genetic lottery?” Leia stumbles slightly over this last line and laughs. “And I’m never trying to say that last phrase after drinking ever again.”

“Huh.” Rey turned this new piece of information over in her mind. “I get there’s a virtually untraceable performance enhancing drug but Ben isn’t a cheat, he wouldn’t use it.”

“Well,” Han takes over explaining. “Snoke’s a fan of injecting his athletes with vitamins B12, which isn’t illegal in sporting circles but as Luke tried to point out to Ben his rise had been a little too, meteoric and Luke, he…”

“Put his foot in it.” Leia swigs back the last of her cocktail. “Told Ben he couldn’t possibly have made that much of a difference in his performance times without some sort of help and then it was like” She slaps the edge of the table. “Boom. And I mean BOOM. Ben erupted. Called his Uncle some terrible things. Told him he never believed in him and Luke he just kept saying ‘do you really know what’s in that injection Ben, do you?’ and Ben he just… he just…” Leia fell silent, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears and Maz gets up and wraps her arms around her friends shoulders.

“Ben did what Ben does best. Put himself first and left. Oh, he shows up for the big events like our anniversary party or Christmas and will speaks to Leia and me a bit but it’s radio silence with Luke. He doesn’t drop by, doesn’t spend time with us. It’s as if he turns up to fulfil a duty and then leaves again. In some ways it’s worse than if he didn’t turn up at all.” The line of Han’s strong shoulders slumps so that he looks older and less robust than he usually does. There’s a rattle of keys from the front door and Leia rises from her seat to welcome the newcomer.

She coughs to clear her throat and calls over her shoulder. “That’ll be Luke, I told him we were having a get together today.” Her voice drifts behind her as she makes her way through the house.

Chewie taps the edge of the table and then launches into the awkward silence with chat about some engine the pair of them have been stripping and Rey’s thoughts wander. The Ben she knew and the Ben writing to her wouldn’t use drugs. True, she hadn’t finished all the messages yet. She was taking her time and trying to analyse them by content as if he’s a client and she hadn’t even picked up the phone this morning. She’d gotten too caught up in looking nice for this brunch. But everything she’d read so far pointed to a man dedicated to his sport and pushing himself to the absolute limit. There’d been a message at some point during the Rio games, definitely after he had won one of his many golds, when he had talked about it.

_“God, Rey, the rush. The absolute rush of winning. It’s like those movies when they film the action in slow-motion and everything is in HD. Life’s brighter, better, like you’ve moved beyond the realm of ordinary people and in a way you have. You have. Because you are the best and you’ve done it yourself. Hours of punishment. Every sweat soaked, muscle shredding moment of work that you put in, Rey, trust me, it’s worth it. God, it’s so worth it. I wish you could experience it with me sweetheart x”_

That wasn’t the talk of a man who was artificially supplementing his strengths. Of a man who employed an unfair advantage over others. She’s struck with the worry of how she’s going to talk to Luke without having a go at him. At this point she’s far too invested in Ben’s wellbeing and isn’t willing to let anyone disparage him. 

Rey’s so caught up in her thinking that it isn’t until Han mutters, “Huh. Maybe you’ve still got some collateral kid.” And tilts his glass to her, that Rey glances at him before turning to take in Leia’s delighted face and the towering man at her side. A man that’s most definitely not Leia’s dumpy twin brother.

Ben Solo actually looks a bit flushed, and Rey can feel the excitement practically emanating from her Mom though she refuses to make eye contact with her. Instead Rey forces herself to look at Ben even though her heart is slamming against her ribcage and oxygen seems to be in short supply.

And Ben? 

He’s ignoring everyone, staring right at her and in his deep voice he simply says “Hi.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to everyone who has read, commented and left kudos for my wee story. It's so appreciated. A bit of a warning, I have upped the rating to explicit (honestly can't really tell the difference between mature and explicit so when with explicit to be safe.) I have never written smut before and didn't plan to, it just kind of happened! I hope you enjoy. x

I can taste salt water

And if I blink again

You'll be sinking in

So we'll learn to swim in the oceans you made

I'll hold ya and you'll think of him

‘Shirtsleeves’ by Ed Sheeran

"Hi." she croaks out as a smile flickers uncertainly on her mouth. Every part of her body feels awkward. Should she stand up? Stay sitting down? Smile as if she’s welcoming a long-lost friend or remain stoic as if he means nothing to her? 

Thoughts on how to handle Ben actually being here, fly through her head. All the while she’s rooted to the chair, pinned like the one time she tried to take part in the school play and the audience had stared at her unmoving form as all her characters line fled and left just Rey standing there, not who the audience nor the play needed her to be.

Rey blinks and _sees_ him. Ben looks good. No, Ben looks amazing. Like himself but better. His hair is just as long as ever and he’s wearing a simple black v neck t-shirt that emphasises the breadth of his shoulders and shows off his muscular arms. Ben’s hands are tucked into the front pockets of his jeans. The memory of him doing it at other times pricks at her consciousness and she realises that he could be nervous. His feelings perhaps mirroring her own and this realisation lets her draw breath. But she needs to know is it because he’s with his family? Or is it because of her? 

The rest of the table is silent or maybe it only seems that way as the moment stretches on as they look at each other.

"Ben," Maz rises from the seat she'd only moments before returned to. Rey doesn't break off from looking at Ben until a shock of cold liquid hits her. It jolts her frozen limbs into action and she leaps back to get away from the liquid. A vivid stain blooms across the pristine white of her top, making the thin cotton stick to her as the drink seeps into her bra as well. 

There's cries of dismay and a flurry of serviettes. Rey can't help the twinge of regret that now, when she wants Ben to see her at her best, the universe hands her, her ass on a plate. 

That twinge turns to murderous rage when she hears Maz's sing-songing "Oops."

_Fuck, sabotaged by my own mother._

Rey’s dabbing at the worst of it and gingerly trying to peel the wet material from her chest. Leia rushes for a damp cloth as Maz's voice chimes out clearly.

"Ben, be a gentleman and give Rey a lift back to ours, would you? Everyone here's had a drink. Clearly, a bit too much in my case." And she gives her godson a dazzling smile.

Chewie opens his mouth but Maz lightly touches his wrist, so he shuts it again. Rey's eyes narrow at her Mom. Chewie's had a lite beer and could easily drive her home. 

Han concurs "Yeah, it's going to be a good few hours before Chewie’s safe. You don't mind son?" his eyes alight with mischief. Han knows damn well Chewie's the designated driver as he'd ribbed him about it earlier.

"Oh, right, sure." Ben agrees. There’s a slight pink flush creeping into his cheeks. He pulls his car keys from the back pocket of his jeans and mutters “I’ll see you outside.” and immediately heads out front to start his car.

Rey hisses "Mom" at Maz who is affecting her best innocent face but ruins it by making shooing motions at her daughter whilst Han chuckles.

"Leia, I'm going to need a top up." Maz notes cheerfully holding the now empty champagne flute up as evidence and Leia shoots her a grin.

“Coming right up.” Leia says.

“Fine.” Rey huffs and holds the hand not full of scrunched up serviettes out for a house key which Chewie hands her. His eyebrows are firmly in his hairline as he glances between his wife and daughter.

“I’ll explain later.” Maz says leaning into her husband.

“Not too much later. I’d kinda like to hear the explanation myself.” Han states and panic explodes in Rey’s chest. She sends a pleading look her mother’s way and Maz gives a shake of her head, telling Rey that she’ll keep her secret. However, knowing Maz, whatever she makes up to cover for the little scene she created is probably going to be far worse than the truth.

The ride home is quick. After the initial fear that she’s going to stain his car with boozy fruit juice, she decides to try and keep the seat belt held just an inch away from her chest. Sure, if there’s an accident then she’s going to snap her fingers like twigs but she doesn’t care. There’s a loop of ‘Do I tell Ben I’ve read his messages? I can’t believe he turned up.’ running through her mind the whole way. She’s barely noticed that Ben hasn’t looked at her since glancing quizzically at her handling of the seatbelt when the two of them got in the car, nor does she initially pick up on the silence. 

Turning into the driveway, there’s a strong sense of déjà vu from past dates. They’d sit in his car talking for another hour or so more because neither of them wanted to leave. Parking now, the silence is so large it feels almost like a physical force in the vehicle between them.

Unclipping the belt, Rey puts her hand on the door handle. “Do you want to come in?” she asks tentatively.

Ben gives her a fleeting look “No, I’ll just wait out here.”

“Oh, right.” She opens the door and gets out but just before she shuts it, she leans back into the car. “Come in Ben, I’m really wet.”

He’s still staring forward out the windscreen but there a tug upwards on his lips. It’s this barely contained smirk on Solo’s face that clues her in. The embarrassment of what she’s inadvertently told her ex has her scrabbling backwards, catching her hip on the edge of the door as she tries to slam it shut. Rey crumples slightly with pain.

“Ow, Fuck!”

“Rey.” Ben’s out the car and round at her side before she even manages to close the door properly. “Are you ok?” concern leaks through his voice.

“Fine, fine.” She waves him off. “It’s nothing really.” Nothing but a massive bruise waiting to arrive by tomorrow morning, along with a massive dose of shame at how badly this interaction is going.

“Seeing as you’re tender and wet, I should really see to you.” He’s shaking with barely controlled laughter.

“If you’re going to be an asshole you can stay in the car” she flounces to cover up her mortification and he throws his head back laughing.

It’s disarming his laugh. So uninhibited and joyful and it makes Rey miss him even as he’s standing right next to her. When they’d stopped being a couple, she’d lost one of her best friends. Ok, her main best friend but don’t tell Rose and Finn that. She watches him as he quietens and gazes back at her, the shadow of his smile still playing on his lips.

“If you can get your mind out of the sewer, you can wait downstairs while I change.” Rey employs her best schoolmarm voice.

“I think I remember the way.” He winks and for once the veneer of politeness that’s been the hallmark of all their interactions since ‘ _the talk’_ , is gone.

“I’m sure you do.” She whispers to herself.

Once she’s in her bedroom en-suite she rips off the ruined top and her bra and quickly washes the sticky residue from her chest. She hadn’t really let the water warm up so between its cool temperature and Ben being in the same house as her when she’s semi naked; her nipples are getting a little over excited. 

She tugs on her only other bra which is unfortunately a sheer t-shirt bra that does nothing to tame her protruding nipples. She further rummages in her weekend bag and takes out the thin t-shirt she’d worn yesterday and pulls it over her head. It’s marl grey and doesn’t go with her heels so she takes out the cuffs in the jeans and slides on her favourite pair of converse before heading down the stairs hoping, but not really believing, that things will have calmed down in the chest area.

Ben’s in the family room looking at pictures. A terrible display of all the worst moments of adolescence right through to a framed shot of them all with Poe at her University graduation picture. It’s never bothered her before that there’s no cute baby or toddler photos to balance out the acned horrors until now. 

She stops in the doorway and watches him, thinking she’s being stealthy. Even as a too tall teenager there was something about Ben’s face that didn’t lend itself to being beautiful, but it arrested the eye. 

Individual features like his lips being full and almost feminine, or his dark eyes fringed with black lashes were attractive. But when all of his features were taken together, there was no prettiness to this face. No androgynous look so often seen in fashion magazines. No, Ben’s features were raw, handsomely masculine. The type of face that had such good bones that even as an old man Ben would still turn heads. 

Rey supposed it really helped that he had that classic swimmer’s ‘V’ physique of broad shoulders and tapered waist as well as his commanding height. Yeah, thoughts like these were not helping. She folded her arms over her chest to stop her nipples from reintroducing themselves to Ben.

“You know, Maz and Chewie, were so lucky with you.” He comments quietly as he moves from the pictures and faces her.

Rey cocks her head at this and steps closer. It’s not how she views it at all. “You’ve got that a bit backwards. I was lucky to get them.”

He shakes his head and looks down at one of the youngest pictures the Kanata’s have of Rey before looking back up at her. “No, you don’t realise how special you are Rey. After the life you’d had? You could’ve rebelled. Could’ve acted out to make them prove their love and commitment to you but no, you were pretty much amazing from the word go.” 

He’s looking at her with affection and Rey wonders for the first time if maybe the reason they haven’t talked properly in years isn’t only down to him. Maybe she cut him short as much as he did her because she was scared. Scared, she would only see impatience and annoyance in his eyes when he looked at his ‘distraction’. 

Now Rey can look at him again because she knows things aren’t the way they seem. That laughter outside and all the messages she’s read so far make their relationship feel so much more _current_ than it really is. 

Perhaps if she’d never read any of the texts or downed a couple of Leia’s lethal cocktails she wouldn’t be saying anything. 

But she has.

“I’ve missed you.” She shakes her head and Ben takes a step closer. “I mean, I’m with Poe-”

“-Your fiancé.” He shoves his hands in his jean pockets and rocks on his heels.

“My fiancé, right. But I have missed my best friend.” She smiles at him. “Because that’s what you were Ben, you were my best friend and then we were suddenly nothing to each other.” Rey watches as several emotions play across his face; shock, happiness and weirdly what looks like fear before he exhales and the emotion smooths from his features. He reaches out a hand and gentle tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Rey is hyper aware of the sliver of skin on the shell of her ear that the pad of his finger skims. It burns.

Ducking slightly to look into her eyes he says quietly “And you were mine.”

Neither of them says anything more. In the silence that seems to haunt them, Rey gives a tight smile and steps away to head out of the house but stops when she hears his intake of breath and rests her hand on the door jamb, listening.

“Rey, if you don’t mind, I could really do with a friend right now. I know I won’t be able to claim best friend status right away -”

“Too right Solo, you lost that spot to Tico.” She quips over her shoulder.

“Right. Best friend slot’s gone. But, but how about a good friend? I’d…I’d really like to be a good friend to you.”

“I’d like that Solo.” And if she can’t say anything more, it’s got nothing to do with the mass of unshed tears blocking her throat.

It’s only when they’re in the car, heading back and the conversation isn’t exactly flowing but isn’t as absent as it once was, does Rey wonder why Poe didn’t automatically claim best friend slot in her mind.

~*~

“So, there’s a story lady.” Maz’s brought in two cups of tea into Rey’s room in the pretence of helping Rey ward off a hangover but really it’s so she can do some digging. They’d only been back home for ten minutes after a successful afternoon. She and Ben had talked a bit more but nothing in depth. They’d exchanged numbers; his old one had been too much in the public domain when he started to get a media presence that he’d had to change it. Rey stops packing her few bits and bobs to accept Maz’s hangover prevention cuppa.

“No there isn’t.” she blows on the camomile tea to cool it.

“In my professional opinion, that’s a lie. I’m good at spotting them Rey. I’m paid to spot them.” Maz puts her own cup on the bedside table and sits on the bedspread.

“Hmmm, yes you are but it doesn’t mean just because you know I’m not telling you everything, you’re then entitled to the truth. Doesn’t work like that.” Rey slightly burns her top lip on the hot liquid and puts it on the windowsill to let it cool. She packs a few more items in her backpack before clipping it shut.

“We all saw that the two of you were friendlier when you got back. So, what’s the story?” Maz tries again.

“Nothing. We talked a bit and it was good.” Rey shrugs as if it’s nothing. She sits on the bed with her Mom. “We used to be really close and we’re going to trying being friends again. It’ll be nice to have a bit of that back again.”

Maz’s watches Rey’s face. “And did you tell him about reading the messages?” Rey shakes her head “Why not?” her Mom asks gently.

“It didn’t feel right, and I didn’t want to embarrass him. They’re not really important.”

“Oh Rey, do I have to tell you that you are lying to yourself?” Maz looks at her over the top of her glasses. It’s the look her Mom used to employ when she’d been called into the school again over Rey standing up for the rights of others a little too vocally, and on more than one occasion, physically. Even though Maz isn’t her biological Mom, she’s got the ‘ _You’ve disappointed me_ ’ look perfected.

“No.” Rey shakes her head for emphasis. At Maz’s raised eyebrows she exclaims. “I’m not lying.”

“Do you really think you would have been happy to talk to Ben if you hadn’t spent the last twenty -four hours seeing yourself reflected through the prism of his regard? Of course, you wouldn’t have. You’ve had five years to get some semblance of friendship back and you two haven’t stayed in a conversation long enough to establish anything more than that you are both ‘fine’.” Rey flinches at this harsh assessment. “That boy needs to know you’ve read them and then he needs to figure out if he can be that exposed and vulnerable with you.” Maz jabs the duvet with her index finger. “This is not a stable footing on which to re-establish a friendship.”

“I’ll tell him.” Rey protests.

Maz gets to her feet. “When?”

“Soon.” Although in truth it’d be a lot easier if she just forgot to tell Ben she’d seen those messages.

Maz puts her hands on her hips and for such a tiny woman, she looks fierce. “Do not trivialise this Rey. Knowing another’s personal, intimate details will always lead to a power imbalance in a relationship. Even if that person had disclosed that information freely, which he did not-”

“-he did. He wrote those messages knowing I could read them at any time.” Rey interjects.

“No, he didn’t.” Maz shakes her head “He thinks you haven’t read any of them. He thinks he’s sending messages out into the ether. Rey, you must realise that it’ll be so much worse when Ben does find out you’ve had access to all his private thoughts and hopes.”

Maz’s reprimanding stare is hard and Rey can’t remember her Mom ever being this adamant or pushy and she wonders if Maz is still feeling the effects of the Mimosas. “OK. I promise I’ll tell him.” She agrees petulantly. Next time, she promises herself. Maybe he won’t call and she won’t need to say anything.

Maz’s face relaxes “Good, now drink your tea and Dad’ll give you a lift home.”

“Would that be my _heavy_ drinking father who isn’t safe to get behind the wheel of a car even though he’s only had two lite beers all day?” she snarks.

“Why Rey, you know you can never be too careful.” Maz gives her a conspiratorial smile before slipping out of the bedroom.

~*~

“You haven’t told me how the weekend went.” Poe says as he tidies away his dinner dishes. Rey nibbles on her last cracker and cheese having eaten far too much earlier today.

“Hmm? Good. Maz is up to her usual.” Rey finishes the cracker.

“Oh?” Poe quirks up an eyebrow. Rey wishes she hadn’t said anything. How to explain this afternoon without it sounding suspicious to her fiancé? Not that there’s anything to be suspicious of. There’s nothing wrong with Rey having friends and God, Poe would be the last man to try and impose any rules on who she sees and who she doesn’t, but still, she’s left coated in guilt whenever she thinks of talking about re-establishing a friendship with Ben to Poe.

She aims for casual.

“Yeah Ben was there-”

“The swimmer, your ex?” he cuts in.

“Yeah. Anyway, Mom got him to help out with some stuff and we got chatting again and you know…” she gives a shrug and starts to sweep cracker crumbs off the counter into her hand. That was a suitably ambiguous answer although why she doesn’t want to just tell Poe straight out that she and Ben might get in touch with one another again, she doesn’t know and doesn’t want examine.

“And you know…” Poe repeats her statement and makes ‘go on’ movements with the dish towel in his hand to get her to continue. She looks up at him, surprised that he wants more information.

“We exchanged numbers.” Poe frowns, Rey rushes on. “It’s not like he’s going to call. You saw how he was at his parent’s anniversary party and he’s always busy with practice and training. He’s got the Olympics next year and a hundred and one championships between then and now no doubt. He’ll barely be in the country let alone the state.” She gets out her seat and throws the crumbs into the bin. Poe is chewing on his bottom lip and then it’s as if he can’t keep it in anymore.

“Thing is Rey, I did see him at the party. I didn’t talk to him as he’d sculked off somewhere before we were introduced, but I did see him.” Poe looks unusually harsh.

“And?”

“And he couldn’t take his eyes off you the whole night.” Poe throws the dish towel on the counter.

  
“That’s not true.” Rey huffs out and leans against the counter folding her arms as Poe makes an incredulous face. “It isn’t.” she throws her hands up. “For all I know he could have been watching you, trying to suss you out.” Rey feels both cornered and slightly flattered if Poe’s observations are true. Not that, _that_ , should matter.

“And why should he bother to ‘suss’ out your fiancé?” he crosses his arms and the movement shows off the muscles in his arms that he no doubt worked on at the gym today with Snap.

“I don’t know. Poe, he’s a multi-millionaire Olympian on track to rack up more sponsorship and gold medals next summer. Believe me, Ben Solo isn’t interested in me in any way other than as a friend.” The phone in her back pocket burns against her ass. It’s true he might have been interested but really, it’s been five years and the Rey, Ben’s writing to doesn’t really exist anymore. She’s grown, changed and she loves Poe. Selfishly, she wants to have Ben back in her life but as a friend. _Only_ as a friend. “You only think guys are interested in me, because you’re interested in me.” She says with a slight smile to break the tension.

Poe leans forward and kisses her on the lips.

“Too right I’m interested.” And he swats her backside. Rey squeals and moves away.

“Enough of that, I’m tired. I’m going to have a bath.” _And maybe check my messages for anything from Ben and if there’s nothing there maybe log into our old Facebook account again._ She shakes her head disgusted with herself as she heads to the bedroom.

“Ok. Do you want me to bring you anything in? Tea, a water, hot chocolate?” Poe calls from the kitchen.

“What? No, I’m good.” Rey calls as she pulls her clothes off and leaves them in a heap beside the bed before slipping into her dressing gown. She belts it loosely and sorts through the jumble of clothes before she slips her phone into the deep pocket of the gown. Making her way to the bathroom she starts to draw the bath. She’s pulling her hair up into a loose knot on the top of her head when Poe pop’s his head around the door. 

“Brought you a water anyway.” he says as he places a glass on the edge of the sink.

“Thanks.” she turns to smile at him.

“Hmm.” He slips his fingertips, chilled from the glass, inside the satin material and traces the skin at her waist. Goosebumps erupt in the wake of his touch. “How about I join you in the bath?” he smiles and lowers his head to catch her lips. His free hand tugs the belt loose. The gown parts easily and he runs a hand up the side of her ribs until her breast is resting heavy in the palm of his hand, thumb stroking her nipple. Rey sharps in a breath. Deepening the kiss, the sparks of sensation that should be lighting her up are decidedly muted this evening.

“I’ve missed you this weekend.” He breathes.

“Yeah?”

“Hmm,” another kiss. “I don’t like it when you’re away too long.” His hand that had been stroking her waist drifts down to the apex of her thighs. “How about I get you really dirty before you get clean?” his fingers run lightly through her folds before he makes to push one finger inside.

Rey hisses through her teeth at the uncomfortable dry sensation.

“Rey?”

“Sorry, I’ve been drinking, tired, you know?” she wraps her arms around his shoulders and goes back in to kiss him again. Their lips part and Rey’s heart starts to beat faster as the kiss becomes more intense. The whole time Poe strokes her, Rey can’t help the fluttery feeling in her stomach and the thought slithering through her head, _why am I not wet?_ She accepts she must be really tired, as Poe always gets her wet and she tries to relax into it.

Poe draws back, eyes heavy lidded with desire before he drops to his knees. Grabbing her hips he leans forwards and lightly breathes on her sex before gently parting her folds with his tongue. Rey braces her hands against the edge of the wash basin as a shudder runs through her. Poe languorously sweeps his tongue along her slit a few times before sucking lightly on her clit and Rey can’t help the gasp that falls from her lips. Poe’s attentions are drawing desire through her veins and he uses the flat of his tongue to lick the moisture that is now beginning to coating her. He glances up and gives a slight smile but doesn’t stop until she is bucking against his face, her gown sliding off her shoulders and pooling on her forearms.

Rey moans as he flicks his tongue over her bud and one of her hands lets go of the basin to grip the back of his head, pulling him deeper into her cunt. Eyes squeezed shut she concentrates on the feelings, the movements of Poe’s mouth on her. As she feels the desire coiling in her belly, she has to steel herself against the intrusion of other images that try to creep into her mind. Her fingers flex and tangle in dark curls, curls that she can’t help but think are too short. Confused, she pushes that thought away, focussing on the sensations until finally Poe coaxes the orgasm from her. 

Rey groans as she comes, her skin lightly coated in perspiration. Poe leaves a damp trail of open-mouthed kisses across her stomach and over her breasts as he makes his way back up her body. She can taste herself on his lips as he holds her, kisses her through her aftershocks.

After a moment he leans away and turns off the taps. In the steamy bathroom, Rey watches his every move as if he is a predator and she his prey. He doesn’t look away as he unbuckles his belt, unzips and pushes both his jeans and trunks down his thighs. She feels him hot and hard against her abdomen and a thrill runs through her as he crowds her. Poe skims his hands down her body until he anchors one hand on her hip and the other smooths down and around her thigh until he slides his hand under and hitches her leg up, opening her to him. He helps her rest her foot on the side of the bath. They’re quiet as if everything has been said out in the kitchen and now words are unnecessary, only their attraction. 

She’s naked and vulnerable to him and he’s essentially fully dressed as he pushes his hard cock into her now wet centre. There’s the very real slide of him against her walls as he seats himself inside. The silence makes every other sensation overwhelming. The bite of the hard ceramic into her flesh. The need to be on her tip toe on the leg she’s standing on. The drag of his cock inside her as he pushes into her again, and again. Never letting her regain her balance always keeping her just off kilter, grasping for him to stay up right. The sound his breath harsh and ragged in her ear as he nears completion, her own stuttering intakes of breath, the slick slide of two bodies moving. 

Rey’s thighs tremble as his pubic bone brushes against her clitoris and she feels her body being dragged into another orgasm. It hits and she jerks forward into him gasping and it’s enough to bring him to the edge too. His movements, fast and powerful as he strokes deeper and deeper inside her until he comes with a grunt. They stand, skin to skin, wrapped in a carnal embrace, bodies as close as they can get. Poe’s cock still throbbing inside her when he turns slightly to kiss the side of her cheek lazily before pulling out of her.

“There, that’ll help you relax.” He says cheekily before leaning in for another kiss as he tucks himself back into his jeans. “I’ll leave you to your bath in peace.”

Her leg drifts to the floor and she pulls the gown around her. She follows him to the door and for once slides the bathroom lock into place. Turning to swipe the condensation from the mirror she looks at herself. She doesn’t look any different, but she knows she is. Tonight, she might have come with Poe inside her, but he wasn’t the only man in her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, if that's not quite the pairing you were expecting but he is her fiance and I promise you this is a dedicated Reylo with a HEA. Runs away to hide x


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy x

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you

You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I won't be messing

With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

Weezer My best friend

Monday 26th of August 2019

“What time is it?” the shuffling from the other side of the bed, wakes Rey. It’s light out but the beams filtering in round the blinds seem weak, almost watery. She blinks a few times and tries to wake up more.

“Six. Sorry, I just wanted to wish you luck for today. You’ll be great.” Poe whispers, kneeling on the edge of the bed and leaning in to press a kiss into her hair before moving away.

“Six? Why’re you up at six?” Rey says at normal volume. There’s no one else to wake up. She rolls on her side facing his back as he rummages in the dresser for underwear. “Uh, thanks.” She rubs her eye with the heel of her hand. “First class isn’t ‘til nine thirty but thanks for the early wake up.”

He laughs at her grumpy face and leans back again and tousles her hair.

“I’ve got the assignment at the private airfield remember?”

“At six? Your employers are sadists.” she turns her face into the pillow to block out the light.

“It’s a two-hour drive but it’s the only job on the docket for today.” She feels his smile as he kisses the back of her head.

“Hmph. I’d have liked you better at seven o’clock.” She grouses, he ignores her.

“I should be back by five tonight, do you want me to make something for dinner?”

“Hmm, no it’s fine. I’ve got a few orientation meetings and then I should be done by three. I’ll make something.”

“Great. You’ll be fantastic today, best art therapist they’ve ever therapised.”

“That’s not a thing.” She swats his words away and lets her arm flop back down over her head.

“Course it is, it’s what you are going to be, my amazing art therapist.” Rey peaks an eye out from under her elbow to watch him leave the bedroom. 

Rey flops onto her back and blows the air out between her lips. She’s too awake now to go back to sleep. She’s got the fear that if she does manage to get back to sleep, she’ll probably end up sleeping in now. 

Rey pulls her mobile from the bedside unit and taps the pass code into the screen. Lighting up, there’s notifications from various apps but no message from Ben. She half-heartedly checks a few of them. The lack of message feels like a misstep in her morning but it’s ok, she re-assures herself. They probably aren’t going to get back to where they were right away. It’s not like she’s waiting eagerly for a message from him. 

Because that’s not what this is. 

It’s two friends reconnecting. Taking it slow. Getting used to having each other in their lives again. Her thumb drifts over to her messaging app, it hovers there for a moment but then she pulls up her alarm and sets it for 7.30. Dropping the phone back on the bedside table she settles down to try to fall back asleep again. 

She flips the pillow so that the cool side of the cotton rests against her cheek. 

Sighing she listens as she hears Poe coming out of the bathroom before starting to move around the kitchen. Cupboards open and close, a granola bar is ripped open and juice poured.

Rey wiggles her toes and tries to bury herself further into the bedding. 

She rolls onto her other side.

The temptation is there. But she’s not going to look at the Facebook account, that’s not who she is. Rey isn’t a snoop. To look now isn’t something she is going to do.

Poe dumps his glass in the sink and rummages in the fridge, gathering his lunch. 

Rey pulls up onto her elbows and punches the pillow to make it more comfortable. Maz is right. Now that they are going to be in touch, in real life, it’s a violation of his privacy. Probably the worst kind of violation.

She flips from one side to the other, the duvet tangling in her legs. The door to the apartment opens and closes and she hears Poe walking towards the stairwell.

The thing is no one would know. Not Maz, not Ben. Just Rey would know that she’d given in to temptation.

Nope, not happening. 

Rey’s out of bed and picking out her clothes for the day. A cowl necked sleeveless cream top and a 70’s style tan suede a-line mini skirt with steel poppers down the front that she’d picked up at a flea market last year. As she pulls out her underwear from the dresser, she deliberately doesn’t look at the phone. It feels like her eyes are being forever drawn back towards it. She grabs her clothes and flies into the bathroom to put space between her and the damn phone.

Lathering up under the spray, she concentrates on the act of washing. Concentrating so that the whisper curling round the base of her skull can’t be heard. As much as she scrubs and rinses and dries it still pervades her thoughts. _No one would know. Ben probably hasn’t even posted anything any way but if he has, it’d let you know where you stand. Would it be so bad to know where you stand? No, it would help you know what this is, plus there might not even be a message. It’s harmless really._

“I’m not doing it.” she mutters to herself as she pulls on her top.

It’s not until she’s mindlessly munching on toast and draining her cup of coffee that she picks up the phone and almost as if her fingers are on auto pilot, she pulls up the account and types in the password. 

_Sunday 25 th August 2019 8.37pm_

_Ben: When Mom said you’d be at theirs today I thought maybe we’d do our usual dance around each other. That would have been fine, I’d have been happy with that. But for the first time in forever it felt like we were us again. Ok just a bit, I know it was still as awkward as all hell but you know, we talked and you didn’t look as if you wanted to run away from me the way you usually do. Leaving to go back for training was tough but the session went amazing because my head was in the right place. I’ve got the feeling we’re going to be good again. Good night sweetheart x_

Rey blinks. Had she… How did that happen? She’d been so sure she wouldn’t look up the account. She was strong, wasn’t she? Well clearly not if it only took her mind to wander a bit and her first aimless act was to pull up the account and violate Ben’s privacy.

Oh God, she’s violated Ben’s privacy.

The magnitude of what she’s done seems real for the first time. Looking at the messages before Sunday had shocked her due to their very unexpectedness and there was a great deal of confusion on her part as to why Ben was messaging a girlfriend he’d dismissed so easily in the past. But now, on a Monday morning, fresh from having spoken to him, connected with him? The guilt at looking at them makes her meagre breakfast want to claw its way back up her oesophagus. 

Maz, as always, is right. This is like getting someone’s secret diary, photocopying pages and posting them around the streets for everyone to see and judge. Rey drops the phone and pushes her hair back from her forehead and ends up with one of her hands covering her mouth as if trying to hold in her revulsion. 

Ashamed. That’s what she is. Ashamed of what she’s done, of what she now knows. 

Feeling too hot, she makes her way into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. Resting her hands on the cool ceramic of the sink, another wave of shame washes over her and she almost can’t tell if she’s ashamed of herself for sneaking a look at Ben’s messages or if it is because she now knows she was fucking her fiancé while Ben was writing about how happy simply talking to her made him feel. 

There shouldn’t be any conflict over having sex with the man she was going to marry and knowing her ex was thinking how happy he’d been talking with her. 

There shouldn’t be.

But there is.

If she were to speak to Maz she’d tell her that negative emotions are your road map telling you to change the direction of your life. Rey snorts lightly at her reflection in the mirror. All her emotions aren’t talking to her; they’re screaming at her that she shouldn’t play with this. She needs to shut it down. Make sure that Ben is clear that there can be nothing more than friendship between them. She’s not a coward. She’ll tell him straight when he calls. 

If, he calls. He might not. 

Rey’s mind is made up. The boundaries need to be clear. No sneaking about on Ben’s Facebook and nothing but platonic friendship between them. She’ll be able to have her best friend back if she can stick to these rules. She’s sure of it.

~*~

“So how was it?” Rose asks. Rey been wandering around campus scoping it out as she fills Rose in on her first day. The campus is full of well-manicured lawns and many white bricked stately looking buildings. There’s an elegance to the campus that Rey had enjoyed when she first visited to apply. It’s exactly where she wants to complete her doctorate, it feels right. It has a grown-up feel to it. There’s a gallery for the art students to display their work along-side established artists and a library with a cute little coffee shop attached on the side. Rey, feeling the need for caffeine, heads that way.

“Good. My advisor Dr Yoda seems like he’s going to be reasonable and approachable. He’s keen to see some of my preliminary research into early years intervention with autistic children and art therapy. He’s got some contacts in education, that if I can get a research question pulled together, I might be able to do some group intervention with young kids to help round out my thesis.”

“Rey that’s amazing. I didn’t think you’d be doing anything like that for a couple of months.” Rose enthuses.

“Neither did I but Yoda seems to be a really practical guy.” Rey grins into the phone.

“Gotta go, only had a couple of minutes break but I just wanted to check in.”

“Appreciate it. Hey what are you guys doing Friday? Fancy catching up properly, the four of us?”

“Sounds good. Message you later. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Rey can’t help but smile as she presses the end call button. She’s about to tuck her phone away when it buzzes in her hand. Turning the phone so that the screen faces her and there it is. The message from Ben she’s been waiting on. She quickly taps on it to read it.

_Ben: Hope your first day went well. Would you be free to get a coffee sometime this week? Ben_

Rey stupidly looks up at the coffee shop in front of her as if she expects Ben to be standing there. Rey’s been waiting on this message all day no matter what she’s been telling herself. But now that it’s here, should she tell him that no; she’s too busy? It’d be safer. But then she scoffs at that line of thinking. If her relationship with Poe can’t withstand her having a friendship with an ex than it really isn’t very robust and she’s confident that they are plenty strong enough to allow for her and Ben’s friendship.

 _Rey: It went great thanks. Coffee sounds good. My schedule is a bit all over the place, probably easier if you tell me when you’re free_.

She taps out the reply quickly and pushes her phone into her pocket.

Rey’s only gone a couple more steps when she feels another buzz against her hip.

_Ben: Usually, 10-1 is free for me. I train at Stanford so I’m only half an hour away if you’re on campus_

_Rey: Really? How do you manage to get that much time off?!_

_Ben: 6.30 swim calls, 9-10 in the gym and back in the pool/gym at 1.30 til 5 and repeat day in day out._

_Rey: Tough. I think a Wednesday I’ve a study period and lunch break that’d work. But do you want to come all the way over here?_

_Ben: Yeah, breaks up the routine_

_Rey: Ok, I get that. There’s a coffeeshop ‘The Cantina’ next to the library, meet me there say 11?_

_Ben: Great see you then_

Rey stares at the phone. Has she got a date with Ben? No, a catch up, not a date. She shakes her head, it’s just coffee. Two friends meeting to talk over coffee. Nothing more.

~*~

Wednesday. Ok, Wednesday should come round fast enough. Ben silences his phone and throws it into the bottom of his gym bag and pulls out his water bottle already filled with an electrolyte replenishing drink and Airpods. He’s just finished sprints in the pool so doesn’t need more than a few stretches before heading out to the running track. Ben’s stretching out his hamstrings when Snoke walks in. The coach observes Ben’s pre run warm up with a critical look on his face but stays silent until Ben, ignoring the man and his moods, starts to slip his Airpods in.

“Solo, timings on those sprints are good but not great.”

There it is. A bald statement. Ben stops and turns.

“What more do we need to add?” he asks.

Snoke shrugs as if there really isn’t much more he can do for Ben. Ben knows he’s nothing more than a disappointment to Snoke. Every medal, every title, every world record he gains; it all falls short in Snoke’s eyes. Often it feels like he is trying to fill a pit with accolades just to get Snoke to look at him with admiration. It hasn’t happened yet and Ben’s beginning to doubt it ever will.

Snoke leans against a locker. He looks as if he is considering all the options hard, but Ben knows what’s coming.

“I think it might be time to adjust your vitamin regime, maybe boost the number of injections we’re doing. It’s all we’ve got Solo, I can see you’re working but, you need something. Something more to give you the edge.” Snoke watches Ben with dead eyes, waiting on his reaction. Snoke is always watching. Ben wouldn’t be surprised if he could already tell that Ben had been in touch with Rey given the improvement in his mood today. 

“With all due respect sir, I feel the benefits of adjusting the regime would be slight.”

Snoke kicks the wooden bench running down the middle of the changing room so hard that a corner gouges a dent in one of the locker doors. Ben doesn’t flinch. To Snoke, emotion is his version of blood in the water.

“Tell me again, by how much did your grandfather beat Kenobi in the ‘76 Olympics 100m butterfly? Hmm?” Snoke begins to pace the confined space. “I can’t remember Solo, refresh my memory for me. Was by a huge margin? Hmm?”

“A hundredth of a second.” Ben mutters.

“A hundredth of a second? Oh, so by something so slight that it wouldn’t have even registered on previous Olympic timing systems. Tell me, why would we dismiss _anything_ that gives us a slight advantage? Any advantage means the difference between winning and being another has been.” Snoke stops pacing in front of Ben. The lines of his face taut with barely constrained contempt and those flat cold eyes challenging Ben to disagree with him. Ben casts about for a reason.

“Luke feels-”

“Is Luke fucking Skywalker, your coach?” he roars.

“No. But he-”

“He’s a nothing. A two-bit local coach with no idea of the stakes we are considering here.” Snoke makes a dismissive face and continues “Yes, he’s taken one or two juniors through to nationals, but he knows nothing about elite coaching and if you want to listen to him, go ahead but you will fail. Make no mistake Solo, you will fail.” Snoke’s index finger jabs into Ben’s chest before he strides out of the changing room.

Ben straightens the bench before sitting on it sighing. Such outbursts are nothing new with Snoke. When he first witnessed these flashes of rage, it unnerved him but now they drain him. 

Ben doesn’t know where he was going with refusing the increased vitamin regime, but Luke’s words have kept echoing in his head this last year. “ _Too fast, Ben. No one gets that good, that fast. Do you know exactly what is in those injections Ben? No? Well maybe you should find out.”_

But he hadn’t found it. 

He doesn’t want to know. Couldn’t bear it if everything had been built on lies. 

At least he can control this. Snoke can throw as many tantrums as he likes but Ben isn’t taking any more injections than he’s currently taking. Since Luke’s outburst, everything Ben has won was tainted with the bitter aftertaste of _“What if? What if Luke was right and somehow he’s being administered EPO without his knowledge?”_

But if he was, then the levels must be slight. They must be so low that there hasn’t ever been a question over any blood work he’s submitted before any competition.

No, he refuses to think that way. There’s never been any red flags over his blood work because he isn’t a cheat. There isn’t any EPO in his system. It isn’t how he wants to establish his legacy. But there is that insidious doubt he feels in the pit of his stomach that he can’t ever be certain that Snoke isn’t above employing everything that he has to his advantage. Ben gets to his feet and shakes out his limbs and debates warming up again, but dismisses it, just as he has been dismissing his fears over his coach’s integrity for the last year. He pushes the Airpods into his ears and sets off to run hard. 

~*~

The smell of warm yeasty smell of freshly baked bread rolls cut through with the dark bitter scent of roasting coffee greets Ben as he enters the little coffee shop. It has a small L shaped seating area and he moves further into the shop to scan the seats tucked around the corner to see if Rey was there yet. Finding only a few students dotted about the place working on laptops and a couple of girls engaged in conversation on the couches at the back, he heads to the counter and orders his coffee and a Danish before panicking about whether he should pick up a coffee for Rey. He could easily but what if she’s running late and he’s handing over a lukewarm drink that she then feels she has to drink it and she hates it and she doesn’t want to meet up again and … and he’s spiralling.

He nods his thanks to the barista and picks up his order and heads to a table that’s in the corner between the window and the back wall. It’s a good spot, he can see the door and out over the green in front of the Cantina. As Ben checks his watch, it’s only a few minutes after eleven, movement outside catches his eye and he sees Rey walking across the grass. Every so often she seems to do a cute little skipping step as if she wants to break into a run but is containing herself. She looks like any other student, skinny jeans, wide necked pale blue t-shirt and the obligatory oversized shoulder bag no doubt stuffed with books and note pads. Ben has no idea about fashion, but he can see that the t-shirt skims and shows her slim figure off and she’s wearing little flat shoes rather than her usual sneakers. There’s something put together about her outfit, the slim gold chain, the distressed looking brown leather belt that matches the leather of the bag that makes Ben think maybe, just maybe, she’s made an effort for meeting him. 

Or he’s kidding himself and Rey just looks gorgeous in whatever she wears because if he’s honest with himself, Rey could wear a sack and he’d still find her attractive. 

Ben looks down at the flaky pastry of his Danish and shakes his head slightly. He’d promised himself he’d be casual. He doesn’t want to come on too strong and freak her out. They’d agreed to be friends and God, it feels like the tiniest of fingerholds, a ledge of bare millimetres, but he’s going to grip it and try and get onto a more secure footing if it kills him. 

Does he have a plan? 

No, he knows now that he doesn’t like his life without Rey in it, and if he has to be friend zoned for a while then so be it. 

The door opens and Rey scans the room, face lighting up in a beautiful genuine smile when she sees him. Ben’s not sure if even his Mom is ever that happy to see him.

“Hey, I’m not late, am I?” Rey’s glancing at her watch as she approaches him. She looks up at him as he stands.

“No, I’m early. I was going to get you a drink, but I didn’t want to let it get cold.” He gestures toward the counter “What will you have?”

“um, latte please.” She slips the bag off her shoulder and hooks it on the back of her chair.

“Anything else?”

“No, I’m good.” Rey tucks herself into the seat opposite Ben’s as he approaches the counter again. As he waits on her order, he watches her fidget with her necklace. Rey jumps slightly as he places the latte in front of her but gives him another grin.

“Thanks.”

The both sip from their drinks and Rey’s eyes land on everything that isn’t him. 

“You seem a bit nervous.” He states.

Rey shakes her head “No, no – well a bit.” She shrugs one shoulder. “Not really sure how to begin, you know?” she takes another sip of the latte.

“How about, we forget the last five years even happened and I give you half of my Danish.” Rey opens her mouth. “Don’t bother Rey, not once in all the time I’ve known you have you resisted eating off my plate.” Ben regrets saying the words as soon as they are out of his mouth, they’re too familiar and Rey is flushing red. “Have some, please. My nutritionist will have a fit when she finds out I’m pretty much eating straight sugar.” He cuts the Danish and pushes the plate nearer to her.

“Well, if it’s helping you out.” She says before swooping up her half and taking a large bite. The diamond on her hand flashes with the movement. Ben looks at the rock that he feels shouldn’t be there. “Oh my God, that’s good.” Rey’s tongue darts out and licks at a flaky bit of pastry that had stuck to her bottom lip. “Mmmh.”

That moan. Her tongue. They’re the reasons Ben’s dick has definitely forgotten the last five years and is starting to express an interest in what‘s going on now. He shifts slightly and gives her a smile.

“Now I know what to order for you, next time.” And there will be a next time Rey, he thinks.

“You're confident. Who knows if there will be a next time?” Rey says between bites.

He looks out across the campus, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t see why there won’t be. We were good together Rey. We could talk for hours, made each other laugh. The only reason we’ve not been talking to each other is because I messed up. Badly.” Rey’s face is carefully blank and she’s looking at the last piece of pastry she’s twirling slowly round in between her thumb and forefinger rather than at him. “I thought after Sunday…well, you seem to have forgiven me, so I think between your forgiveness and my awareness of what an ass I was, I think there’s room for us again.” Rey smiles at the pastry before looking at him.

“Friends. We can definitely be friends again.” She looks hopeful and Ben nods his agreement. It’s too soon to let her know that the last thing he wants to be is Rey Kanata’s friend. Ben looks at this woman siting across from him smiling nervously and playing with a small butterfly pendant on her necklace and he can see it. He can see him getting her back. 

Ben recognises the same drive that pushes him to get up early and swim punishing lengths, that makes him do one more repetition on the weights rack, that lets him put up with Snoke’s shit is coming to the fore again. It’s a single-minded focus that’s served him so well in the past. Ben didn’t make himself an elite athlete by sitting back and letting things drift. No, Ben knows all about putting in the hard work and this won’t even seem hard, not in comparison. Ben has set his sights firmly on getting Rey back whether she knows it or not.


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay but real life kicked my ass this last we while. Hope everyone is staying safe and thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has read, kudosed and commented on my daft story.

In the end, Poe and Finn had another assignment up state that meant they’d be late for the dinner date Rey had set up with Rose. The girls head out early for drinks and a catch up before their partners got there.

“So, tell me everything.” Rose slides into the booth beside Rey, leans in for a quick hug, before leaning back to admire her friend. “That top looks amazing, by the way.” The turquoise silk kimono top had been Rose’s birthday present to Rey. Rey secretly felt it commanded too much attention with its vibrant hue and how it draped in a sexy way against her body but tonight she had worn it as she felt she deserved to own looking good.

“Thanks, the person who bought it has good taste and looks pretty fine herself.” Rey said with a smile.

“Duh, the buyer has exceptional taste. And yes, this dress begged me to buy it.” Rose looks down at the red skater dress with an asymmetric neckline. “Finn’s not seen it yet and he’s going to want to -”

Rey throws up her hand. “Too much information Tico.” Rose lets out a hearty peal of laughter at Rey’s scrunched up face.

“Fine, I’ll keep that to myself but, come on, tell me about your first week as a Doctor.”

“Everyone’s really friendly and yeah, I’m going to be studying a lot.” Rey picks up her menu to scan it. “Lots of orientations, meeting professors, scoping out my thesis question.” Rey shrugs in a ‘you know’ kind of way. She knows she can get a bit carried away about art therapy so tries to down play it so as not to bore folks but Rose looks at her over the menu encouraging her to go on and it’s the green light Rey’s waiting on. “Alright, so we all have to undertake counselling as part of experiencing and understanding a psychodynamic therapeutic relationship better and Dr Yoda is my counsellor.” Rey’s smile drops as she looks at Rose.

“But you’ve done therapy before, what with your shitty childhood and Maz and Chewie insisting you do it.” Rose frowns at the thought of talking to a counsellor being deemed exciting.

“It’s different. This time there’s less of a power imbalance and I’m going to get a much clearer idea of what it takes to build a trusting relationship that makes the client want to open up.”

“But don’t you do your counselling through the art?”

“Yes, but the counselling is more for me as I will be taking on every one of my client’s emotional weight and no one can lift that load alone, see?” 

“Ok, so let me get this straight, you’ll be doing art with kids, helping them work through their issues and then go talk to someone else to help you hold your shit together as you help them sort their shit out?” Rose says as she makes eye contact with the waitress, on acknowledgement she turns back to Rey. “Yeah, I understood the art degree so much more.”

Once the waitress has taken their order, Rey starts to fidget with the bracelet on her right wrist.

“You ok?” Rose asks.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah – actually I need to tell you something.”

Rose swivels on the leather seat so that she’s fully facing Rey. “What?” eyes gleaming at the prospect of gossip.

“You know how I stayed with Maz and Chewie at the weekend?”

“Uh-hu.”

“I ended up round at the Solo’s on Sunday for brunch and Ben was there.”

“Oh. How was it?” Rose’s excitement fades, Ben Solo isn’t news. She picks up her menu again.

“Good, we talked properly for once and exchanged numbers.”

“Oh?” Rose manages to make a single syllable sound wary and Rey now has her full attention again, menu discarded.

“Yeah, and we met up for coffee during the week and -” Rose folds her arms across her chest. “It was nice.” Rey finishes weakly.

“Why?”

“Why was it nice?” Rey asks.

“No, why would you go for coffee with him after what he’s done?” Rose’s nostrils flare slightly.

Rey defends her decision to meet up with Ben with a petulant “I wanted to, alright?”

Rose shakes her head. “Rey, Ben Solo gutted you and left you bleeding on the floor.” Rey rolls her eyes at Rose’s hyperbole. “Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t pretend he didn’t hurt you.”

Rose has always been fiercely defensive of her and she’s underestimated the magnitude of her friend’s protective streak. “I’m not pretending he didn’t hurt me, just, time’s gone on and things are different now.”

“How? Tell me how it’s different?” Rose’s voice is hard.

“We’re not in a relationship for one thing and we’re going to give being friends a go.”

Rose huffs out a harsh dismissive laugh and shakes her head.

“If you’ve something to say, Rose, I’d appreciate it if you’d say it before Finn and Poe get here.” Rey sounds cold but she’s not backing down on this.

“Rey, do you hear yourself? _‘Trying to be friends_ ’, you two can’t be friends. What’s Poe saying about all this?”

“It’s not up to Poe to make a decision about who I’m friends with and who I’m not, besides, he knows we exchanged numbers.” Rey stares at the menu avoiding Rose.

“Yes, but does he know that you’ve already met up?”

“No, but it’s not a big deal.” Rey shoves the menu away from her. “Poe has loads of friends he meets up with that I don’t see with him.”

“But Rey, you loved Ben. He was your first, first everything.” Rose gestures in Rey’s direction as if a flick of her hand can encompass all of Rey and Ben’s emotional and physical journey. “Honestly, this is only going to end in a lot of pain for someone.”

“You think Ben is going to hurt me?” Rey feels small and stupid asking, but she wants to know what Rose thinks. Rey has trusted Rose with every important decision in her lift since they were teenagers. Hours spent picking problems apart, mapping out how best to handle situations as they drank cokes, flicking through magazines and gossiping about school and boys. Rey doesn’t think Ben’ll hurt her but, then again, she never thought he would the first time so Rose’s opinion on this is kind of crucial.

“Yes. No. I don’t know, but I do think you should leave well enough alone and stay as far away from him as possible” Rose exhales through her nose. “Rey, you’re happy. I can see how happy you are with Poe. Don’t fuck that up for some twisted memory of something you never really had with Ben.”

“Ben and I were real, Rose.”

“Respectfully, Rey, that’s bullshit because if what you had was real, he’d never have let you go.”

Rey drops her eyes to the bracelet, picking it up, she runs the gold chain through her fingers, twisting it round and round her wrist. There’s a pressure behind her eyes that she blinks against.

“Come here.” Rose gathers Rey into her arms. “I don’t wanna fight with you Rey.”

Rey sniffs a bit and hugs Rose back “Me neither.”

“Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t, I’d just really like a bit of Ben back. I guess that doesn’t make much sense to you.” Rose breaks the hug and nods in a ‘You bet your ass I don’t get it way.’ But then spots Finn and Poe entering through the door laughing together.

Rose squeezes Rey’s hand. “Promise me you won’t forget how important Poe is to you though.” Both girls look at their partners as they approach.

“I won’t, Rose, you know I won’t.” Rey promises.

~*~

It’s after midnight; Poe’s in bed, a long day and too much tequila gets the blame but Rey’s not ready to turn in yet. Pulling up her Netflix queue, she settles on an episode of ‘Love is Blind’ watching it with subtitles on so as not to disturb her sleeping fiancé. At the contestant’s declarations of ‘soulmates’ and ‘true love’ for people they have just met, she snorts through her nose and shakes her head. It’s car crash tv and there’s no way she won’t be watching every minute of it but how can these people believe that what they have from a few minutes chatting is the real thing? True, committed love.

Rey can almost hear Rose’s voice in her head, “ _Respectfully, Rey, that’s bullshit because if what you had was real, he’d never have let you go.”._ God, that hurt. More than she really wanted to admit. Rey had always thought they were soulmates blah blah blah but now she wonders if she was young, hormonal, and as stupid as the contestants on Love is Blind. She grabs her phone ready for another excellent decision from Rey Kanata when she’s hopped up on tequila and beer. Text the ex and quiz them over your past relationship.

Rey: _Hey Ben, was our relationship real?_

There, now she’ll get a definitive answer, only it’s nearly one and there’s no way Ben will be up.

Except he obviously is. The answer comes through quickly.

Ben: _Real as in did we really go out with each other and it wasn’t both of us just imagining we did?_

Rey: _No, I know we went out. I’m not daft. But was it real?_

Ben: _I’m not sure I follow, yes, we went out and unless you have severe retrograde amnesia, you know this._

Rey: _You’re deliberately not understanding!_

Ben: _Explain it better then._

Rey: _Rose says, if what we had as a couple was real, you wouldn’t have let me go._

Rey watches as the blue dots bounce on her screen and then stop. They start again only to fade away.

Rey: _Sorry that’s a really stupid question that doesn’t matter now anyway. We’re friends. Buddies. Pals. Night_

The blue dots dance off and on for minutes. Eventually Rey gives up and goes to get ready for bed. It’s not until she’s shutting down the TV for the night that she sees a flashing light indicating a reply on her phone.

Ben: _I regret lots of things Rey, but I’ll never regret having this chance to be your friend again._

Rey reads his answer several times think ‘ _that so doesn’t answer my question._ ’ But then she realises with startling clarity that it is. It’s as polite an answer as he can give her without hurting her. Ben regrets dating her and God, that still has the power to wound her even now but… but he’s glad to be her friend. She nods to herself. It’s right, it’s how it should be she tells herself as she crawls under the comforter beside Poe.

~*~

That first semester slips away from her; August bleeding into September before quickly morphing into October. The air is cooler, but still pleasant during the day that only a layer or two is needed to keep warm. Rey’s never genuinely appreciated how nice a fine knit jumper can look on a man with well-defined arms and shoulders until she’s sitting across from Ben one Wednesday lunch time just before November officially starts in two days. 

They’ve kept to an almost weekly schedule of coffee and a chat and sometimes longer talks with lunches thrown in. Ben travels more than Rey ever remembers him travelling but he says it’s due in part to qualifying for more international championships now than he did back when they were first dating. Ben hasn’t let more than ten days go by without seeing Rey since they reconnected and though she knows she should let Poe know how often they are meeting up, there’s something inside Rey that wants to hoard Ben all to herself. Poe knows they meet but if he was asked, he’d guess they meet up about once a month, if that. It doesn’t sit well with her this omission, but she feels it isn’t worth the hassle of trying to explain why they meet up so often. 

“Come on, you can’t just drop it on me that you’ve been nominated for one of the Sports Illustrated sportsperson of the year awards.” Rey exclaims. She hears the rattle of her cup as she places it in the saucer. Ben smirks at her obvious shock.

“It’s not the sportsperson of the year award, just the inspirational category.”

“Oh, so a piece of crap then.” He raises an eyebrow at her and sips at his coffee. “Beeeeen, this is amazing. You do know this is amazing, right?” Rey can’t believe how calm he looks, sitting there and sipping his drink. Even Rey has heard of the Sports Illustrated sportsperson of the year, admittedly she didn’t realise there were other categories but still, this is a big deal and he’s treating it like it’s nothing.

“I won’t win.” He says dismissively.

“How do you know? You wouldn’t have been nominated if there wasn’t a chance.”

He shrugs and plays with the handle of his cup. “I don’t feel I deserve it, yet.” He looks at her and she can see his sincerity. Ben, she guesses, thinks all the training and hard work and winning everything in the pool you can win is just what he does. She’s a little gobsmacked at his lack of insight.

“Ben, you do know you are exceptional, right?” she’s trying to catch his eyes but he’s looking away and shrugging. The tips of his ears turning pink.

He ruffles his hair. “No, I’m not. I love what I do, and I want to be the best, but I didn’t really think of anything else that might come along with it.” And he gives her a bashful smile but then looks at her as if he’s not sure if he should continue or not. His dark eyes serious. “This inspiration award, it’s because of an inner-city swimming campaign I’ve been involved with for several years and really, I wouldn’t make as much time for it if it wasn’t for you.” He gives a little nod as if he’s happy he’s told her.

Rey starts, there’s a pressure in her chest that feels like it’s going to crack her ribs apart. Ben puts down his cup and reaches over the table and lays his hand over the top of hers. The weight and warmth of it is grounding. “Ben, I didn’t – I knew you – I knew about the campaign, I’ve seen the ads but I never -”

“It’s because of you Rey.” His thumb is stroking the inside of her wrist, a trail of sweet sensation on her skin. “I never thought I’d be in the position to help, the way I ended up helping you and I guess it’s daft but I just think, maybe there’s another you out there somewhere, just waiting for someone to notice, to ask why they have too many bruises or seem too thin.” He shrugs. “Like I say, it’s stupid.”

Rey pulls her hand out from under his and he watches her retreat from him, his eyes wary as if he’s said too much. Rey’s out of her seat and wrapping him in a hug that he’s having to stand up to receive. She knew this. Didn’t truly believe it when she read it in one of his messages. Hearing Ben talk about it? Guilt and gratitude swamp her in equal parts and she’s frightened the guilt will show on her face. She presses ever closer, her whole-body moulding into him and she’s holding him as tightly as she can. His arms slowly encircle her. This feeling, it’s too big for her to contain. 

“Thank you.” She buries her face deeper into his chest, breathing in the smell of him, expensive cologne but always shot through with a slight sharp undertone of chlorine from the pool. “Thank you.” Ben’s stroking her hair, calming her, caring for her, the way he always has. Safe. “I’m sure I’ve said thanks before, but it never feels like I say it enough.” Ben rests his cheek against the top of her head.

“You don’t ever have to say it. It’s the one thing I’m proud of Rey. The one thing I feel I did right.” Rey’s not sure but it feels as if his lips are ghosting across her hair. At the sensation, she shivers slightly. Ben releases her. They’re both there together but a few inches apart, look at each other before a nervous laughter bubbles through Rey and Ben gives her a smile but moves back into his seat. Rey, blushes and looks around the café but less people are looking at them than she would have thought.

Ben leans back in his chair and observes her. He rolls his lips inwards and then releases them and shifts in his seat.

“What?” Rey picks up on his suddenly awkward movements. Since they’ve been meeting up regularly all awkwardness had melted away, until now. Ben stops fidgeting and taps his bottom lip with his index finger.

He waves his hand away before speaking. “It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.” Rey comments.

Ben leans forward onto his elbows “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to put you in a difficult position with your fiancé.” All traces of humour are gone from his face. Indeed, Rey has rarely seen Ben this serious.

“You know you can ask me anything unless you’re asking me to help bury the body of your horrible coach, Snoke.” Ben snorts and shakes his head. He doesn’t quite understand why Rey hates the man but does seem to find her vitriol amusing. “Actually, if it’s burying his corpse, it’s a maybe, depending on your plan.”

He quirks one side of his mouth up. “Depending on my plan? Only under the cover of night, eh?”

“Yeah, no daylight grave digging for me.” She smiles at him.

“You’re in luck, I was only going to ask if you’d accompany me to the awards ceremony.” Despite having looked so serious before, Ben delivers his request as if he is asking her to nip to the nearest seven eleven to pick up some milk.

Rey’s mouth drops, after a beat she realises just how unattractive this particular look is and closes it.

“Why?” There’s an oily twisting sensation in her stomach; excitement, nerves or good old-fashioned fear? She’s not sure.

“Why would I want to go with you?” Ben’s eyebrows shoot up. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re one of my best friends and I don’t want to go alone. These things, you don’t really know anyone and if you win, yeah, folks talk to you but if you don’t, you’re really just hanging around on your own until it’s time to leave. It’s not like I’ve been nominated as part of my swim team and well, you’re good company.” He smiles “Sometimes.” Rey swats him. “I totally get it if your fiancé wouldn’t be happy with it.” Ben parts his hands in an expansive gesture.

Rey scoffs. “Ben, there’s nothing wrong with me going with you as a friend, Poe will be fine with it, I’m sure.” Probably, if she explains it right. “So where is it and when?”

“Beverley Hills Hilton. The actual awards are on a Tuesday. Tuesday the 11th of December, can you swing it with the university?”

Rey wrinkles her nose thinking. She’s due a viva on her thesis with Dr Yoda about then but she’s sure the elderly gentleman will be fine with her setting it for a day that’ll let her go with Ben.

“Should be fine. So how are we getting there? Flying?” Now that she thinks she can make it her excitement is ratcheting up. The thought of going to a fancy gala is quite thrilling. It’s so not the type of life Rey leads. The fanciest occasion Rey has been at recently was the Solo’s anniversary party and as well-heeled as it was, it would be nothing compared to a media sponsored Gala.

“Ah, that’s the thing, it takes as long to fly as it does to drive.” Ben looks at her steadily. “Five and a half hours roughly.”

“Oh, right so it’ll be an overnight thing?” Rey’s voice drops a little. She’s actually not sure she will be able to sell this to Poe, but Ben looks so pleased that she’d agreed that she doesn’t want to let him down.

“Yes, but don’t worry, you’ll have your own room and everything.” His eyes crinkle in a genuine delight. “I’ll let my team know and they’ll get the rooms booked and you’ll need to give me a full-length photo and your measurements -”

“Why? And what team?” Ben looks confused at her horrified outcry.

“The stylist from my publicity team will need to get you an outfit.” He explains as if she’s a bit slow.

“Can’t I just wear something I have already?” she doesn’t want some unknown person dressing her like a doll. What if she hates whatever they pick out?

“Rey, this isn’t a low-key event, it’s televised, you’ll need to wear something, I don’t know, formal, I guess?” He slides a hand over his mouth as if it can hide how wide he is grinning before continuing. “I’m asking you with plenty of time so that you can email, send photos of things you like, and the stylist can pick something out for you that you’ll look amazing in. I promise Mara is very good at her job.” At her stunned face he adds. “Well she’s very good at styling me, but I’m sure she knows how to dress girls too.”

Rey lets out a peal of laughter. “Oh, please Ben, can we go in matching tuxes?” she’s too busy laughing at this image that she doesn’t see Ben’s Adams apple bob slightly as he swallows.

“Just you make sure your Uni course and your fiancé are ok with everything and I’ll get the rest sorted.”

“Right you are, Sir.” And she gives him a cheeky salute which Ben only smirks at.

~*~

How do you tell your fiancé that you are going to be spending a night at a fancy televised awards ceremony with your ex-boyfriend and that you’ll be staying overnight at a hotel with him, in a way that won’t piss said fiancé off? Rey had thought maybe heading out for some dinner and drinks, get him softened up and then casually let the information drop in his ear when he’s so chilled out and happy that he’ll say ‘Go, enjoy yourself. Tell me all about it when you get back.’ would work. 

As Poe’s fork clatters on his plate, he stops chewing on a mouthful of food and fixes her with a blank stare; she’s beginning to think that idea hadn’t been the way to go.

“What the fuck, Rey?” he manages to get out after swallowing the lump of half masticated food down.

“What do you mean, ‘ _What the fuck?_ ’ I told you Ben has invited me to accompany him to an awards ceremony and I said yes.” Poe is still staring at her, blinking occasionally. “It’s not anything special.” The lie feels grainy on her tongue.

“Which ceremony?” he asks in a quiet voice.

Caught. “Um, the Sport Illustrated one.” Rey watches Poe’s face. He morphs from looking dazed to absolutely crestfallen.

“Sports Illustrated? As in the Sports Illustrated Sportsperson of the year award?” Rey can feel her shoulders hunching in on her trying to make herself smaller in the face of his growing awareness that this is kind of a big deal ceremony and she lied about it. “Are you telling me, you are going to the most prestigious sporting award ceremony, on the arm of another man?” Poe throws his crumpled napkin on his plate. “Rey – I – I don’t want to sound like an ass but no – just no.”

“No?” ok this hadn’t been going well per say, but she hadn’t expected Poe to try to refuse to allow her to go. “What do you mean no? Poe, I shouldn’t have to remind you, but you are my fiancé, not my keeper.” She snaps.

“Of course I’m not your keeper, but I don’t think you understand the implications. If he wins whatever he’s been nominated for, the camera will cut to your seats and everyone, everyone we know will see you there as Ben Solo’s date. How am I supposed to explain that to people?”

It’s the wrong thing to say and Poe looks as if he wants to bite his tongue off. Ray’s arms are folded tight across her chest and her eyes are flashing.

“I’m not really sure why you would have to explain anything but if you had to, I expect you to say that your fiancée, whom you trust, was accompanying a friend to an event. It’s not really a difficult concept, platonic friendship or at least I don’t think it is.” She says icily, picking up her bag and jacket and making to leave.

Poe reaches out and stops her by catching her wrist. “Rey, stop. It’s not what I meant.” She tugs her arm out of his grasp. “Will you just sit down? Please?” she huffs but nods. Rey folds her arms again and leans as far back in her seat as she can, waiting for him to explain but he just looks around helplessly.

“What did you mean?” her speech is almost staccato in her anger.

“I – uh- it was a shock. I mean you going to something like that, with him? I dunno, it scared me.” Poe looks a little lost and Rey’s anger drains away, her posture relaxing. “Rey, the guy’s a millionaire, fit as fuck,” Rey snorts, “Yes even I can admit that and I dunno, I just got scared that if you went with him…” Poe swallows hard and continues. “I’m jealous. Jealous that he can give you an experience like that and I can’t.” Poe shrugs to try and minimise his confession.

“Poe.” Rey leans forward to crowd him but he refuses to catch her eye. “It’s not like that. It’s not.” He snorts dismissively and it’s clear he’s already decided that it is, very much like that. “Ben says these things are awkward as you’re there on your own and that half the time he’s just clock watching so that he can leave. He asked me so that the whole thing doesn’t suck too much.” Despite admitting his jealousy, Poe is now desperately clinging to a façade of nonchalance. “Poe, I love you. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing. I promise. I’ll be away for two days, dress up a bit, maybe blag some free champagne and a nice meal and then back to you the next day.”

“ **The next day?** ” he exclaims but at the eyebrow that Rey cocks at him he backtracks. “The next day? It’s an overnight?”

“Yes, and I don’t think I need to point out to you that it will be totally fine.” Poe’s look is sceptical but Rey is not going to be persuaded otherwise. She’s going to be a good friend and support Ben and then come home and be a great fiancée to Poe. There’s really nothing for him to get worked up about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gala and hotel shenanigans next chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please by aware that there is discussion on the USA gymnastic sex scandal, no graphic details are mentioned.  
> Songs and lyrics mentioned are from 'The Air That I Breathe' by The Hollies and 'Can't take my eyes off of you' by Andy Williams.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter as it really didn't want to be written, I think this might be re-write number five!

“Rom-com or weepy?” Rose holds up the remote.

“Either as long as you’ve got cheese and chilli popcorn.” Rey leans her head against her friend’s shoulder. 

Rose swats her in the face with a cushion. “Popcorn’s ready, you know where the grater is.” Rey pouts and hauls herself off of the sofa.

“You want sweet?” she asks as she rummages through Rose and Finn’s kitchen cupboards for the bottle of syrup.

“Uh-huh. I’m putting on Clueless.”

“Good choice.” Rey shouts through to the living room as she splits the warm popcorn between two bowls and drizzles syrup on Rose’s before making up her own. She hands Rose her portion before slumping down beside her. “God, I’m so tired Rosie.”

“Placement?” Rey nods. “Kids kicking your ass?” Rose smiles and clicks play. 

“That and the fact that Poe is determined to keep me up all night since I told him about the Gala.”

Rose arches a beautifully maintained brow at Rey.

Rey rolls her face into her friend’s shoulder and mutters “I’m over used Rosie.”

“Go Poe!” Roses face splits into a grin.

“I wish he would go.” Rose bursts out laughing. “Joking, but non-stop sex everywhere is totally draining.” Rey throws a handful of popcorn in her mouth and watches as Cher and Dionne catwalk into school.

“Not really a complaint, Rey.” Rose shakes her head.

“I know but I’m tired.” She whines.

Rose snorts. “And how old is your vagina, seventy-two?”

“It’s a very healthy twenty-five but it’s as shattered as the rest of me.” Rey slides her bowl onto the coffee table and puts her head in her hands and lets her hair fall around her face. “Hot sex all the time is great, but I kinda wish I didn’t feel like Poe’s trying to prove something.”

“Poe _is_ proving something.” Rose rubs Rey’s back. “Since he knows you’re going away with Ben, all the sexing is his equivalent of a dog pissing on its favourite tree. And in case you weren’t following, you’re the pissed-on tree.” Rose gives her a look and tosses more popcorn in her mouth.

“Ew. Thanks for the explanation.” She lets out a weary sigh. “Just let me sleep on your couch and prod me awake when Paul Rudd’s on screen.”

“Will do.” Rose agrees as she pulls a cushion on her lap to let Rey lay her head on it. Rey drifts off to a 90’s soundtrack in the background and the warmth and comfort of having her best friend near.

~*~

_Ben: I need your measurements and a full body photo._

_Rey: Pervert_

_Ben: ?!_

_Ben: It’s not for me, it’s for Mara._

_Rey: What, the Mara that called last Friday and gave me her email address so I could forward said items to her?_

_Ben: Great that’s another thing done then._

_Rey: It was all very clinical, close up of my face, no makeup, hair back, full length in underwear so that she can pick out the right kind of styles. You’re welcome by the way. I saved your retinas from being burned beyond repair at such a sight._

Ben almost chokes on his own spit at the thought of what that email must contain. He briefly entertains contacting Mara to see if she’ll forward it to him but knows that’s a creepy thing to do. Besides, he can’t think of a single viable reason to give Mara as to why he would need it.

_Ben: Right. I got confirmation that the rooms are booked. Mara said she’s going to need four hours. We’ll need to leave about eight to definitely be in for three. Can you stay at Maz and Chewie’s Monday night and I’ll pick you up?_

_Rey: Yeah but why the hell does it take four hours to get ready?_

_Ben: trust me, it just does._

Ben shouldn’t feel smug knowing that for at least two nights Rey won’t be snuggling up to her fiancé. It’s petty but necessary at the moment. When he’d started this, he’d erroneously thought being friend zoned would be ok but the more time he spends with Rey, the more he craves. 

Every time they meet, it feels more and more right and it hurts that bit more when they separated again. Adding to his torture is the way his brain is recording in high definition every bit of minutiae about her. The way her lips are quick to curve into a smile. How she’ll elaborate on a story about one of the kid’s she’s helping, the passion for her work shining through. The way she holds her cup. 

It’s pathetic really. 

Knowing that for a whole forty-eight hours she’ll be his? Well, that feels better than any race he’s ever won.

Ben slips under starchy hotel bedsheets. It’s half nine in Warsaw. Not late by anyone’s standards but he’s in three heats and barring any disasters, three finals tomorrow. Years of travelling has taught Ben that he can sleep soundly in any bed or any flat stable surface at a push. 

He adjusts the pillows and gets ready to go through his pre-race day evening routine. Closing his eyes he begins to mentally rehearse the races. He lives everything in his mind; the chanting of the crowd, the sound of the gun, the smell of chlorine, the heat of ambient air and the chill of the pool, the sensation of the water sluicing over his body, how he will slide into the first position at least fifteen meters out from the wall and the touch of rough tile under his fingertips as he claims gold. Again, and again, and again he rehearses. It’s a well-worn pattern, a groove that his mind funnels into and slides along, frictionless. Typically, he exhausts himself and falls asleep in this way the night before a race but not tonight. Sleep is elusive. 

Nothing has interfered with his meditations on tomorrow’s races, he’s been focussed in his preparations but now they’re complete, his brain feels empty except for her. 

Rey, the one he knows now, having grown more into who she is, overlaps with his memory of Rey as she was. In a way it’s like watching a 3-D film without the glasses. His concrete idea of her is blurred by new overlapping perspectives. Certain parts, the ones that have remained constant are in sharp focus, her sense of humour, compassion, and kindness. Those are all still the fundamental elements of her personality that he loves. Other aspects remain blurred, once known but now uncertain. Like her physicality. He can’t help but linger on these thoughts of her now. Thoughts of Rey in her underwear. Her face clear of make-up. God, he used to love seeing her without make up. It felt like he got to see the Rey that she hid from everyone else. A Rey that was just his.

Ben palms himself through his boxer briefs. 

It’s almost worse that Rey doesn’t just exist in the realm of fantasy for Ben. He has the memories of his hand skimming over smooth tanned skin. His lips bitten lightly by another’s teeth. Soft liquid heat enveloping him. He can’t quite remember her taste. But her smell, sometimes when they’re hugging hello or at the end of their catch ups, her scent overwhelms him, making it difficult to let her go. He slides his underwear down and grasps his cock, moving his hand in a way that will get him off quick. He needs a release and then sleep will come. 

Images fill his head, some from now, some half remembered. His breath quickens as his hand slides a rhythmical delicious friction along his hard length, as his other hand lightly cups his balls. He wishes that every time he’d loved Rey, he had committed it to memory. Every undulation of her body. The precise placement of a group of freckles on her shoulders. Even the small scars marking her back. 

All he has are imprecise memories because he hadn’t known that the last time _would be_ the last time. Snap shots of memories, sucking her nipples into hard peaks, sinking into her, and watching her face as she felt him moving in her. He urges his hand faster and he can feel his balls tightening. The way she’d looked at his parent’s party, the flow of her collar bones and the swell of her breasts above the tight bodice of her dress. He imagines peeling that dress from her body. Are her nipples the same shade of pale pink? Are her breasts the same as he remembers them? His thumb sweeps up more of the pre come leaking from his head and he strums his frenulum as he pulls a little on his balls. He’s gonna come soon; the pressure is getting too great. The Rey in his mind smiles as she sinks to her knees and he grunts at the image of his cock sliding in her mouth, her lips stretching tight around his girth. His body is flooded with warmth as he builds to that final tension. 

A few more strokes and he’s coming. 

Panting hard, his cock twitches as more come pulses over the hand loosening its grip on his shaft. For a moment he floats back to himself, settling into his warm heavy body. Lazily he wipes himself down with his underwear, tossing it on the floor and pulls the sheets over himself _._ Sleep is rushing in and his last conscious wish is that maybe soon it won’t be his fist and half-forgotten memories getting him off.

~*~

“When is Ben picking you up?” Maz asks as she puts her coffee cup in the dishwasher.

Around a mouthful of cereal Rey answers. “Twenty minutes.” She takes a gulp of her coffee.

“Running late?” Maz asks as she starts making toast for her harassed looking daughter. “Butter or jelly?”

“Apple jelly please Mom.” Rey chases the last couple of cinnamon crisps with her spoon. Last night had been tough, she’d had to get up at one point and creep downstairs to leave her phone in the living room. Being alone in her childhood bedroom the temptation to log into their old Facebook account seemed more tempting than it had been at any other time in seeing Ben. Lying in her bed the phone seemed to call to her but she’d gone this long, she could go another night without looking at it. It was late by the time she drifted off. 

Chewie had given her a wake-up call before heading out for his run but she’d drifted for a bit wasting precious preparation time. At least she was washed and dressed but it had been a choice between make up and eating.

Eating won. 

If she’s a spare five minutes, she’ll try and look a bit better, but she was kinda hoping to wear sunglasses the whole journey and then let the make-up artist deal with her eyebags at the hotel. Maz places her toast in front of her. 

“Are you looking forward to the gala?” Maz gives her one of those looks that seem to divine an answer before Rey even speaks and nods to herself.

Rey crunches a mouthful of toast. “Mmmhmm.” And pushes a stray bit of jelly on her lip into her mouth.

Maz smiles indulgently as she gathers up her handbag and keys. 

“I need to be heading into work but don’t bother locking up as your Dad probably doesn’t have keys and he won’t be out that much longer.” Maz pulls her much taller daughter across the breakfast bar so that she’s down low enough to let her kiss Rey on the top of her head. “You have fun. Be beautiful and dance all night.”

Rey smiles and straightens up. “Will do, Mom.” The toast is half-way to her mouth again when Maz stops on her way out of the kitchen.

“Don’t break anyone’s heart tonight.” Maz waits for Rey’s laughter to calm down before continuing. “I’m not just talking about Ben.” Rey’s smile drops from her lips as Maz nods to herself again. “Mmhmm that’s what I thought.”

“Mom?” Rey’s voice is quiet.

“Remember why you are there, and everything will be fine baby girl. Now gotta go.” Maz heads out to her car.

Rey looks at her breakfast. The coffee is cooling and the toast seems too dry or maybe her appetite has gone. ‘ _Remember why you are there’_ Rey can’t help but think the answer to that would change depending on who you asked. Rose would say it’s because she’s a masochist and can’t stay away from Ben. Poe would say it’s because she’s naïve and can’t see Ben’s machinations to manipulate her back into his arms. She’d say it’s because she’s a supportive friend and she knows it’s what Ben would say as well but how would Maz justify Rey being there? 

She abandons her breakfast and goes to brush her teeth and make some sort of an effort, even if it’s just some mascara and gloss.

They’ve been driving for a little over two hours when Rey has to insist on a quick stop for a pee. Ben is filling the car as she heads back to him. There’s a moment when he is going through the usual steps of paying at the pump and sliding his wallet into his back pocket afterwards that gives Rey such a rush of déjà vu, she stops. 

Right in the middle of the forecourt. 

Ben, sensing her, turns his head and grins over his shoulder. It’s the ease and familiarity of it all, as if they have been doing this for years, as if this is another mini adventure at the weekend. Off to see another part of the country for a few days, the two of them, making more memories to look back on and reminisce about. 

It’s right there. She can see it. 

She almost feels as if she’s already lived it and that this is another pearl on the string of her life with Ben. Unsettled, she inhales sharply and forces her feet to move toward him, with her eyes on the tarmac as she climbs back into her seat and tries to calm herself.

As Ben drives, Rey fiddles with the radio. Too much talking, too many ads, too rock, too techno. Nothing seems right until she clicks to one of the throwback stations and the songs are familiar and soothing; tracks Chewie and Maz sometimes play. Ben has been giving her a few side eye glances throughout her frantic channel hopping but doesn’t say anything as she relaxes back into her seat.

“That’s my Mom and Dad’s song.” Ben notes.

“Hmm?” Rey turns the volume up, she’s missed some of the lyrics but listens closely now.

_Making love with you  
Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired  
What more could I ask?  
There's nothing left to be desired  
Peace came upon me, and it leaves me weak  
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep_

“Oh my God Ben, they’re singing about sex and your parents _told you_ this was their song?” she’s blushing and slightly horrified that Han and Leia would be so frank with their son. Her blush seems to be catching as there’s a red stain on Ben’s cheeks.

“Hush. I think it’s the chorus that’s meaningful to them.”

She listens as the man’s voice soars and it is beautiful.

_Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe  
And to love you  
All I need is the air that I breathe  
Yes, to love you_

“When I couldn’t sleep, I’d come downstairs when I was little and catch them dancing to this in the living room. For no particular reason that I could see, they’d be there in the centre of the room, arms around each other, swaying and – it’s probably my memory playing tricks – but everything, the light, the look on their faces was so soft and warm. It sort of made me feel safe.” Ben isn’t looking at her, his eyes fixed on the road ahead. “You know my Mom and Dad, they love a good argument but ultimately they love each other more.” He glances round at her and a look of understanding passes between them in that fleeting moment. Rey had been fortunate enough to find herself in a home full of love too and even though she’d had to work hard in therapy to truly believe that she was good enough to be there, now she knows she belongs. That example of how two people could mean so much to each other and still welcome the rest of the world in to share in their good fortune. Well, it was how she wanted her life to be lived – with Poe. Poe was going to be that person for her.

“Maz and Chewie’s song is totally cheesy.” She tries to inject some levity into the conversation.

“You need to tell me what it is now.” Ben gives her an easy smile.

“Andy Williams ‘Can’t take my eyes off of you.’” She giggles at Ben’s confused face. “You know the ‘You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you.’ One. Big brass band section, totally over the top one.” She sees the moment he recognises the song and starts to laugh. “Exactly.”

“Suits them.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Ben flickers his eyes in her direction and it looks like he’s trying to hold back on something but then he quietly asks “What about you and Poe?”

“Hmm – I don’t really know.” Rey tilts her head and watches the road rushing past them. “There’s lots of songs that remind me of him, remind me of certain places and times but I don’t know that I have a song that’s about us.” She looks at Ben’s profile. “We’re looking for a wedding song but we keep coming up with cheesier and cheesier suggestions and ended up laughing and not picking anything.” Ben tilts his chin towards her stiffly “What? It’s hard. You have to try and find this song that none of your friends have used but is still ridiculously romantic. I’m thinking of blowing the whole thing off and just dancing to an instrumental piece of music.” Rey squirms a bit in her seat. Ben is silent but the judgment seems to be seeping out of his pores. She huffs and turns to look out the passenger window.

Ben calls her out on her sulking “What? I didn’t say anything!”

“You don’t have to. I can tell you think it’s pathetic.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You do, you’re all stern faced and judgey.”

Ben’s eyebrows raise in surprise “Stern faced and judgey? Projecting much? It’s not me getting married, it’s you.” His voice softens as he continues “I don’t care what your first dance is as long as you’re happy Rey.” He catches her eye for the tiny moment he can risk looking away from the road. “The only person who will remember your first dance is you – and Poe – that’s why it needs to be special to you. Come on hit me with a few of your suggestions and I’ll give you some ideas of songs that remind me of you.”

“You have a song that reminds you of me?” She swivels round in her seat and Ben has Rey’s full attention now. From his scowl, she can see he hadn’t meant to say that. “What is it?”

She’s ready for something witty but there’s also fear there that he’s going to say something like ‘Wicked Game’ by Chris Isaak _._ Rey doesn’t want to look at what she’s doing too closely, but even she knows that what she’s doing with him and Poe is selfish, trying to have Ben when she isn’t free to.

The air in his throat seems to click around nothing and then he’s clearing his throat. He adjusts his hands on the steering wheel and says, “Can’t think of anything at the moment.”

Rey’s weirdly disappointed but lets it go and they throw out more and more ludicrous first dance song suggestions as the drive continues.

~*~

Mara is a tall auburn-haired woman who could have been a drill sergeant in a previous life. Ben is dismissed, to his adjoining bedroom or the gym, Mara doesn’t care as long as she gets at least one hour’s head start with Rey. Rey makes pleading eyes, trying to signal that she needs saving from the scary woman but Ben just smirks, pulls a smaller bag, no doubt packed with his gym kit, out of his overnight bag and heads down to the foyer leaving Rey in Mara’s clutches.

“So, this is the first time Ben’s asked me to style one of his dates.” Mara says it as if it means something.

“Oh?”

“Normally his dates already have their own team and it’s usually a bit of mutual publicity, you know, but not you.” Mara tilts her head and looks at Rey from head to toe “Not you.” She steps back and puts her hands on her hips. “I brought a few pieces with me but now that I see you, I think I know the one you are going to look stunning in. You can look them all over of course but I have good feeling about this outfit.” Mara heads to the wardrobe and starts unzipping a garment bag.

Rey stands there, unsure what Mara meant when she talked about her and a little uncertain about her opinion is actually going to be listened to. She really doesn’t want to be dressed like some sort of doll and she’s really doesn’t want to wear anything too gown like.

The first dress is red, heavy satin with a halter neckline and a fit and flair below the knee mermaid style. Frankly it’s far too sexy and sophisticated for Rey to carry off no matter what Mara says. The second is a beige sock with crystals sewn onto it. It reminds Rey of some sort of ice skaters’ outfit and the look of horror on her face as Mara half unzips the bag has the stylist laughing and re-zipping it immediately.

Rey is starting to suspect Mara loves a bit of showmanship and has only shown her these two dresses to build up the great reveal of the third one.

“I promise you; this is the piece for you.” Mara hangs the garment bag on the back of the door and unzips it. The dress is brilliant fuchsia and edged with gold, beautiful vibrant colours reminiscent of a Sari. As the garment bag is pulled away Rey can see it’s not really a dress at all. It is silk bustier with slim fitting ankle skimming trousers, a jumpsuit but at the waist there are two panels of floating chiffon that drift to the floor from the under a gold crystal encrusted belt that will emphasise her waist. It gives the impression of a dress when she is standing still but as she moves the fabric will part down the middle to reveal her slim legs encased in the silk trousers. It’s unusual and elegant and Rey is flooded with relief that she is going to be able to live in this outfit rather than feel like some sort of mannequin that needs constant adjustment. A tiny giggle escapes her and she hold her hand in front of her mouth shyly.

“Do you like it?” Mara’s smile at Rey’s obvious delight is wide and genuine.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.” She’s little bit awed.

“It’s unusual, yes, but I thought you would be comfortable in it and I have a pair of low-heeled gold sandals for you. God knows Ben is a giant, but I don’t want to put you in high heels and have you feeling like you can’t move anywhere without wobbling.” Mara hands her the sandals, simple block heels with a swathe of gold crystals across the front strap echoing the design feature at the outfit’s waist. “Now after your shower I want you to wear them with your socks whilst we get you ready so that the leather gets a chance to mould to your feet.”

Mara pushes her towards the bathroom.

It’s been an hour and Mara and the hairdresser, Adrienne, are having a heated discussion regarding an intricate mermaid style braid versus a half up, half down braided crown when Rey hears Ben enter his room. The handle on the adjoining door starts to move downwards before Mara cuts off abruptly and rushes through the door. She only pulls it over so Rey can hear their conversation.

“Shower, now.”

“I was just going to check on Rey – ”

“No.”

“No?”

“You’ll see her when I’m finished. You stink, shower and I’ll send Adrienne through to trim and style your hair. And shave again.” There’s grumbling but Ben obviously acquiesces.

Mara appears back in Rey’s room, and winks at her.

“Don’t want to spoil the surprise, do we?”

Rey nods. As the afternoon goes on, she’s becoming increasingly anxious that maybe Ben won’t like this version of her. The girl in the mirror is a gilded version of her. She looks untouchable and perfect. Mara helps her zip up the jumpsuit.

She looks lovely, or as lovely as she’s ever going to get. The outfit isn’t something she would have picked but it’s surprisingly her. Adrienne has won and her hair is half up in a braided crown with a strand of gold filigree woven through it.

Vaguely she’s aware she should ask Mara to assist her with her wedding day but each time she thinks to ask, something holds her back. Mara’s been nipping in and out of Ben’s room all afternoon but now she’s leading him into Rey’s. 

“Ta-dah” Mara flourishes her hand towards Rey. “Do a turn.” And even though Mara is asking, Rey’s spent long enough with her this afternoon to know it’s not a request. She takes in Ben’s dark suit, tie, white shirt and blank face. He looks delicious but he hasn’t said anything. There’s an awkwardness to this and she’s glad she can avoid his eyes for a few seconds more as she spins to show him the full effect. 

She’s terrified of seeing disappointment there. 

Turning to face her friend, she looks up. Adrienne has done a good job, his hair is artlessly tousled and doesn’t look overdone and Mara has obviously had the suit tailored for him. Ben’s hands are in his pockets feigning a casualness she can see he doesn’t feel from the tense line of his shoulders and the way his dark eyes look at bits of her, her hair, her lips but never at her. There’s a little stab of worry that he doesn’t like the way she looks although she pushes that down, determined that nothing is going to stop her enjoying the evening.

“You look … great.” He says it so low; Rey has to strain to hear him.

“Solo, you’re hopeless.” Mara scowls at him. “Rey is stunning!” she exclaims, and Rey cringes a little at the fact Ben needs to be told she looks good.

“Yes – right – stunning.” He swallows and then smiles more naturally and seems to be taking her in properly. “You do look beautiful Rey.”

Stupidly Rey gives a little bob, almost a curtsey and tells him that he looks pretty good himself. Mara rolls her eyes as if they are a pair of idiots, insists Ben carries Rey’s lipstick so that she doesn’t need a bag and tells them to ‘scoot’. Mara assures them that she’ll pack everything away and pull the door closed behind her when she leaves. 

“Shall we?” Ben holds his arm out for her. She feels a faint tremble in his muscles as she wraps her hand round his bicep and puts it down to nerves. Ben never enjoyed big public gatherings. But then that’s why she’s here, to help him enjoy this evening. To sooth him she rubs his forearm with her free hand, and she can feel the trembling subsiding. Ben looks down at her, his gaze intense “Thanks for doing this Rey.”

“I wanted to. What are friends for if not helping each other out? Now lets go get that award Solo.”

~*~

Turns out Ben was right. Award ceremonies are long. Lighting and sound checks are long and the time between dinner courses is long. However, Ben keeps her topped up with champagne and gives a running commentary on various sporting stars seated around the hall as he sips on his orange juice. In the end, Ben didn’t get his award, it went to Rachael Dennhollander a former gymnast who helped end years of abuse of hundreds of young girls by testifying against the USA Gymnastics team medic Larry Nasser. 

“How? I mean how did he get away with abusing nearly three hundred girls?” Rey shakes her head in revulsion. “For over twenty years? Someone must have known about it.” She looks at Ben expectantly.

“It’s disgusting. These people are in such positions of power and trust, they can get away with pretty much anything.” Ben takes in her crossed arms and clenched fists. “There’s a lot at stake. Money, prestige, and people, I don’t know if they deliberately turn a blind eye or if they just don’t want to see what’s going on, so they convince themselves it’s not happening.” He looks a little helpless.

“And in the mean-time those little girls were having their lives ruined. Fuck, Ben. Abuse is abuse be it sexual, physical or emotional. It’s not right and I don’t care what’s at stake, it needs to be stopped. I hope they are policing things a bit more now.” He nods his agreement biting his bottom lip. Rey is starkly reminded of some of the entries Ben had written about Snoke and she uncrosses her arms and takes his hand under the table. Ben interweaves his fingers with hers and blows out a breath and gives her a smile that she returns. She won’t pry, but if Ben wants to say anything, she’ll be here for him. 

The mood lightens again as Megan Rapinoe wins the sports Illustrated person of the year award. Ben fills Rey in on why she’s such a worthy recipient and Rey, who is only vaguely aware of women’s soccer makes a mental note to look up this person that Ben so clearly admires, a true activist in so many spheres. 

Despite breaking away to clap for the nominees and the recipients, Ben always seems to find her hand again afterwards. They’ve spent the majority of the ceremony this way. 

As the award ceremony wraps up and the band are taking to the stage, the intention behind the hand holding seems to shift, at least in Rey’s mind. What was meant to convey support seems to mean something else and she’s hyper aware of where they are connected. Ben lifts their hands so that they are both resting on his thigh, warm and solid. Rey’s heart goes haywire and she glances from their hands to Ben’s face. He’s looking at her and whatever he sees on her face causes a hint of a smirk to play on his lips. Slowly, he places her hand back on her thigh and lets her go. Resting his arm on the back of her chair he leans in. Rey has to repress a shiver from the sensation of the warmth radiating from his skin and the feel of his breath on her neck.

“We’re at that part of the evening, leave early and spend the rest of the night in our rooms or stay and dance?” Ben asks. 

With the way Ben looks this evening, hiding in her room would be the wisest choice but given that they have adjoining rooms she doesn’t think she could politely ask him to stay away from her while she tries to make sense of her racing emotions. No, an early night conjures up all sorts of images which at their most innocent include them snuggling and watching a movie on one of their beds or worse…

“Dancing.” She blurts. Right now, dancing with her friend is the safest option.

Ben chuckles “Bit keen there Kanata.” He smoothly rises from his seat and holds his hand out to her. She looks at his outstretched palm and then his face. There’s a calm assurance there as if he knows every time he offers her his hand, she’ll take it and go with him anywhere. Placing her hand in his, he gives a little tug to help her out of her chair. They both laugh when she stumbles into his chest as he obviously put too much strength into it. Awkwardly she pats his pecs rather than just removing her hands, face the same brilliant shade as her outfit.

“Dancing?” he reminds her, and she lets him lead her by the hand, out onto the dancefloor. The band is cranking out covers of hit songs keeping the beat up-tempo. 

The good thing about athletes is that they are coordinated and can dance. Rey has always loved to dance and having a partner who can feel and move to the beat makes it even more enjoyable. She should be looking at him as she dances but in a desperate attempt to get her feelings into some semblance of normality she only lets her eyes drift above chest height every now and then and when she does she gives him a shy smile. 

At the sound of the opening bars of Andy William’s ‘Can’t take my eyes off of you’ she snorts with laughter. Ben gathers her waist under his hands and the pair of them are grinning and laughing as they make a show of dancing to Maz and Chewie’s song. 

Ben twirls her away from him, the chiffon panels of her jumpsuit wrapping round her legs and Rey knows she’ll trip but Ben scoops her back in so that her back is resting against his chest and his arms are wrapped around her as he gently sings the lines ‘So let me love you baby, let me love you.’ 

Pressed this close and swaying together, Rey can’t deny her attraction to Ben. She’s panting slightly, every nerve electrified where his body makes contact with hers. Turning to face him she looks into his eyes and it’s there, naked want. Ben wants her. She’s not sure how she has managed to _not_ see it until this moment.

All of her flimsy excuses and pretences that they are just friends get bull dozed away by that look of raw heat. 

Swallowing, she feels like she can’t look away and they sway through the rest of the song staring at each other. Rey’s not sure what messages her eyes are conveying but she has the feeling that if she looked in a mirror she might see the same look as the one on Ben’s face reflected back.

“I – bathroom.” She’s shifting back to make her escape.

“Do you want your lipstick?”

“What?” the simple question throws Rey in her confused state.

“To reapply or whatever?” he dips his hand into his pocket and produces the black and gold cylinder.

“Oh yes.” She palms the tube and heads to the restrooms, leaving Ben on the dancefloor. The facilities are spacious and mercifully empty. If Mara hadn’t given her a professional manicure, Rey would be chewing on her thumbnail, instead she paces up and down in front of the mirrored wall.

_Calm down, it’s just the situation, calm down._

But not even Rey can talk herself back into the box of platonic friendship. She huffs out a breath, clearly she’s been lying to herself for four months. She can hear Rose telling her ‘ _you two can’t be friends’_. At the time she thought Rose meant there was too much hurt there for friendship not too much lust. Is it only lust? She glances at herself in the mirror, her pupils are blown and there’s a wild edge to her.

Breathe Rey, breathe.

Deep breath in, hold, slow exhale.

Nothing has happened. She stopped herself before anything could happen.

Another breath in, hold, exhale.

Nothing _has_ to happen. She’s strong enough. Everyone gets tempted now and then right? It’s normal. She stops her pacing and reapplies the lipstick with a slightly shaking hand. 

Finished, she looks at this better version of herself and can’t help the anger creeping over her towards Ben for putting her in this situation.

For making her want him.

She isn’t supposed to want him, she loves Poe but God, she does want Ben. 

Well, she can’t have him and right now probably is the best time to head to her hotel room, but she’ll need to get a key card from Ben.

Resolved, she opens the restroom door to go and find Ben, she doesn’t have to hunt far as he’s waiting in the hallway. He’s leaning against the wall but straightens up when he sees her.

“If it’s ok, I think I’d like to call it a night.”

He looks at her evenly “Ok.”

They walk silently back to the rooms, no more than a couple of inches apart but Rey is careful not to brush against him. They say nothing and an awful sense of expectation is growing in the pit of Rey’s stomach. She wants to cry because she’s not that person, she’s not a cheater but right now, right in this moment? She couldn’t care less.

Ben opens her bedroom door. Stepping in, he slides the key card into the wall slot and one of the bedside lamps comes on automatically. Rey follows him and closes her door with a soft click.

He taking up all the space in the room, standing there with his hands in his trouser pockets. He rocks on his heels slightly as if to stop himself from going to her. Rey rubs her upper arm.

“You don’t need to stay up here with me, you can go back and mingle.” Ben huffs out a breath and looks down at his shoes.

“I think I’m done.” She nods her agreement “Do you need help with your hair?”

“What? Oh, yes, please.” She sits in front of the vanity and Ben stands behind her. They are silent as if this moment doesn’t need any words. In the mirror she observes his face. He’s not looking at her but is concentrating on very carefully removing pins and untwining the gold filigree wire from her hair. The expression on his face is one of utmost care as if she is some priceless artwork that he has been charged with restoring. His fingertips lightly brush against her scalp as he runs his fingers through her hair loosening the braid and removing some of the hairspray. Rey sharps in a breath at the sensation. When he finishes, he lays his hands on her bare shoulders. It’s intimate and the look on his face is raw. Rey goes to turn in her seat to look up at him but he holds her steady and makes eye contact with her through the mirror.

“Rey, I want you and I think if I was to kiss you right now, you’d let me.” Rey’s head sags forward a little, ashamed of how easily he can read her. “But I’m not going to do that sweetheart.” She looks up and he has a wry smile on his face, at the shock on hers. The impact of his words reverberates through her chest. She takes a deep breath and tries to blink away the gathering tears in her eyes. Rey’s not sure if they are tears of regret or tears of anger at him for making her feel this way and then rejecting her. She moves out of his grip and stands facing him, she wants to speak but finds all her words have scattered.

Ben steps closer and his hands go to her waist, his fingers pressing into her flesh “You have no idea how much I want you Rey but I’m not that man. I’m not prepared to share, Rey.” She drops her head onto his chest and tears start to roll down her face landing softly on his shirt. Is she crying because she can’t have him or is she crying because she doesn’t like knowing that she would have been selfish and said ‘ _Fuck the consequences’_ and taken all that he would have given her, even if it was for only one night.

“I want all of you, every moment of your life. Not scraps.” The words are tender and he chucks her under the chin so that she will look at him. “I’m all in Rey but I would need that from you too.”

Rey lets out a moan “I can’t – Poe – God, you’re treating him with more respect than I am at this moment.”

“I couldn’t give a flying fuck about Poe.” Ben breathes the words into her hair “but you,” he swallows hard “I care about you and I won’t hurt you by putting you in this position.”

She draws back and looks up at him “What if I asked you to?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly thank you all you lovely people for reading, engaging, commenting and leaving kudos. It really makes my day. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Tuesday 11th of December 10.47pm

“What if I asked you to?”

Ben doesn’t answer and his silence is causing anxiety to ricochet through her. 

He cups her face in his large hands and tilts it up to him. His eyes scan across her features and he sighs. There’s so much love in his eyes that again she questions how she managed to live in denial for so long. Rey lets her eyes close, she has to, looking at him is too intense.

Rey draws in a breath. It feels like it is going to take so little for either of them to tip one way or the other. Part of her wants to fall into a future with Ben and another part wants to back away from this emotional tsunami that’s threatening to engulf her.

In the darkness, with Ben’s hands on her, all her senses are heightened.

She senses him drawing nearer and her heartbeat thrums rapidly in fear of the kiss he is going to gift her with.

But the warmth of his lips when she feels them, only place a chaste kiss to her forehead.

And then his hands are gone. He’s moving away from her. She blinks her eyes open only to hear the sound of the adjoining door locking. 

Rey stares at that door for a long time before realising Ben Solo isn’t coming back to her tonight.

~*~

Wednesday 12th December 9.15am

“I’m not leaving you here.” He shoves his hands into his jeans pockets and makes a show of settling on the bed, waiting her out.

“I’m not going with you.” Rey leans against the wall furthest away from him.

He sighs “Please Rey?”

“No.”

He folds his hands over his chest and looks around the room at her packed bags. “Do you really think I’d abandon you here? I brought you here and I’m bringing you home.”

“I’ll get a flight.”

“See sense, Rey, you’ll never get a standby ticket for today.” Ben leans down and grabs her overnight bag and stands. “I’m putting this in the car.”

Pushing off the wall she attempts to grapple the bag from him. “Ben, please. Don’t.”

His arm is barely moving, despite all her tugging and he’s looking down at her sadly. “Rey, you shouldn’t be put out because of me. Let me take you home. You can ignore me the whole way. Think of me as a Greyhound driver. Put your head-phones in, sleep, do whatever but don’t, don’t do this.”

Her hand falls away and she retreats back to the wall. Ben readjusts his grip on the handles, grabs the garment bag from the back of the door and goes, leaving her in her room.

~*~

Wednesday 12th December 2.50pm 2019

“Out the car!” Ben punctuates his outburst by slamming the heels of his hands against the wheel.

“What?” when he’d pulled into the service station, she’d assumed a rest break or a snack run but he hopped out, rounded the car, and yanked her door open.

“I mean it, out the car.” Ben looks pissed. This abrupt change from wilfully ignoring each other is throwing her so she slides her hand down to release the seatbelt. He steps back as she exits the car, grabbing her bag.

“You’re not planning to dump me here at, uh…” looking around for any sign of where they were. Ah, not that far from home. “Saratoga, are you?”

“No, course not. I just – this.” He gestures between them. “I can’t leave it this way. We need to talk Rey.”

“So, what, we’re going to stand beside the car and hash it out?”

He angles his body towards a strip of storefronts and a town square across the way. “No, walk with me. I didn’t trust myself to be behind a wheel for this.”

“Sounds ominous.” She mutters.

Talking about last night before she’s had time to try and dissect it herself, isn’t going to do her any good. She’s certain of it. Resigned, she follows in the wake of his agitated stride.

“So, who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?” It’s petulant, but she really doesn’t want to revisit this whilst it’s still so fresh.

He snorts. “I’ll start.” He gestures to the bench just off the square and they sit. Leaning forward he clasps his hands as if all the possible ways of starting this are no longer available to him. He draws himself back up and turns to Rey. “I know you’re hurt,” Rey twitches. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did.” She’s talking to the small barrel of flowers off to her left rather than look at him. Out of the corner of her eye she catches him nodding in agreement. Turning to him, she continues. “The thing is, you always do, Ben. When you left the first time, it wasn’t… it’s not something I ever want to go through again.” another deep breath, steeling herself to continue. “I don’t know why I keep letting you in. I‘ve been fooling myself that you’re just a friend, nothing more, because if you’re just a friend, you can’t hurt me.” She wraps her arms around herself, “But somehow you still manage it.”

“God, Rey, I know. Back then, it hurt like a Bitch.”

“What?”

“What I did? Hurting you, hurting me. It wasn’t worth it.” He’s clawing a hand through his hair the way he does when he’s upset.

“No. _No_.” a tremor runs through her. “Ben, you left me. You told me I was _nothing_.” Her anger is building, “Nothing but a distraction. You don’t get to sit here and tell me how you hurt. You did not have to live it.”

His hand moves towards her, but he thinks better of it at the look on her face and places his hand back on his own thigh. 

“I did. Every minute. I lived it too. I lied when I said that. You were never nothing, not to me.” Rey cups her hand over her mouth. “Rey, to me you’re everything and Snoke knew it.”

Ben draws in a long breath before charging through his confession. “Snoke wanted you gone. Said you’d hold me back. That I couldn’t have you and gold as well. Like an ass, I believed him.” Ben shifts uncomfortably and sighs. “I’ve never regretted anything more than listening to him. I think there’s a part of me that thought you’d see through me. That you’d challenge me, and then, then I’d be able to tell Snoke that we were strong, we _couldn’t_ be broken up. But you didn’t. You just accepted it. As if I’d want to leave you. Why didn’t you _fight_ for me Rey?” genuine anger on his face as he asks.

It feels like he’s slapped her. “Why didn’t I fight for you? _Why would I?_ Everyone leaves me. _Everyone_. Why would you stay?” Ben’s watching her intently with eyes that are suspiciously glassy. “I never believed my luck when you asked me out so when you wanted to end it, I tried to make it as easy for you as I could but, I was dying inside.”

Ben puts his head in his hands “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

She whispers “Yes.” She starts to laugh softly. “So, what, you’re telling me you never meant to split up with me in the first place? You never meant to make me fall for you again but now that I have, you don’t want anything to do with me because I have a fiancé?” she shakes her head in disbelief. “Do you even realise how much damage you do, Ben? I was happy. It took a long time, after you. But then I met Poe. He’s good, he loves me and we’re happy. But you’re taking that away from me, aren’t you?” she’s crying now.

“No, God, sweetheart, no.” He rubs his hand up on her shoulder, but she shrugs him off. “I… I’ll step back, I’ll leave you and Poe alone.”

“Don’t you get it? I _can’t_ be with Poe now.” She knows her voice is rising, that they are starting to draw looks, but she doesn’t care. “How can I marry Poe knowing I would have cheated on him given half a chance? When I get married, Ben, that’s it. No do overs, it’ll be for life. At least that’s what I have always told myself, but you had to come back into my life and fuck it up again.”

Ben shakes his head saying nothing and looking defeated.

Quietly she asks. “Why did you send me those messages? I hadn’t even thought there was a possibility that you and I could be more again until I read what you wrote.” She huffs and looks to the sky, missing the obvious shift in Ben’s body language. “Maybe Poe and I were done for when I read them because I wanted to believe them so much. You know? I wanted those messages to be real, for you to still love me.”

“Messages?”

“On Facebook.” She glances at him and his face is carefully neutral, but the tension in his body looks as if he’s only barely keeping himself seated. “The ones you sent to our joint account.”

He doesn’t move, he keeps studying her. Maz’s words rush through her mind again. About how Ben not knowing she’d read all his private thoughts wasn’t ‘ _a stable footing on which to re-establish a friendship’._

Fuck.

His face is totally closed off, but his eyes are burning.

“I didn’t see them before. I didn’t find them until a couple weeks after your parents anniversary party.” She’s rushing through her garbled explanation. “I haven’t even read them all.”

“How much did you read?” his voice is so quiet it’s a frightening contrast to the wild look in his eyes.

She swallows. “Enough.”

“How much Rey?”

“Up until about 2018.” He’s still sitting there but for the first time in the past four months he seems so far away. “I know how hard you work. How awful Snoke is to you. How it’s difficult to get the time to see your parents and when you do, it’s maybe, not always worth it, or at least that’s what you write.”

“What else?” he says through gritted teeth.

“That you – that you miss me. That you wish I was with you, sharing your life.” Nauseating shame floods her, to the point she can almost taste it on her tongue. Maz was right. Rey wants to laugh because Maz is always right, but she doesn’t think Ben would appreciate an outburst from her right now. If she’d listened to her Mom, she’d have had this conversation at the beginning, back when it wasn’t essential to her to have Ben in her life.

He smirks but it’s a cruel twist of his lips. “So you know everything – ”

“ – Not everything.” He stares at her and she quietens.

“I never thought you’d read them.” He lets out a harsh laugh. “That if you _did_ read them, the least you would do is reply. Let me know you were there.” He looks at her sharply.

Rey gives a pitiful shrug; she doesn’t know how to explain why she didn’t message him straight away.

“This whole time, you’ve known everything. Is this some sort of twisted revenge? A way to play with me, to get back at me for breaking it off with you?”

“What? No.” the pounding of her heart is almost blocking any air from getting into her lungs. Her voice is weak when she tries again. “I never…I would never.” She stops to force more air into her lungs. “I know it was wrong.”

“Too fucking right, it was wrong.” He mutters across her apology.

“Ben. I’m sorry. I never thought we’d be like this again. I didn’t think it mattered.”

He’s shaking his head “It matters Rey. It matters.” And he slumps forward, elbow on his knees, head down. 

They stay that way. Both of them vulnerable and bitter towards the other. They sit in silence, five minutes. Maybe ten. Rey doesn’t know how long but she knows she can’t get back into that car. She pulls her phone out of her bag and orders a Lyft. 

“I can’t do this Ben. We keep hurting each other. Can you… can you please take my things to my parents? I’ve ordered a Lyft.”

“Rey – ” but she quells him with a look and he nods. “I’ll wait with you until your driver gets here.” They sit there on opposite ends of the bench until her Lyft pulls up. 

They don’t even look at each other as she gets into the car.

~*~

Wednesday 12th of December 3.45pm

The Lyft drops her at her apartment and she’s hoping for a few hours to herself before Poe gets home. 

When she slides the key into the lock, she finds the door unlocked. Of course, she thinks, this day keeps getting shittier. 

He’s sitting on the couch waiting on her. Rey knows what’s coming, she’d seen a few posts on her twitter and Instagram feed as she tried to ignore Ben on the journey back. Beautiful pictures of a young couple in love, or so the paparazzi were hailing it.

Rey lets the door close behind her and drops her bag, walking across the open plan space to the seating area. Poe’s not even looking at her. He keeps scrolling on his Ipad. But the way his facial muscles tick, he’s painfully aware of her presence.

He doesn’t raise his eyes as he comments. “You make a beautiful couple. Everyone says so.”

Rey closes her eyes and sighs.

“Of course, everyone is wondering why Ben fucking Solo’s fiancée has such a small engagement ring considering he’s loaded.” He laughs. It’s forced. “I’m just quoting one of the journalists here, Rey.” He puts on a high pitch sing song voice. “‘Too late ladies, Ben Solo, is solo no more. Look how loved up they are.’ And then there’s a montage of pictures of you two positively eye fucking and his hands, Rey, his hands are everywhere!” Poe throws the Ipad on the couch and drops his face in his hands.

She looks at him. The man she said yes to. The man crumbling in front of her. In a way, she wishes that he hadn’t seen those pictures, not to shield herself from his anger but so that she could have had one more chance to hold him. 

To kiss him and tell him that she loves him because no matter what Poe now believes, Rey does love him. 

Rey loves Poe but she loves Ben more. 

Because she loves Poe this is going to be hard on both of them. It’s a futile and selfishly but she wishes she could have been allowed to tell him she loves him one more time. That’s never going to happen. He lowers his hands from his face. 

“Can you at least say something?” at his harsh tone she finds herself wanting to strike out, wanting to fight back after all she’s been through already today.

“What can I say, Poe? You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?” she’s flings out a hand in his direction “Come on tell me. What is it that I’ve done? Because you and all the paparazzi seemed to have a much better idea of what’s going on in my life than I do.”

“I’ve got eyes Rey. Did you think I wouldn’t see this? Did you think you could have a night off from your life and then come back to me and that, what, I’d just roll over and take it?”

“You’ve got eyes.” She echoes back to him sarcastically. “Well, you’re wrong. We danced. That’s it and then I went to my bed. Alone.” So much more alone than she’s been in years.

“Yeah right.” He grabs the Ipad and pushes it under her nose. “Look at you. Look at how you are looking at him. Look at the way he’s looking at you. That’s not how I look at my ‘friends’. If you think I’m going to buy the ‘we’re just friends’ bullshit again, Rey, then you are dead fucking wrong.”

What can she say? Even she knows now; Ben and her, they can never be just friends. They come back to each other only to inflict more trauma on one another. She tries to push all the painful thoughts of Ben and the hurt Poe is pouring over her, down. Down so deep that it can’t reach her anymore. She’s so tired and she doesn’t want to do this. Doesn’t want to watch her relationship implode. She shakes her head and crosses her arms.

“Rey, please.” Poe moves closer to her. “If I know where we stand, I’m sure I can get over it. Please just be honest with me.”

She tries not to physically recoil from him. “You’ll get over it? You’ll _get over_ it? You don’t even **know** if I slept with him or not.” He scoffs loudly and her temper flares. “I never slept with him. I didn’t cheat.”

Poe looks at her as if he’s never seen her before. As if he hadn’t realised what a liar she is. He shakes his head and starts to turn away, but Rey stops him.

“Poe, I didn’t have sex with Ben.”

“Rey, if you didn’t sleep with Ben, it’s because he said no, not because you didn’t want to.” She drops her hand as if burned.

“If that’s what you think – ”

“- it’s what I know.” He cuts in.

 _Oh, you did not just do that, Poe Dameron_. “I don’t know how many times I need to say this, I did not cheat and if you think so little of me then there’s no point in us continuing.” She’s wiggling the diamond off of her left hand and Poe watches the way she’s tugging at the ring before jumping in.

“Rey, stop. We’re both too upset. Let’s, let’s take a night apart and think about this.” The ring comes free and she walks over to place it on the coffee table. Poe is rooted to the spot watching her. “This is stupid, Rey. Rey, stop you’re being stupid.”

“No Poe, I’m not being stupid. I can’t wear that ring anymore. I’m going to my parents.” She moves towards the bedroom and he shouts at her retreating back.

“Don’t drag your parents into it, Rey, this is between us. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight and we’ll talk in the morning.”

She spins on her heel. “I don’t think you get it. I don’t want to talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about.” He’s picking up her ring and looking at it. “I don’t want to continue this, Poe. You clearly don’t trust me, and you certainly don’t believe me. I’m sorry but this…it isn’t working.”

“It’s Solo, isn’t it? We were fine, great even, before he came back and took you from me.”

“No one took me, Poe. I’m not a toy or a possession. I was with you because I wanted to be with you, not because you picked me out. Do you understand?” Poe sits heavily on the couch and nods. She steadies herself because as hard as it will be for him to hear, it’s harder for her to admit, but she owes him the truth. “I’m not with Ben. I didn’t cheat but Poe, I was tempted. If I’m tempted then it means I’m not strong enough, we’re not strong enough, and how can I stay with you knowing that?” He’s crying now and she wants to kneel in front of him, gather him in her arms and hold him close, take all his distress away but how can she when she’s the one causing it? “I love you Poe, but maybe love isn’t enough.”

He’s shaking his head. “It’s enough Rey, we can get through it. I… I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t do this.” He looks at her, tear tracks criss-crossing across the planes of his face and real pain on his face. She moves closer to him and wipes the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs, leans in, and with barely a whisper of a kiss to his forehead, she asks him quietly.

“Please, let me go.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thanks again for all your kind comments and kudos, they really do motivate me to write.  
> A few disclaimers I researched Art therapy for say, 2 minutes on the internet so please just go with it. To all excellent art therapists out there, sorry if I've made a complete mockery of your profession. Second, I can't even draw stick men so if my descriptions are off, oops. Finally, trying to write Yoda's voice without it ending up sounding silly or obscuring the meaning that I'm trying to get across is hard. So if it doesn't work or things aren't clear can you please let me know in the comments and I'll try to make things clearer.  
> x

Numb. She wishes she felt numb but instead she’s being rushed on all sides by the big emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, pain. Is pain even an emotion? Doesn’t matter, she’s feeling it anyway. They’re all swirling in her head as she sits on the edge of their double bed trying to take in a breath.

Her phone buzzes and she slips it out of her back pocket. Catching the picture of her Mom, she swipes to connect the call. Maz is speaking before she even gets the phone to her ear.

“Ben Solo has just dropped your things off with a face that, Lord, it would strike fear into the hearts of mortal men. What did you do child?”

Rey draws in a shuddering breath.

“Rey? Rey?” Maz’s voice spikes.

It’s a simple word that she’s trying for, but the muscles in her throat contract making it effortful.

“M-mom.”

“Oh, Rey,” A sob from Rey interrupts her. “You’re worrying me baby, what’s wrong?” She’s got no ability to answer Maz’s question, she breathes heavily as she tries to subdue her crying. “Come home child.” When Rey doesn’t answer, Maz ploughs on, “I’m sending your Dad, are you at home?”

“Y-yes.”

“Dad is on his way.”

Thursday 13th of December 9.55am

The tightening at Rey’s temples squeezes with every step she’s taking. Her helpful phone buzzes with a reminder ‘Dr Yoda Viva five minutes’. Pity she’s still at least ten minutes out from the tiny professor’s office. 

When she arrives, Yoda’s sitting at his desk, hands clasped under his chin, eyes unfocussed.

“Dr Yoda, I’m so sorry.” Rey rushes into the seat across from him and pulls her bag onto her lap, hunting for her thesis notebook. The hyacinth blue one. The one with the Matisse quote “ _There are always flowers for those that want to see them_ ” on the front cover. The one with all her precious research and notes in its pages. The one she could have sworn she picked up after glancing through it while eating breakfast.

“Worry not, you are here now.” The elderly gentleman has a deep but soothing voice. Rey wondered if he’d cultivated it intentionally so as to put his clients at ease despite his often odd phrasing. He’s not a native English speaker but Rey doesn’t feel she knows him well enough to ask where he is originally from. Yoda slowly lowers his hands to the desk and watches her rifling through the bag again. “Something is missing, yes?”

“My, my notes – I thought I had it –” her panic is rising. “I can speak about the project, but I won’t be able to give you stats” Shit. “Not off the top of my head. I’m…I’m so sorry Dr Yoda.” Her professor tilts his head, regarding her. Under his gaze, Rey is starting to lose her grip on her emotions. She’s fucked up, and now she’s wasting Dr Yoda’s time. He shakes his bald head as if she missed the point.

“You are not listening. Something is missing, is it not?”

“I – ” Rey starts but stops because she’s not sure what he’s getting at.

“Miss Kanata, counselling is needed. Something is wrong? Hmm?” Rey drops her eyes to her denim clad knees and nods. “Room 218 is free. We take it. At eleven, we find what is missing. Maybe.” He gestures with his pencil to the door. Rey’s head turns to look at the door and then back to him.

“Now?”

“Now is best time. Hmm?” He gives her a small smile and she nods back at her professor.

Room 218 is stocked with art supplies and as Dr Yoda said, free all morning. From the booking sheet on the door, free all day. She marks their intention to be in the room until lunch on the paper and pulls the small blind over the window on the door. Someone has pulled the drafting table closer to the window so that any late winter light is captured. It smells faintly of the turps the last student used to clean their brushes. Yoda bustles into the room. For someone as ancient looking as Yoda, he’s surprisingly spry. He settles into the observation chair tucked at the back of the room.

“I will not lead Miss Kanata you must do own practise.” 

Shirking off her jacket, she dumps her belongings by the door and then settles cross legged on the floor. Normally Rey can slip into her meditation practice, allow herself to get that point where she is able to create, free of conscious thought or expectations. Today everything itches, the more she tries to attain that sense of peace, the further out of her grasp it slithers. She sits with herself. Tries to forget Yoda’s presence. 

Listening. Observing. Breathing. 

Always breathing. 

Her breath is the thread tying her to herself and gradually she knows she’s ready. Her muscles protest at having to move again after being stationary but she breathes into the slight ache and moves, trying not to consciously think, over to the cupboards. Papers of different weights and textures are arranged on the shelves. Running her hand over the textures she tries to let her fingertips tell her which to choose.

The light texture of the cold press paper feels right. Not too perfect but not too uneven. She selects an ivory A6 sheet and tapes it into place on the drafting table. The paper reflects nothing back to her. Waiting, just like her. Rey closes her eyes to dip back inside to centre herself. Then she is ready to begin.

~*~

Dr Yoda observes and takes notes throughout the hour or so she works. Rey’s fingers are stained with dark inks and the progress is good, but the images aren’t finished, some only pencil blocked in. Stylistically it’s not typical of her. At all. 

It’s all explosive movement reminiscent of comic book art. Strong outlines, and crosshatched shading in dark brown, black, navy, and deepest aubergine.

It’s not a light piece. 

Rey has forgotten Yoda until he taps on the drafting table with his pointer finger.

“Now we see. Hmm?”

Rey’s hold tightens on the pen, lifting its nib from the paper so that excess ink doesn’t ruin the line of the figure in the foreground. It’s not done and now that Yoda has brought her back into herself, she’s not sure at all where she was going with it.

“Please, on wall and we look.”

Tacking it to the cork board behind her, she moves round the table until she’s leaning against the supply cupboard near Yoda’s chair.

“Hmmm.” Her professor strokes his chin and Rey wants to say ‘hmmm’ as well. 

_What is this?_

Rey doesn’t recognise these pieces that she has somehow pulled out of herself. 

There’s a figure, female, in the foreground. She’s crouching with the tips of her fingers on the rocky ground, her hair wild around her and partially obscuring her snarling teeth and rage filled eyes. Over her right shoulder there’s an imposing figure of a man. She’s only inked him in black, with the barest accents of aubergine to pick out the movement of his cloak. Silver edges his mask.

Everything about this man is covered, repressed. He’s also the only one holding a weapon. A blood red sword held in a double handed grip; it’s raised high above his left shoulder as if she’s caught him in the act of demolishing an enemy. 

Over the main figure’s left shoulder there’s an oval lightly pencilled in, as if something needs to go there but she hasn’t determined what yet. The background is composed of monochromatic flames; a land burning, razed to the ground. Collapsing into rubble under the feet of whoever she is.

It feels oppressive.

“Not finished, Miss Kanata. Free tomorrow?” Yoda turns and looks at her, eyebrows raised.

“I have a study period at three.”

He nods “I move things. Come, we leave them. I will lock door and we greet them again tomorrow.” And he gives her a patient smile. Rey goes to tidy up the workspace but Yoda merely mutters, “Tomorrow, Miss Kanata, tomorrow” and waves her out of the room.

~*~

Despite the restaurant they’d agreed on only being five minutes from Rose’s office, she’s late and Rey finds herself looking at the pictures of Ben and her that can now be easily brought up with a google search. Their smiles in the pictures are genuine and for one another only. Each and every photo causes pain to lance through her. Only a fool would look at these pictures that Rey doesn’t even remember being taken. She’d been that caught up in Ben, that other than the formal walk into the grand hall, she hadn’t been aware of the photographers. 

How can so much have changed in little over a day?

Rey fumbles to click off of the website when Rose appears at the door of the restaurant. Rose approaches her with a scowl and Rey wonders if she should have left this catch up for a few days.

“I don’t get you.” Rose has barely started to shrug off her coat. “What the hell happened? Poe is saying nothing other than you’re not staying in the apartment.” She takes her seat sitting stiffly and for the first time Rey wonders if the split with Poe is going to cost her Rose and Finn. It hadn’t occurred to her that she might lose her friends over this.

“I’m staying with Maz and Chewie.”

“But why?”

Rey bites her lip and wills herself not to cry. “I realised that Poe and I shouldn’t get married.”

Rose stares at her and then shakes her head. “You’re fucking everything up, you know that? Everyone has fights but that doesn’t mean that you call everything off. You stay and talk about it.”

“But what if you already know that talking isn’t going to change anything?”

  
“How do you know if you don’t even try? Rey, Poe is devastated. Finn went round there last night. He’s never seen Poe so distraught. The guy doesn’t know what he did wrong. All he knows is you came home, picked a fight and left after handing your ring back. I mean, what’s up with that Rey?” Rose taps her fingertips against the lacquered tabletop in emphasis.

“I’m sorry Poe’s upset, Rose, but trust me, I’d only hurt him more if we married.”

“What so one night with Ben is worth chucking away everything you’ve got with Poe? He must be one hell of a lay.” Rose looks away in disgust.

“I’m sick of people thinking I slept with Ben. But yes, you’re right, I did cheat.” Rose’s eyes widen in shock. “I cheat every minute I looked at Ben. I want him – no, that’s not true – I _need_ him more than it makes any sense to. And no, we didn’t sleep together but in my heart I know it’s Ben, it’s always been Ben and I can’t go back to Poe because I’d be just as much a consolation prize to him as – ”

“What? As he is to you?” Rose snaps.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“The way I feel about Ben – it’s like he eclipses everything – with anyone else, they’d only ever get bits of me. And that’s not fair, Rose. It’s not fair on Poe. I love him enough that I think he deserves better than that.”

Rose huffs but reached out and grips Rey’s hand. “Rey, you’re putting Ben on an impossible pedestal that not even he can live up to. It’s not… it’s not healthy.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not. Ben and me. We’re not together.” Rose narrows her eyes and Rey rushes on. “I fucked up there too. As you said, I fuck everything up.” Rose sighs through her nose. 

A waitress circles around to their table and Rose orders two margaritas.

“Rose.”

“Rey, right now I’m pissed with you. I think you are making a huge mistake. But we are going to sit here and drink margaritas until this all starts to make sense to me.”

~*~

Five margaritas later – Rose is on her third and Rey is still nursing her second – and Rose is shaking her head in an exaggerated fashion.

“So, you find these messages that sort of hint at Ben loving you, but you cling to the idea that he probably doesn’t? But, despite that, you think it’s a great idea to start being friends again?”

“Yup.” Rey takes another sip.

“But it’s _like really_ obvious from the messages that he so totally does love you?”

“Uh-hu.”

“But you still didn’t believe it and you thought you could be friends? Like friend friends that _don’t_ kiss?”

“Yes” Rey grits out.

“You’re an asshole.” Rose shrugs. “There’s no other explanation.”

“What?”

  
“I’ve not seen those messages but if Ben says he loves you in those messages, why the hell would you mess with that when you’re engaged to someone else? That’s plain stupid Rey.” Rose rolls her eyes hard and picks up her margarita.

  
“I know that.” Rey hisses, “and this,” Rey gestures between them, “Not helping, Rose.”

“Sorry, not sorry, it’s like you wanted to cause a big upset, you know? You went out of your way to befriend it.” Rose takes a large swig and winces at the alcohol burn. “But forget that, you get to the gala, realise, ‘ _oops I still love Ben’_ and he’s all like ‘ _nah, you’re all right’_ because you’re with Poe.”

  
“Again, yes. You’ve really got a grasp of it.”

“But then, when you’re pissed with him for not wanting you, you tell him about the messages and he’s all woah, stealth ninja out for revenge.”

“He didn’t quite put it like that but yes.”

Rose lets out an exaggerated sigh. “Are you sure you can’t go back to Poe? He’s such a good guy.”

“He is Rose, and that’s why he deserves better.”

“He does.” Rey gives Rose a frosty look. “You know he will still take you back right?” Rey looks away sadly. “But that’s never going to happen is it?” Rose continues as Rey shakes her head and tries to blink away tears. “Ben Solo, really did a number on you. You can’t have him, but it looks like you can’t be happy with anyone else either. What an utter bastard.”

Rey snorts a laugh at the venom in Roses voice and takes one last stab at explaining. 

“I don’t think I ever learnt how to get over Ben. I thought I had but clearly not.” _Maybe I never will._ She grips Roses hand and her friend squeezes back. Things might be a bit rocky between then for a bit but Rey knows ultimately Rose will always be there for her. 

~*~

Friday 14th December 2019 3.00pm

“We meet them again. I look forward to hearing story of them.” Dr Yoda perches happily on his chair in room 218 and gestures towards the A6 sheet still pinned on the wall. “Begin please Miss Kanata.”

Rey’s aware that she never left them here. They’ve been with her overnight. Fighting in her head. Centring herself to access that place of stillness within, she’s beginning again, adding detail, adding figures, selecting elements of colour. The pen moves with rapidity as the scene flows from the nib. 

Unshed tears are gathering in her eyes, and she’s frightened to blink in case one falls. Her pen hasn’t touched the paper for at least five-minutes.

“Finished?” comes a voice from her side. It rouses her and she dashes at her eyes.

“Yes.”

“Wall, please.”

Rey picks the paper up and once again pins it to the wall.

“What see you, Miss Kanata?”

She swallows. “Adversaries. Destruction. Rage.” Her eyes flick across the page and she frowns. “All-consuming rage.”

The few tufts of hair left on Yoda’s head stand on end as he nods his agreement.

“Darkness. Yes.” He leans back in his chair as if the extra distance will give a greater sense of clarity. “Yes.”

They take in her finished picture; the flames, the man, the girl whom Rey has furnished with a weapon and what is that? A ruin? A temple? A palace? She tilts her head and squints. Only his sword and hers are in shocking colour, everything else is from the dark end of the spectrum.

“I watch Miss Kanata. The time, did you spend it with him, or her?”

Rey turns to Yoda “Her, I think.” But he’s shaking his head.

“No, him. Again, and again to him you return.” Rey’s frown deepens, that’s not right, she put more time into the female figure.

“Are you sure?”

Yoda doesn’t answer but looks at her with raised eyebrows and blinks at her imperiously before turning back to the sheet and Rey’s cheeks burn. “The girl, tell me.”

“She’s crouching. She’s… she’s weighed down. Everything – ” she clears her throat. “Everything around her is crumbling. She’s _furious_ and – I don’t know – I can’t tell if she’s angry about the building or something else, but she’s broken.” And Rey doesn’t need Yoda’s gentle guidance to recognize herself in this woman. 

Yoda tilts his head. “Weighed down? Broken? No, Miss Kanata, no. See there?” Rey gets out of her seat and moves closer to the drawing with Yoda. He points to the figure, one hand with fingers steepled and bracing the ground, the other gripping the sword. “She is rising up. From the earth she’s pushing away. She will stand, she will fight.” Yoda nods to himself, happy with his explanation.

Rey can only croak out a quiet “No, but maybe...” But Yoda is using his pencil to point to the man whilst raising his eyebrows in silent question. “I don’t know.” She says.

“Think Miss Kanata. Adversary? Or champion?”

“I… I don’t know.” Yoda pats her gently on the forearm and makes to take down the picture but he’s a bit short so Rey reaches out, unpins it, rolls it, and hesitates before putting it in Yoda’s waiting hand.

“Safe with me they will be, Miss Kanata. Until Wednesday.” And he gives her a nod and heads back to his office.

~*~

Friday the 14th December 6.30pm

A shower helps to wash away some of the tension from this afternoon’s session. It’s only the second therapy appointment and she knows that this sense of vulnerability is a side effect of going poking about in her heart and mind. With how fucked up she’s feeling, it’ll take at least a couple more intense sessions before things start making sense. 

As she’s lathering up her hair, the image of the two characters keep fighting in her head. It’s shaming that she’s named them like a cutesy set of twins, Kylo and Kira. They sound so much sweeter than the pair of savages she’s somehow brought to life. They keep attacking one another and it feels like every time she closes her eyes they are there, trapped in an eternal battle that neither seems able to win.

Rinsing out the shampoo, she shuts off the shower, dries and pulls on old sweats and an oversized t-shirt and drags her wet hair into a bun.

She flops on her stomach on her bed and pulls her sketch pad towards her. It feels like now that they exist, she wants to get Kylo and Kira out of her head. She’s adding detail to another tableau when Maz knocks on the door. Rey slams the book shut and looks at her Mom entering the room.

“Are you ready to talk Rey?” she sits on the edge of the bed and smooths her hand over Rey’s wet hair. 

Her parents had brought her home on Tuesday, Chewie took one look at her devastated face and pulled her into a hug before bundling her into the car. He might have asked her what happened but she’s not sure. When they made it home Maz simply held her as she cried until exhausted, she’d fallen asleep.

However awful this is, Rey knows she’s got a bond with her adoptive parents, that no matter what happens they love her, and they’ll support her. 

“I don’t really know where to start but I can tell you, you were right, Mom.”

“I usually am,” Maz said with a smirk that dies as she continues, “but I have the feeling this time that I don’t want to be.”

Rey huffs out a breath and tells her Mom everything.

~*~

Wednesday the 19th December

It’s been a long few days and now she’s back in room 218 with Dr Yoda, her original art work and a sketch book bulging with images of Kylo and Kira that Yoda is leafing through.

“Miss Kanata, any thoughts you have, please.” Yoda gestures elegantly to the pictures.

“Um, well, they have names, pretty stupid names but he’s ‘Kylo’ and she’s ‘Kira’ and they seem to be hell bent on destroying each other.” She points to a few more sketches including a gory one where Kira gores Kylo’s stomach with her weapon.

“Please, order for me, the ones where Kylo attacks Kira.” And he folds his hands discreetly on his lap waiting on her to sort through the pages.

Rey sifts through the sheets but now that she’s looking, Kylo appears to always be on the back foot, blocking Kira’s strikes. That can’t be… she rifles through the papers again, there must be at least one. 

Eventually she comes across one where their weapons are crossed, both pushing hard into the attack and the differences in their physicality is emphasised. He is bearing down, and she is pushing up, head tilted. Kira can’t see his eyes thanks to the monochromatic mask Kylo wears in every single picture, if he weren’t, Kira would be staring right into his eyes and he likewise would be caught in her thrall. Indeed, if Rey put her hand over the weapons, the positioning of their heads is the classic precursor to a kiss pose. 

“There isn’t one.” She tells Yoda, stunned.

“Hmm,” Yoda smiles. “Why not?”

“Kylo, appears to be defending himself.” Rey spreads all the sketches out on the drafting table. “In all of them.”

“That’s what I too see.” Yoda points the end of his pencil to the original artwork. “Think, before I asked. Champion or adversary? What think you now, Miss Kanata?”

Rey’s eyes dance over everything and she can’t draw an answer from all of this. “I don’t know.”

“Think, Miss Kanata, does Kylo do harm?”

Her reply is automatic “Yes. The temple, that was him. He destroyed it.” She lets out a laugh, she sounds so much like a five-year old blaming all the wrong doings on one of her peers. Rey hasn’t really thought about the ruins she drew in the first session. Too much of her head space had been taken up with the tempestuous twins. But despite the way she’d said it, there is a truth there. Whatever that temple had been, it was important to her, to Kira.

Yoda strokes his chin and then makes a ‘go on’ gesture with his hand.

“I don’t know, I don’t know who built the temple, if it was him or her or both of them.” But as soon as the words are out, she knows they both built it. She glances back to Yoda, “No, they both built it but he, he definitely destroyed it.” She points to the ruins.

“And Kira?”

“Murderously angry.” Yoda nods his head as if Rey is only telling him something he already knows.

“Miss Kanata, you identify with Kira, I see, so my question you must answer. In your life, who is Kylo?”

“I wish I knew.” She crosses her arms across her body.

“Ah, but you do, Miss Kanata, you do. You try not to see, because if you will see, then you must own Kira’s savagery. And after all that hate, you _must_ forgive. It is the only way. And to forgive, we must know _who_ and _what_. Essential, that is.” He flicks his pencil end against the drafting table. “Or there can be no forgiving. Only darkness. Only pain.”

Rey stares at the images that she has drawn over again, and again. 

Realistically she knows that there’s only two men she’s currently struggling with: Poe and Ben. 

She’s laughing because if she knew who was behind the mask, she might just have a chance of working out where this is all going. 

Despite her laughter, Yoda continues his counselling.

“Kylo has hurt Kira. Here, the pain, Miss Kanata,” he indicates the crumbling ground, the flames and the ruins. “It hurts when on it, I look. For you, worse, I think.”

He places his hand on her shoulder, patting her in a reassuring manner and it’s only now with his comfort she realises that the sound coming from her is no longer laughter. At some point whilst Yoda was speaking, the laughter had turned to tears and it feels like her chest is breaking because at last, she can _see_ it. 

Her pain and her fear writ large. 

How did she not realise? 

She’s _never_ forgiven him. 

Is it why she struggled to talk to him for years? 

Why even though she knows – _knows –_ she can’t be with Poe anymore, still it’s impossible to be with him? Because who is she kidding? 

Of course, Kylo is Ben. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Covid restrictions are kicking back in where I live which has knocked my motivation for pretty much everything! Sorry this is a bit late and a bit short. Be aware Snoke is not nice and uses some foul language.

Ben sits on that bench after Rey leaves, feeling his anger roiling through him like black ink through water, tainting everything it comes into contact with.

His anger always feels like a physical presence in his body. Not a fleeting mood but a violence that leaves him quaking. No wonder his parents had sent him to his Uncle Luke as a kid to learn to swim, to give him a physical outlet for when the intensity of his feelings seemed to overwhelm him. 

Passers-by shoot him little looks as he sits there huffing to himself and shaking his head as he goes over their conversation in his mind. To think he had thought – no – _believed,_ that Rey felt something for him again when all she was doing was dangling herself in front of him like some sort of prize. Like a bloody salivating dog, he’d tried to chase her down, not realising that like a cruel owner, she’d hold the treat just out of his reach.

Christ, how would he feel now, if he had been with her last night? He’s not sure if the shiver that thought elicits from him is disgust or delight.

If it hadn’t been for that throw away comment from Mara, he’d never of rethought his plan to be with her in any way she would let him. He’d have taken the crumbs of her time and been happy. 

But no, Mara rebuking him for not letting on that he was engaged, had his mind spiralling. A misunderstanding over whose engagement ring Rey wore. It was enough to have him imagining what it would be like if it had been him that placed a love token on her finger. Symbolising to everyone around that she was his. He’d sat there in that generic hotel room and all his short-term plans fell away as he burned for a future that should have been theirs. 

If he hadn’t trusted that a future together could exist, he wouldn’t have had the control to walk away when she asked him to take her.

He lets out a bitter scoff at this, causing a small child to look at Ben as if he were mad, before getting tugged down the street by his Mom. 

His love for Rey is so brilliantly obvious she must have seen how he was hooked on her. No, she didn’t need to look for clues, she knew because he _told_ her. 

If he’d meant anything at all to her she’d have reached out to him immediately. Not read through thoughts that were intensely personal and twisted them for her own needs; to make him suffer the way she had at his cruel words from years ago.

Words. 

It doesn’t seem to matter if he writes them down or says them out loud, his words always seem to hurt him.

All her little hints of how she can’t be with Poe now. All designed to enmesh his heart further so that when she runs back to Poe, it’ll be impossible for him to unravel himself from her. She’ll be the scar tissue on his heart, intrinsic to keeping his heart beating.

He can’t sit here forever. He makes his way back to his car and the first of Snoke’s texts come through reminding him he has responsibilities. Ben’s lucky that the highways are relatively clear at this time of the day as he’s on auto pilot and guns it down the road to Stanford and his coach.

***

3.26pm Snoke: _Why aren’t you in the gym?_

3.42pm Snoke: _It’s nearly 4. Your gym session was 3.30._

3.47pm Snoke: _When you get in, my office._

The last of Snoke’s texts registers as Ben slides into the parking space outside the University’s sports complex. He scrolls through them all and exhales heavily through his nose. Fuck this shit. Between Saratoga and Stanford, he’s had the chance to cool off a little and there’s a part of him wondering if he’s been too reactive. Too harsh in his judgement of Rey. 

To be fair to Rey, there’s no evidence that she was out for revenge. Could he have sabotaged his chances with Rey because he was embarrassed and uncomfortable to seen in such detail? He taps the steering wheel in thought. Did he just have everything he wanted within his grasp and his quick temper ruined everything for him again? Ben pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes. He needs to get things under control if he has to go up against Snoke. Climbing out of the car, he puts his full force into slamming the door shut and a metallic crunch gives him pause to wonder if he’s going to have to get his Dad and Chewie to look at that.

***

Snoke’s waiting on him, a sneer on his face.

“You’re late.”

  
“I know.” Ben snaps. Snoke quirks an eyebrow, Ben has become more impassive in the face of Snoke’s rants over the years and his coach’s grin spreads.

“What’s the matter Solo, was your little girlfriend not as good a fuck as you remembered?” the leer slides off Snoke’s face replaced with a scowl. “Did you think I wouldn’t see? Did you think I wouldn’t recognise that bit of tail that dragged you down years ago?”

Ben folds his arms. It feels impossible to keep his hatred for this man off of his face, but he needs to keep the anger tamped down, let him have his rant and Ben’ll go and destroy a punch bag in the gym later.

“Really scrapping the bottom of the barrel, Ben if you have to take another man’s fiancée with you as your date.”

Ben blows out a breath. Calm. He tries for escape. “Do you need me here or can I get into the gym, where I actually need to be.”

“No, I need you to tell me why you haven’t been taking the extra vitamin shots?” _This shit again,_ Ben finds the cloying anger is getting difficult to contain and drops his arms and starts to pace. He knows Snoke’s pushing for a reaction, well he’s not getting any more than this from Ben today. “Why are you late for an essential training session?” Snoke watches with inscrutable eyes as Ben prowls and lines up another dig. “Your little charity gig didn’t get you the award last night so we can take that out of your schedule. Waste of time, anyway.” 

Ben looks up to the ceiling, a twisted smile on his face as he keeps walking back and forth, his eyes don’t even want to look at Snoke right now, he’s not going to rise to the bait. Snoke’s frustration is evident as he goes in for one more barb.

“Of course, you won’t be seeing that fucking cunt again. I told you before you can’t have her and success.”

Ben’s not sure if Snoke hears the warning growl from his chest and chooses to ignore it or if Ben’s hand had already shot out and caught his coach by the throat by the time the sound rumbles through him. 

A random thought of how impressive his reflexive muscle response time is and how all his training is really paying off, floats through his brain before he realises Snoke’s scrawny neck is in his grip. 

Snoke’s eyes show too much white as his shock registers. He claws at the hand currently squeezing both sides of his windpipe. Ben cocks his head to the side, watching as his coach's crepe skin cycles through various shades of red, before approaching a purple tinge.

“You do not talk about her.” He flexes his fingers slightly and Snoke’s air chokes in his pharynx. “You do not even fucking think about her.” He gives a push and Snoke stumbles back and hits off of the metal cabinet behind his desk. It makes a satisfying resounding thud as Snoke clatters into it.

“You’re finished.” Snoke rasps out, grasping at his throat. “If you think, for even a minute, you’ll be on the Olympic squad you can think again.” He coughs and massages his neck.

Funny how the adrenalin high, the one that gives him the laser focus he’s so accustomed to at the start of races, is here now. It’s the same slightly removed sensation. He can see what he’s done, he can see Snoke slipping to his knees as he tries to drag in a lungful of air, knows he’s irrevocably damaged his chances of getting on the Olympic team. He’ll probably have an assault charge lodged against him before the end of the day. 

He knows all of this is happening but, right now, he just doesn’t care. 

“Uh-hu.” He agrees with Snoke’s assessment and walks out the office door. He knows the crash will come soon but whilst his head is clear and he’s striding through the corridors heading out to his car, he knows there’s one more call he needs to make.

***

Wednesday the 12th of December 7pm

Luke keeps pulling his hands through his straggly hair, staring at Ben and appears to be completely speechless.

“Kid, you never do anything half assed.” Han has the audacity to laugh and slaps him on the back as if Ben’s life, career, and everything he’s ever worked for hasn’t just gone up in flames.

“Leia…” Luke turns to his twin who is on the sofa beside Ben. She looks at her brother sharply but decides to take control and starts talking over Han’s chuckles.

“Ben, let me get this straight. You’ve reported Snoke to the US Anti-Doping Agency.”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t know if you, yourself have been doped?”

“Yes” at this Luke lets out a strangled whimper.

Leia frowns slightly, “Yes, you’ve been doped or yes, you don’t know if you’ve been doped?”

“I don’t fucking know if I’ve been doped.”

“Hey, kid, language.” Ben looks at his Dad, amazed that this is what he’s upset at. “Your Mom’s present.”

“I think I’ll cope Han.” Leia says tartly. “What happens if you have been?” she put her hand on her son’s thigh, he shrugs but Luke finds his voice.

“It’s a two-year ban and he’ll be stripped of every medal he’s ever won. Maybe a fine, I don’t know, Ben’s a big name so there’s a good chance he’ll be made an example of.” Luke gestures at Ben, “You can forget any more sponsorship monies coming your way. How could you be so stupid Ben?”

“That’s enough, Luke.” Leia snaps at her twin who seems to puff up even more.

“Leia, he should have been absolutely certain he was clean before he called that accusation in.” Luke turns to Ben, “I admire you for going after Snoke and I agree he deserves it, but you shouldn’t have thrown yourself under the bus like that. Twenty years, Ben, twenty years of your hard work is gone.”

“Oh, so you think I’ve definitely been doping then, that I didn’t do any of it under my own effort?”

“I didn’t say that.” Luke make a dismissive face as if Ben’s being over dramatic again.

“Sure as hell sounded that way to me.” Han rumbles out. “Look kid, either you were dopped or you weren’t, we’ll find out soon enough.” Han shrugs, “If you went in too hot, and Snoke’s clean, you’re off the Olympic team but you keep your medals.” Leia lets out a pained “Han,” but her husband continues, “If he’s dirty then you might lose your medals. It’s all just scrap metal at the end of the day.”

The twins both exclaim “Han!”

“What? No one’s died, you lot are old money and if your Mom’s investment team has had anything to do with your earnings,” Ben nods, “Then you’re richer than Creosus, just pick something else to do with your life.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say?” Ben’s incredulous.

“Yeah. Look you think swimming makes you happy, but I don’t see you skipping in here every weekend, so do something else.” Han is making ‘what’ faces at his wife and brother-in-law’s looks of shock.

“So you don’t care that there’ll be a scandal? That I won’t be a ‘name’?”

“Ben, you’ve always been a name, you’re Ben Solo, my son. If a scandal gets you out of the clutches of Snoke, I’m all for it.”

Ben can’t help the small smile creeping across his face. Han and Ben’s relationship growing up was difficult. Han never understood his drive to win everything, or the pressure Ben put himself under. Maybe it wasn’t because Han didn’t care about him as Ben believed, but that his Dad really didn’t care about the competition. He can now see that to Han, Ben being Ben Solo is enough.

“Thanks Dad. Is it ok if I crash here tonight?”

“Absolutely.” Leia confirms. Ben stands and stretches, last night and today catching up on him, he knows everything will still be waiting on him tomorrow.

“I guess we’ll need to start at five tomorrow.” Luke states to Ben’s retreating back.

“What?”

“Until we know what’s happening you can’t afford to let your performance slip whilst we wait. You need a new coach Ben, and I’m happy to do it, if you like.” Luke clears his throat awkwardly as he waits on Ben’s response. Ben knows it’s the biggest vote of confidence he can give him.

“That’d be great Luke.” Both men nod at each other as Han rolls his eyes and Leia looks thrilled. “Oh, if the cops turn up, don’t say anything just wake me up, thanks” Ben adds as an after-thought.

“Benjamin Solo! Explain.”

“Sorry Mom, I sort of throttled Snoke a bit and I’m expecting him to lodge an assault complaint.” Leia’s eyes go round but Han is slapping his thigh and laughing hard.

“You’re more like me than you think, kid.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone, sorry it has been so long but everything going on in the world right now has kind of fried my brain. You've overstayed your welcome covid, kindly fuck off now. Hope everyone is staying safe x

It is not wisdom to be only wise –

And on the inner vision close the eyes –

But it is wisdom to believe the heart.

Santayana

“Of course.” Maz looks round for her work bag. “Give me a minute and I’ll get you her contact details.” She pulls out her work device and puts in her password whilst making vague listening noises down the phone. “Ahsoka is one of the best in terms of anger management.”

Rey is curled up on the sofa and trying to ignore her Mom. Flicking through her copy of Markell’s ‘Explorations in Matter and Psyche’, looking for tasks for the group of autistic children she’s providing therapy to for her dissertation. Moving back home has really shown Rey that extended periods of undisturbed studying was a luxury she took for granted. 

Rey hadn’t realised how often she and Poe kept different schedules because it suited her to have large swathes of her evening to herself for focussing on her course work. Here at home there’s always someone passing through, asking about her day, asking if she wants a coffee, disrupting her. It’s nice but not necessarily conducive to gaining a merit in her doctorate.

“No, it’s no bother Leia, I understand. If I was in your position, I’d want the best too.”

Rey’s not sure if the prickle of awareness making her tune into Maz’s conversation is due to realising Maz is talking with Leia or it’s because she can feel her Mom looking at her. She raises her eyes from her textbook. Maz is nodding and make ‘mmhmm’ noises as Leia continues but she’s staring at Rey now.

“I’ll give you a call in a couple of days and you can let me know how Ben’s getting on.” Rey’s body goes on high alert at the mention of his name. Muscles tensing, breath catching in the back of her throat and Maz cataloguing every reaction. Maz disconnects the call and sits next to Rey.

“When was the last time you spoke with Ben?”

Rey wrinkles her brow, it’s the 21st, so nine days. In little over a week and she gained an ex-fiancé, an ex-friend and had to run back home to Mom and Dad. Not to mention all the emotional fall out is being picked over with Dr Yoda’s in his sessions. She’s got one more session on Monday and then he wants to keep running them through next term.

“About a week, why?”

Maz nods but doesn’t provide anything further.

Rey flips her book closed, sighing. “What’s this about Mom?”

Maz shrugs. “I think that child could use a friend right now.”

Rey shifts on the couch. “Ben can look after himself, he’s not ten.”

“True but just because you can look after yourself on your own, doesn’t mean you should have to.”

“Ben doesn’t want to hear from me.” Rey picks up the book and thumbs through the pages with more force than necessary. Ben believes her capable of revenge; a thought that still sends fury flashing through her veins. 

Ben hasn’t reached out to her so why should she reach out to him? He isn’t the one who lost a future spouse; he’s nothing but the catalyst for the ruin that is her life. 

Maybe. Maybe her life was built on cracked foundations and it only took Ben stepping on them to show how shoddy and unstable they were.

Maz sits beside her ramrod straight daughter for another few moments before silently replacing the phone in its base and leaving Rey to her studying. 

Rey slams the book closed when she admits to herself that she’s read a whole chapter without taking in more than a handful of words. Picking up another text from the pile on the floor at her feet she tries again but the words are dancing on the page.

Why would Leia need an anger management therapist? Despite how frustrated and saddened she is about Ben; she can’t settle until she knows what’s going on with him.

Is it always going to be this way? No matter if they are together or apart it feels like her equilibrium will always be in some way tied to Ben’s. She drops the textbook and hauls herself off the couch.

“OK, Mom, I’ll bite. What’s going on with Ben?” she tries to hide her eagerness to know under a weary tone as she enters the kitchen. Maz is seated at the dining table, engrossed in an article.

Maz looks up from her tablet and then spins the screen to face her. Rey frowns down at it, there’s a picture of the American Swim Team and two separate headshots; Ben and Snoke at the top of the report. Maz’s voice cuts into her thoughts.

“Ben has gone to the American Anti-Doping Agency with allegations over Snoke’s training practices.”

“What?” Rey reaches for the tablet and scans the text. A few key phrases jump out ‘all swimmers coached by Snoke will have their previous blood work re-examined’ and ‘Ben Solo, previously on track for a place on the American swim squad, currently suspended pending investigation.’

Tendrils of cold fear weave their way through her ribs, tightening her chest, stopping her breath. Why would he do this? Why now?

“What is this?” she looks at Maz who is watching her.

“Ben reached his limit I guess.” She spins the tablet back to her, nods and then shuts the device down.

“Hey, I was reading that.”

“It won’t tell you as much as calling Ben will.”

Rey sits down in the seat across from Maz and drags a hand through her hair.

“I can’t Mom. You know I can’t.”

Maz raises one eyebrow and gives her an incredulous look. “Can’t? Or won’t? I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to Rey but consider what Ben needs right now.”

Rey clasps her hands and looks at her interlacing fingers. She wants to. She wants to call him. She wants to be there for him but… is she the right person? Is she even in the place to help build anyone up when she’s only just managing to get herself out of bed every day? More than anything she want to be his person but is she even her own person just now?

“I’ll message him mom, I don’t think I can do more than that right now.”

***

The pressure of the water drums on his scalp, beating out a tattoo that accompanies the thought that’s been a magnesium flash across his synapses. 

Who are you, Ben?

Without swimming, without the medals, without Rey, who are you? Ben tilts his head back so that the shower is pounding on his forehead and it’s soothing, as he ruminates on that one question, who, without all that he’s built up and worked towards, is he now?

Too soon he needs to leave the shower and dress. He pulls on jeans and a t-shirt and roughly dries his hair, not bothering too much what it looks like. If he gets papped going to see Ahsoka, a psychotherapist that specialises in anger management, it won’t take too much pulling at the loose threads of the veil that his mom’s publicist Monmath, had managed to draw over the police charge of bodily assault on Snoke. It’s laughable really, a $1500 fine and compulsory treatment order because it’s a first offence. 

It’s not the punishment he fears. It’s the dark spot buried within him, that for a brief moment flared to life. 

He wanted to kill Snoke. 

He wanted to exact a painful revenge on his coach for all the times he’d helped Ben to fuck up his life. Exactly how deep does that darkness go? He’d only felt like that once before, when he had realised someone had been hurting Rey. True his first response then had been fear, but it had too easily morphed into anger. An anger that had faded when his Mom stepped in and put into action all the necessary steps to keep Rey safe. Had that not happened, would he have continued to burn? Did he have a shallow pool of blood lust and revenge in him or did it go deeper? That frightened him more than anything. That if he could be capable of such an act on Snoke, and rejoice in it, just who was he anymore?

***

It’s just a message. She’s sent Ben hundreds, thousands of them over the years. 

There’s nothing and yet everything to say. 

The screen remains resolutely blank. She slips the phone back in her bag.

***

Ahsoka, looks like she should have retired a long time ago but there’s something comforting in that. She looks the part, white dreadlocks, wise eyes and a calm countenance. Even if she knows fuck all about anger management, Ben thinks he would believe anything she says due to the aura of calm authority to her.

“Mr Solo, you are here because you have been ordered to be.”

Ben nods.

“Now, someone paid a lot of money to get you a rush appointment.” She throws him a cheeky smile. “Please remember I get paid if you sit out these sessions with me in silence or you can work with me and we can examine what happened and your financier will get their monies worth.”

Ben nods again “I want to work with you. I know why it happened, and I guess, it doesn’t surprise me that it did happen, only now I’m terrified that this is really the type of man I am. I’ve always had a temper but never have I…never.” His words fade out, it’s awkward saying things to this stranger no matter how good her professional manner is.

Ahsoka lifts a sheet of paper from her desk and glances at it. “This was your first offence, Mr Solo, may I call you Ben?” at his nod she continues. “Ben you have fallen once but you seem convinced you will fall again.”

“I’m terrified that this is really what I’m like, that it will be my default reaction from here on out.”

Ahsoka hums slightly to herself. “Ben, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. But not all truths are true and together we will work through the ones you wish to hold onto and those that you must release. Now let us begin.”

***

Monday the 23rd of December

Rey’s course broke for the holidays last Friday but Yoda had asked if she could come in for one more session before the New Year. Rey appreciates the time her professor is spending with her, she does, but the urge to call him and cancel this morning’s session had been strong. 

She’s tired. 

The weekend passed in a haze of worry about Ben. The words that she needs to reach him are always somehow inaccessible to her and she hasn’t managed to message him yet. What he’s done and what it means to him and for his career, plays out in a continual loop in her brain.

Maz suspects she’s struggling but won’t push her. Chewie just has to give her a look that’s too kind and she’s dissolving into silent tears and being pulled in tight for a hug. 

The thought of looking over the few new sketches she’s completed and mining them for emotional articulacy this morning seems like too much of an ask right now. 

Rey wants to go home, change into fluffy pyjamas, drink Baileys and watch bad Hallmark Christmas movies and cry when everything works out for the heroine.

“Miss Kanata, so pleasing to see you.” And Yoda does look happy as if Rey’s emotional pain is a rare treat for him.

“Professor Yoda.”

“No art today, I think. Together we travel the journey, yes? Maybe a new destination?” he says pointing to the plastic wallet in her hand containing a quantity of both old and new sketches.

Rey settles at the drawing table and spreads out her artwork. 

Kylo, or rather Ben is in every single one. 

Even these new ones that feature pilots leaving, ill people dying in hospital beds, being lost in woods. No matter what age she draws the girl, Rey knows it is always Kira. 

In the sketch of a small girl crumpled on the floor at the side of the bed of an ailing parent, he is there stroking that girl’s hair. The one of a pilot, leaving for adventures new, not even looking back at the woman he is leaving behind? Kylo is there, with Kira resting her back against his chest. There’s a sketch of the teenage Kira’s lost in a forest, Kylo is but a few steps behind, a silent presence always there, always with her. 

When these drawings started to appear, Rey almost wanted to berate herself over the lack of control she has over what her brain wants to produce. Part of her wants to tear them apart, scrub them out of existence but this is her truth, whether she likes it or not. So here they are, spread out on a white topped table for her professor’s perusal. 

Looking at them spread out she wants to scoff. Ben is not always there for her. 

Ben left her. 

Ben believes she wants only to hurt him.

“Consistency, Miss Kanata, hmmm.” Yoda nods to himself.

Yeah right, consistency, Rey wants to scoff, it’s her consistency Yoda is seeing, not Ben’s. Her desire to have him there, to have him with her through all the challenges that life throws at them. 

It is in the space and the stillness, looking at these renderings of all her hurts that a little voice within whispers in her brain.

The only one stopping you from having Ben is you. Maybe you should be together for all that life throws at you.

A sense of urgency rips down her spine leaving her startled. God, please don’t let it be too late. 

“I – I’m sorry Professor, I need to make a call, please five minutes.” And she’s out of her seat and moving into the corridor not even noting her professor’s half smile as she flees the room.

***

It’s only lunch time and Luke’s expecting him in the gym and the pool this afternoon. He was only given this morning off so that he could attend his first session with Ahsoka. Even though he only sat there and talked, he feels like he’s completed an intense swim training session already. He powers on his phone as he unlocks his car door. There are notifications from Rey.

23.12.19 10.23am

_Ben, I saw the news. I am so proud of you._

23.12.19 10.26am

_I want to call you but I don’t know if you want to hear from me._

23.12.19 10.27am

_It’s ok if you don’t. I just wanted to let you know._

23.12.19 10.29am

_Even if it’s just a text, can you message me to let me know how you’re doing?_

Ben cradles the phone in his hand, for longer than he should, re-reading the short lines. Wanting so much to speak to her but there’s something holding him back. He doesn’t want to go back to the beginning. Maybe his Dad is right. Maybe he does need a fresh start. A new beginning. They all have to start somewhere and maybe it’s time for him and Rey to see who they are without his incessant burning need for her. For her to meet him halfway for once rather than him badgering her into believing he’s best for her because he decided it. 

He scans the messages one more time before tossing the phone into the passenger seat and starting up the engine and heading towards Luke and the pool.

***

It takes more than seven long hours for her to get a reply. When it does come, it’s brief.

23.12.19 6.08pm

_Thanks, that means a lot._

_***_

The message he’s sent Rey is lacking in every way but right now, he doesn’t know how to act, how to be with her anymore. 

It feels like it’s a given that he’ll always love her. She took up residence in his heart and mind so many years ago that even when she wasn’t with him, there was always a room prepared and waiting for her to return. A vacancy in his soul only for her to move into. Yes, it’s still there, yes, he feels like he’s always waiting for her to choose him. But right now? The pressure of the Snoke situation is too great. He doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to cope with anything else.

After he had made his allegations, the American Anti-Doping Agency launched their investigation almost immediately. Ben had submitted himself for blood draws for analysis the next morning. Christmas was looking like it was going to be a muted affair if no one got back to him to confirm or dispel his believe that he’s going to be stripped of all his accolades and screwed his chances of making it onto the Olympic team. Given his age, it’s likely that 2020 is his last chance of becoming the most medalled Olympian. That dream is slipping away like water seeping into dry sand. His gloom over the whole thing left no one in the mood to celebrate. 

Ben handled pressure all the time but that was the pressure of expectation. It was different, normally he has a set target to aim for and all he has to do is try his best to win. It’s under his control to some extent. Everything in his life, the training, following his nutritionist’s advice, living clean, it all served as a way to get him one step closer to his goal.

But this?

With this, he’s adrift. 

He’s at the mercy of lab analysis and time lapses between blood work and people’s interpretation of the results. There’s nothing he can do to influence any of the results. All he can do is wait until he finally gets a call to meet with the case manager from AADA on the 3rd of January, he’s to meet with a Mr Mitaka on the first Monday of the year, the 6th. Happy fucking New Year to him.

***

Sitting across from Mr Mitaka’s desk waiting to discuss the review of his blood works has Ben bouncing his knee. Leia, who chose to accompany him gently places a hand on him to calm him. This indistinct looking man in front of him, has the power to wipe out all of Ben’s dreams in the next half an hour.

“Mr Solo, we have the results of your blood work carried out on the amount of erythropoietin or EPO occurring in your samples. Now, As I’m sure you are aware EPO is notoriously difficult to trace, given that it is naturally produced by the human body.” Dolpheld looks at Ben and his Mom’s anxious faces over the sheaf of papers in his hands before continuing. “Now we are in the position of reviewing samples from when you were under coach Skywalker and comparing them with samples submitted at each major competition you have competed in under coach Snoke.” Again, he stops and fixes Ben with a look that leaves Ben squirming in his seat. _Tell me already for fuck sake_. Clearly this fucker wants to drag out the suspense.

“And what did you find Mr Mitaka?” Leia sounds remarkable calm considering what is potentially in those sheets. Mitaka addresses his Mother.

“We found that Mr Solo’s blood work under Mr Snoke is borderline.”

“I don’t understand, is that good?” at the quirking of Dopheld’s eyebrows, Leia peter’s out, “Or is it bad?”

“It’s bad Mom.” Ben growls, he wishes this grey man would grow a pair and tell him what they are planning to do.

“Not necessarily Mr Solo,” he lays a couple of pieces of paper in front of them, “Your results under Skywalker show that you have a natural aptitude towards endurance and athletic ability, your EPO numbers would appear to have always been on the high side of normal.”

Leia puts on a pair of glasses and pulls the document towards her for a quick perusal, she looks at Dopheld over the top of her glasses.

“Given who Ben’s Uncle and Grandfather are, I would have thought it would be a given that he has high natural ability to produce EPO.”

“We tend to agree with you Mrs Solo.” Leia reaches over and grips Ben’s hand, waiting on the man’s next words. “Mr Solo’s number are high, but they have been consistently high his whole life. There is also the fact that he left Skywalkers tutelage as a teenager and came to full physical maturity under Snoke so there is the element of doubt that the slight increase in his numbers are due to maturation.” His mom’s grip is becoming punishing but Ben refuses to wince. “Under these circumstances we will carry out both routine and spot check bloods between now and the Olympics and if they remain at a consistent level, we’ll allow you to compete.”

The adrenaline rush is heady, and Ben catches himself before he leans over the desk and hugs the man. Leia has no such compunction, she’s out of her seat and wrestling Mitaka into an awkward embrace before turning to squeeze Ben tight. 

“Thank you.” Ben is sure he sounds as stunned as he feels. Dopheld is ushering them out of his office with a few stern words about ‘any sign of changes in his numbers will result in immediate lifetime ban.’ But the words barely register with him. Leia is chattering away

“…you’ll call your Dad – he’ll want to hear it from you first – oh, you need to call Luke. Should I contact Monmath to see about a press release…”

Ben smiles at his Mom indulgently but he already knows who he is going to call.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been forever since I updated this. This is mainly due to the fact I wrote a beast of another story called To Kiss Like Lovers Do for the reylo fanfiction anthology Valentine's exchange.  
> There is no Covid in my world, the 2020 Olympics went ahead as normal. Hope you enjoy x

The phone slides back into in his jeans pocket and Ben closes his eyes and lets out a breath.

It was enough. Rey, will meet him for coffee tomorrow.

His Mom’s heels click on the flooring, reminding him of the other call he has to make. A few rings and the call connects. Han doesn’t even bother to say hello.

“Well?”

“It’s good news, Dad, the Agency, they’re letting me compete.”

“Huh. That’s great, Ben. I’m happy for you but, is it still what you want?”

“I’m going to these Olympics to stick two fingers up to Snoke.”

“If that’s what you want, we’ll all help.”

Ben snorts.

“I don’t remember you being a swim coach.”

“I can stand at the side-lines and shout at you like the best of them. Now put your Mom on. Is she crying?”

“Just a minute.”

He holds his phone out to his Mom, whose eyes are still damp. Leia is going into more detail with Han, and he can hear his Dad just saying ‘Huh’ and ‘yeah’ to everything she’s telling him.

Ben let’s their conversation wash over him.

He has a chance now. To prove he is as good as he thinks he is, with no taint of possible doping. If he wins or loses now, it’ll be because of his training, his muscles pulling him through the water, it’s a sense of peace he hasn’t felt in years.

Leia hangs up and gathers him into a tight hug.

“I won’t lie, I was worried for you Ben.”

“So quick to think the worst.”

“Not of you. Never of you.” She pulls back, releasing him and hands him his phone. “Of Snoke, absolutely, but not you.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“What happens now?”

Ben shrugs and pockets the phone.

“I get in the pool and train harder than ever.”

Leia nods. They walk out of the foyer, heading to the car lot. Leia aims for casual when she asks.

“What about Rey?”

Ben smiles at his Mom, always trying to get the best intel.

“How do you know I’ve spoken to Rey?”

“Please, Ben, I’m many things, but an idiot is not one of them.”

“She’s meeting me for coffee, tomorrow.”

“She’s single now, isn’t she?”

Leia has never mastered subtlety.

“I’m not sure if now is the right time for us.”

His career cost him Rey the last time. They haven’t spoken these last few weeks. He’d been too frightened to contact her, frightened she wouldn’t want anything to do with him after the hurt he caused her. He’d reasoned it was better to not know if he still had a place in her life than hear a definitive no.

Until this morning. When Mitaka finished speaking, there was no one else he wanted to share his news with. No one.

Ben doesn’t have a plan.

With swimming there are rules you can follow and bit by bit you’ll make incremental gains but with Rey? There’s no coach, no training manual. Just a frustrating, beautiful spirit that he knows he can’t live without.

Leis pats his arm.

“You’ll work it out.”

**

January 6th 2020

Rey 9.43pm Hey, I just had to tell you again how happy I am for you.

Ben 9.46pm Thanks, I’m pretty happy for me too.

**

January the 7th 2020

Rey is seated when he arrives at the coffee shop not far from the Kanatas house. He can see her through the glass window, alternating between fiddling with a gold bracelet and clutching her cup of coffee.

He glances her way when he enters the café. The most beautiful pink highlights her cheeks when she sees him. Is it wrong that everything in his world just seemed to tilt when she looks at him? She has the power to knock him on his ass just by looking his way.

He orders a coffee and a Danish before taking them over to the table.

“I thought you might share with me again.”

He picks up his knife and cuts the pastry in half and slides the plate towards her, keeping his half on the serviette.

“Thanks. Hi.” She starts and then breaks into a wide smile as if she knows how formal she is being. “I know I’ve congratulated you already, but I’m so pleased for you Ben.”

“Thanks.”

It is better experiencing his good news through her. His feelings about the situation are too entangled with contradictory emotions regarding Snoke. Trying to prove himself, trying to let go of the anger, his fury of even being in this position in the first place. For Rey, it is simple pleasure on his behalf.

Rey fidgets, and then she picks up her bit of pastry. There’s no diamond on her finger and he sits that bit straighter.

“I appreciate you meeting up.”

She nods.

“It’s fine. I don’t like not speaking to you. So, this is,” she casts about as if looking for a way to describe what they are doing, “nice.”

Embarrassed, she takes a bite of the Danish and looks away.

He lays his hands on top of the table, attempting to look casual. It doesn’t work. Giving up, he folds his hands back into his lap. Blowing out air through his nose he decides to just get on with it.

“I’m sorry Rey, the last time, I said somethings –”

“It doesn’t matter.” She cuts him off.

He quirks an eyebrow at her and she gives a brief smile.

“I got over it. I don’t agree with your interpretation of how things played out, but I can sort of understand how you came to that conclusion.”

“No, it does matter.” He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “I… I was hurt and like a complete jack ass, I lashed out.”

She shakes her head, reaches for her coffee, but instead of drinking from it, she takes a steadying breath and puts the cup back down.

“Ben, I _was_ in the wrong. I should never have taken advantage of the situation. I put us on an unequal footing. I understand that now.”

Ben tears a piece off of his pastry, more to give his hands something to do than because he wants to eat it.

“Why didn’t you say something when you first found the messages?”

He has been reflecting on this for weeks and he doesn’t quite get why she would let him be strung along like that. It is so out of character for her.

Rey taps the outside of her cup with her fingernails, thinking.

“Here’s the thing. If I accepted what you wrote as true and contacted you straight away, what do you think that said about my relationship with Poe?”

Ben wants to jump in but knows she needs the space to explain herself.

“If I’d rushed back to you and told you I’d read those notes and wanted an explanation, I don’t know, it would’ve looked like you were more important to me than Poe, and at that point you weren’t.” She glances at his face. “Sorry, but you weren’t. I hadn’t spoken to you properly in five years. All I had were these messages that didn’t tally up with how I thought you felt about me.”

He shifts in his seat.

“Ben, I couldn’t contact you. It was all so overwhelming. But then we met at your parents, at brunch. Maybe if I hadn’t read any of your messages, we’d have said ‘hi’ and left it at that. But I _had_ read them, and it made me curious. I wanted to speak with you again, get a sense of what was going on.” She lifts her coffee and takes a sip. He says nothing, keen for her to continue. “Look, what I did, it was wrong, I was, I am selfish.”

Ben shakes his head.

“It was selfish, Ben. I wanted you back in my life. I missed you. So I convinced myself we could be friends, that you didn’t really mean what you had written, that I didn’t feel anything other than friendship for you. I’m a liar.”

Ben reaches across the table to take her hands, but she draws them back towards her. He frowns at her retreat from him and she shakes her head. He draws his own hands back; they feel too big and awkward now at her rejection of him, and he can feel himself collapsing in on himself. When she agreed to this meet up, he had hoped. Listening to her now, doesn’t leave him feeling hopeful. He’s not sure he wants to hear any more.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to explain.”

“I do, Ben. It’s not fair on you if I don’t. I’m sure Leia has told you that Poe and I are over.”

Ben nods and Rey looks at the table as if steeling herself for what she is about to say.

“I left Poe, not because of you – you were a factor – but not the only one. Poe and I weren’t right, and I guess my reaction,” she glances up at him through her lashes, “to you, showed me it would never be right.”

There’s an uptick in his heart rate.

“You don’t need to read years of private messages to work out that I care for you, Ben.”

This time he when he reaches out to take her hand. She lets him. Rey looks at their joined hands.

“You do have all my messages and I’m sure you realise I care for you. A lot.”

He gives her a smile, but she only bites her lip.

When she says, “I do, I do care about you a lot.” She sounds like she is surrendering herself to the fact, something she couldn’t change even if she wanted too.

They lapse into a silence that stretches, and all Ben can focus on is how her hand feels in his. She clears her throat.

“I’m in therapy.”

“What?”

He looks at her face, there’s a blush rising on her cheeks. He rushes to reassure her.

“Me too.”

“I know, I heard Maz giving your Mom details of a therapist,” she scrunches her forehead, “I don’t know why, and I don’t know who you are seeing, so don’t think Maz has contravened any patient confidentiality. I’m living with my parents and I overheard her and Leia on the phone.”

“Anger management. I went because of Snoke when all this kicked off.” Rey does not need to know that she was the trigger for that particular episode. “Can I ask why you are in therapy?”

She takes in a deep breath through her nose, glances out of the window collecting herself.

“I do clinical supervision as part of my course. I had a session right after everything went to shit and my supervisor took one look at me and saw I was barely holding it together.”

She gives a shrug and looks at him and he can see how she is a fraction thinner in the face. There are shadows under her eyes.

“It’s good. Dr Yoda knows his stuff. He’s helping me illustrate how I’m feeling, my truth that I’ve been too scared to confront. Soon, I’ll have worked my way out of this, and I might end up with an illustrated roadmap of the journey for my efforts.”

“Would you let me see the drawings?”

Ben waits as she holds his gaze, looking for something, and then she breaks off and shakes her head.

“No, I think, I think they are too personal.”

He nods, he gets it. Laying yourself bare for another isn’t easy.

“I know what you mean, my therapist leaves me feeling as if I’ve nowhere to hide.”

“Look at us, both in therapy.” She squeezes his hand and lets go. “Ben, would it be wrong if I messaged you now and then?”

“No. I miss you Rey.”

“Me too. But a friend is all I can be to you at the moment.” Her mouth hitches into a half smile. “Sorry.”

He expected her words to crush him, but they make sense. Despite what he wants, even he can recognise Rey is in no place to start anything new.

“I get it. I’m going to be training like a mad man these next few months, anyway but Rey, it’s always great to hear from you.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

She picks up her cup and swallows the last mouthful of coffee.

“I need to head to the library. My dissertation won’t write itself.”

She picks up her bag and jacket and Ben is about to get to his feet, ready to walk out with her when she places a hand on his shoulder.

“You still have coffee.” She sways towards him a little but straightens and pats his shoulder. “Train hard Solo and I’ll be in touch.”

Ben watches through the glass as she walks away towards her car. He lifts the cup to his lips and thinks on maybe for now this is the best that the both of them can expect.

**

Tuesday 25th February 2020

“Ah, Kylo, I see his face at last.”

Yoda is leafing through her latest sketches. Nodding and sucking on his bottom lip. When he comes across her first sketch of Kylo without his mask, he greets it as if meeting a long-lost friend.

“But this, this damage. Explain to me please Miss Kanata.”

Yoda slips the sketch from the rest and passes it across the table towards her. He points with his pencil, indicating the scar on Kylo’s face.

“He’s broken too. They both are, only he carries the scars Kira gives him on his skin.”

It’s easier now to talk about them.

Therapy with Dr Yoda feels less like shredding her soul and more like she is rummaging around in a lost and found department, each gem she uncovers is welcome knowledge.

When she first sketched Kylo without his helmet, it felt right to recognise that she was not the only one hurt by their relationship, Ben carried his share of pain too. Like the mask hid Kylo’s scar, her ignorance over why they first split up meant his pain went unacknowledged. But not now, now she can put it on display knowing that they both grieved over the destruction of the relationship.

“How, it makes you feel, Miss Kanata?”

“It brings a sense of balance to it all. Kira isn’t the only one stuck carrying the load of all this devastation.” She gestures to all the sketches tacked to the surrounding walls.

Yoda nods and goes back to the sketches in his hands. Rey wipes her sweating palms on her jeans. She is not sure if Yoda will pick it out, but she knows when he spots it. His white eyebrows raise, and a small, amused smile plays on his mouth. She should have taken it out. Left it in the folder. Although she knows if she had done that, she would have been lying to herself.

“This I like.”

He flips the paper to the front of the pile and studies it before moving to put it on the table in front of her.

Rey already knows what she will see. Two sketches on the one sheet. Kira kneeling beside Kylo and tending to a wound in his abdomen and a pencilled outline of Kira collapsed on the floor, being lifted into Kylo’s arms.

“Here, see, the balance? Both giving, neither taking. Miss Kanata, thoughts please.”

“I think… I think they are both equals in their pain, but they are somehow showing each other mercy, maybe kindness.”

Yoda is beaming at her, and it makes her want to burst into tears. He looks so proud of her she has to glance away, letting her gaze rest on her line drawing of Ben, no Kylo, lifting her up, caring for her.

**

Thursday 19th March 2020

Rey 6.28: _How’s training going?_

Ben 7.14: _I’ve remembered why I hate Luke_

Rey 7.16: _Why? I thought he was trying to help._

Ben 7.17: _He’s trying to kill me._

**

15th May 2020

“Well, I am happy to sign off your court ordered eight sessions Ben.”

Ahsoka takes a form from the file on her desk.

“I hope, Ben, at this point in your life, you have gained a clearer perspective of what you want and how to make the necessary changes in your life.”

She stands behind the desk and puts her hand out towards him, which he gives a quick shake.

“The sessions have helped.”

He tucks his hands into his jacket pockets and looks around at the framed certificates on her walls and doubts if he is brave enough to ask, but then decides what has he got to lose?

“In a few months, Ahsoka, I might need some more help.”

Her smile is gentle, and she tilts her head.

“You can return anytime you like Ben, but trust yourself, you know the correct path for you. If that path is more time with me or one of my colleagues, I’ll get that set up, but you might surprise yourself and be more than fine under your own guidance. I trust you; you should trust yourself too.”

He nods his agreement and says his goodbyes to Ahsoka and then her assistant as he makes his way back to his car.

In that office with Ahsoka, it is the only place he has allowed himself to think past the thirtieth of July 2020. His last race at an Olympics. His every waking moment is consumed by the days running up to the thirtieth. Will he place? Will he set Olympic records? Will he win gold? Will he win enough gold to quiet the noise in his head that is always pushing him on?

Only with Ahsoka has he thought about what happens on the 31st of July when his career ends. It’ll be his choice but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

He unlocks his car and sits behind the wheel. Ben hasn’t allowed himself to wonder about a future with Rey or a future for himself unless it has been under the guidance of his therapist. He keeps Rey locked inside him, experiences a brief flare of happiness when he gets a message from her but other than that, he employs strict dedication to his goal. It is what Snoke wanted him to do all those years ago. This time round he is dedicating himself to the work but instead of doing it in isolation, he’s doing it with Rey’s approval.

**

Friday 29th May 2020

Ben 10.42: _Snoke’s doing a press conference ahead of his investigation._

Rey 10.46: _When?_

Ben 10.46: _Tomorrow. 11am._

Rey 10.47: _On a Saturday? Do you need me to come over? I’d be happy to sit with you?_

Ben 10.48: _Thanks, but I’ll be in the pool. I’ll give them a statement or something._

Ben 10.48: _I’m not wasting my training time thinking about him._

Rey 10.49: _Ok. You know where I am if you need me._

Ben 10.49: _Thanks_

**

Saturday 30th May 2020

Rose hands Rey a coke and settles down next to her on the couch. The presenter on ESPN is detailing the background to the allegations when the screen cuts to a press conference set up. White background splattered with ESPN logos and a table with mics set in front of it. Snoke’s skeletal frame, dressed in a black suit with a sheen to the fabric that makes it look cheap and shiny under the television lights, walks into the room and takes his place at the seat.

“Is that Ben’s coach?” Rose raises an eyebrow. “He looks like he’s about three steps from death’s door.”

“Yeah, always looked like an evil old fucker.”

Rose responds to the venom in Rey’s voice by taking her hand.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. He’s the one under investigation, not Ben. Well, not really, he’s only sort of under investigation.”

Snoke takes a pre-prepared speech from his inside pockets. Rey only half listens to his opening comments. Yeah, yeah, she thinks. But when he details why the investigation is a sham, she can feel her heart pounding as she listens to every word he says.

“Ben Solo lodged the allegation as a direct revenge attack because he knew he would failed to secure a place on the Olympic team if I was on the selection panel.”

“What?”

“Shush.” Rey leans forward closer to the TV.

“His form was poor this last season, and he was more than aware that the USA swim team would not have a spot for him. His time has come and gone, and he refuses to accept that he cannot keep competing. Once this investigation is concluded, it will be clear to the press and the public that no wrongdoing has occurred in our camp and that Ben Solo should keep personal vendettas out of the public eye. Thank you.”

He is folding the speech into quarters and tucking back into his inside pocket as Rey turns to Rose.

“Did he just try to fuck Ben over, to the press?”

Rose nods. “That’s what I was hearing.”

The screen flips back to the presenter in the studio and Rey huffs and crosses her arms but listens as the presenter delivers his segment to camera.

“Alistair Snoke, the suspended USA swim coach, reacting to the charges of potential doping brought against him by Ben Solo. When asked to comment, Solo, who, if his Olympic campaign in 2020 goes to plan, will becomes the most medalled male Olympian on record, gave the following statement.”

‘I noted my concerns to the US Anti-Doping Agency, not because of a personal grudge against Mr Snoke but because I believe all athletes should compete from the same baseline and embody not only the spirit of the Olympics, but also uphold its agreed code of ethics. Mr Snoke may have opinions on my performances, which he is entitled to. In the end the only important factors are my times in the pool. Let them stand as testament to my preparedness for the Olympics.’

“Solo, who has since been selected for the USA Olympic swim team, also stated that he will give no further statements regarding the up-coming investigation of his former coach and head of the USA swim team.”

Frowning, Rose asks. “What are the chances Ben is wrong about his coach?”

“I don’t think Ben would have reported him unless he was pretty certain something was going on.”

“For his sake, he better be right.”

**

Rey 1.19: _How you doing? Saw Snoke’s press release._

Ben 1.25: _Ok. Mom’s pissed though. I expected it._

Rey 1.32: _That’s shit, Ben. He sounds like the worst._

Ben 1.32: _He is_

**

Tuesday 9th June 2020

“Changing, she is.”

Yoda, with his hands on his hips, surveys Rey’s latest batch of drawings as a collective set out on the desk in front of him. He turns to Rey.

“Why?”

“Kira sees a need to help, to protect.” She reaches out and touches her fingertips to the sheet closest to her. “I see now that they need each other and sometimes, when one of them can’t be strong, the other takes on that role.” Rey glances at her professor. “You once asked if Kylo was an adversary or a champion. I think now they are each other’s champion, they just didn’t know it.”

Yoda smiles.

“We are making the eye see clearer, are we not, Miss Kanata?”

Rey picks up a completed drawing of Kira and Kylo standing back-to-back. It’s one of only a handful that she has inked in with colour. The red of their enemies stark against Kylo’s black and Kira’s brown clothing. They are together, yet independent, each fighting their own battle but working together, protecting the back of the other. It never fails to move her when she looks at this sketch. Despite the violence, there’s something hopeful in it too. Rey has to swallow the emotion thickening her throat before she can answer her professor.

“Yes, yes we are.”


End file.
